DEAR ABBY: My sister-in-law is a wonderful woman who has a severe weight problem. She's 50 years old and has no bad habits except for eating. She refuses to discuss diets and gets very upset when the subject is broached. She's beginning to experience signs of deteriorating health -- shortness of breath, chest tightness, extreme redness in her face when she's warm or upset, and she has painful back and knee problems. She has fallen down stairs because she was unable to see the steps.

Abby, she refuses to see a doctor, my brother tells me, because she knows a doctor will confront her about her weight. I suggested she should at least have her blood pressure taken at the local pharmacy. She ignores me.

I believe she needs psychological care. I can't bear to lose her, and I fear that she will die soon if she doesn't try to help herself. -- SCARED FOR MY SISTER-IN-LAW, IN MILWAUKEE

DEAR SCARED: Although some people use food the way junkies and alcoholics use drugs and alcohol, I know of no intervention program for people with life-threatening weight problems. Indeed, she may need psychological help in order to win her battle. However, unless she is willing to admit that she has a problem and takes steps to overcome it, there is nothing you or anyone else can do for her. She has my deepest sympathy.

DEAR ABBY: You asked for reader's input for the woman who had told her husband she had shared a bed with a male friend without "anything happening." Her husband, influenced by some buddies, didn't believe her.

I could write about the early American custom of "bundling," or point out that in many cultures families and guests share sleeping accommodations -- but that's really irrelevant to the main problem. Namely, the woman's husband believes his buddies and doubts his wife. I'd say THAT is a very serious problem.

This husband is judging something that happened not only before their marriage, but before they were even introduced. I can't help but wonder why the husband even told that story to his buddies, but the real question here is whom should he believe -- his wife or his buddies?

That woman's position should be: "Believe me, or call me a liar. If you believe me, then we need to see a marriage counselor about why you didn't trust me. And if you think I'm a liar, then we need to see a divorce lawyer." -- A MALE READER FROM OXNARD, CALIF.

DEAR MALE READER: Thank you for taking the time to share a masculine point of view. It reminds me of a quotation I've known for many years: "A woman's virtue is like a fine painting. Once it's questioned, it's never quite the same."

DEAR ABBY: I think you should know how influential your column is.

I read the personals ads in magazines on a regular basis. Until recently, I'd spot an ad placed by a single woman who likes to fish only on rare occasions. Since the recent letter you printed suggesting that fishing might be a great way to meet an eligible man, almost every woman in the singles listings I've read has suddenly become a "fisherman." I hope I get the chance to meet some of these "anglers" while I'm out fishing this year! -- BILL GLATFELTER, MANCHESTER, N.H.

DEAR BILL: If you're eligible, I hope so, too. A successful advertisement of any kind needs a "hook" -- and something tells me the bait and tackle shops will be busy this spring. Although not everyone will catch a trophy, I'm hoping a good time will be had in the attempt.

Everybody has a problem. What's yours? Get it off your chest by writing to Dear Abby, P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, Calif. 90069. For a personal reply, please enclose a stamped, self-addressed envelope.

DEAR ABBY: I am writing to pass on a simple idea that could save a lot of grief and heartache.

Like all parents, I make an extra effort to keep a close watch on our children whenever we are shopping or among crowds. However, even the most diligent among us has had an occasion when a child wandered off or got lost. There are no words to describe the panic a parent feels when this occurs. It is particularly true with preschool children who may be unable to articulate their parents' names, addresses or phone number -- especially under stressful conditions.

To minimize this trauma, I have begun putting my business card in our children's pockets before we go out. Each of them is instructed that it contains my name and to give it to a police officer or another responsible adult. I also explain that it will help the person find me sooner. Because they understand this, having the card helps them feel safer.

This does not substitute for careful observation of our children at all times, but if they do become lost, it provides additional information to ensure their swift and safe return. -- CONCERNED DAD IN BENICIA, CALIF.

DEAR CONCERNED DAD: An excellent idea and one that many parents would be wise to consider. However, it might be a good idea to put your home number on the card as well. Thanks for writing.

DEAR ABBY: I cannot let the letter from the hockey coach's wife go without a stronger reply than you gave -- and one in direct contradiction to your answer. You suggested that she and Al agree on the number of hours he would devote to his work with youngsters.

Abby, dear, have you read the recent statistics on the problems with kids today? (Of course you have.) They have little adult leadership and fewer role models who really give a darn. They NEED men and women who will give of their time and their hearts, and spouses who support and encourage them.

My husband died seven years ago. He had been a Boy Scout leader. For more than 20 years, he was Scoutmaster to dozens of boys, most long after our four sons had served their time as Scouts. Later he worked with adult training, helping other leaders to better serve the youth of our area. In all those years, he spent thousands of hours away from home, often on weekends at some faraway campground. He always returned renewed and happy, as was I to know that he was contributing to the future of our nation.

Today, all four of our sons continue their father's love of children. Each works with the Boy Scouts in the area in which he resides. I am proud of all five -- my sons and their dad.

More than 200 men he had helped train as kids and adults attended his funeral. My brother's comment afterward was, "At my funeral, I just want to be remembered as Frank Egan's brother-in-law." What a tribute!

Hockey wife should encourage her husband, not begrudge the time he gives to tomorrow's men. You may use my name. -- MARY V. EGAN, DALLAS

DEAR MARY: Your husband sounds like a wonderfully generous man whose legacy lives long after him. It's also clear that the relationship the two of you had was devoted and committed.

The coach's wife said that she felt her husband was using his work with the youngsters as a way of avoiding dealing with what is wrong in their marriage. Yes, I agree that donating time to better the community is important. But it's also important that the coach work out the couple's marital problems and not sacrifice his wife and family, who are his primary responsibility.

Abby shares more of her favorite, easy-to-prepare recipes. To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, More Favorite Recipes, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I desperately need some advice. I have been married for 12 years to a woman who is very self-centered. Her main concern is her job. She couldn't care less if we live in a pigsty. She feels that her long hours at work excuse her from any home responsibilities.

I realize that people have certain obligations to their jobs, but I have talked to her co-workers who have similar workloads, and most of them get their work done during regular office hours and don't have to stay late.

Abby, I am ashamed to have guests come to our home. She does clean before her co-workers come over, but otherwise she doesn't bother. You can't even get into our bedroom because of wall-to-wall clothes piled all over. And our children are patterning their lifestyles after hers.

I do more than my share around the house. I am the main caregiver to our children, and I'm the one who stays home with them when they're sick.

To make a point, I recently stopped cleaning. Now no one cleans.

I have talked to my wife about this. She assures me she'll do better, but nothing changes. This has begun to affect my feelings for her. I'm very family-oriented, but if changes are not made soon, our marriage may not survive. Do you have a solution for us? -- TIRED OF LIVING IN FILTH, PHILADELPHIA

DEAR TIRED: Your wife may be living under the delusion that she can be "supermom/superwife," juggling marriage, children, career and housework -- but she has dropped the ball. She is fortunate to have such a caring, responsible helpmate as you. However, it is unfair that you should be left to juggle all of the in-home responsibilities.

Since both of you are working, do yourselves a favor and arrange for a cleaning service to help you with the housekeeping responsibilities. The peace of mind will be well worth the financial sacrifice.

DEAR ABBY: I'm writing in response to the letter from the young man whose parents disapproved of his love for an older woman with a child. The parents refused to meet the woman.

I recently received a phone call from Emmet Aanonson of Clearwater, Minn., a dear friend who was married for 53 years to Frances, a woman 17 years his senior. He insists that age has nothing to do with love.

In their youth, it was hard on Emmet and Frances because of family disapproval. His family refused to believe that a good-looking 20-year-old man could really love a 37-year-old woman with two nearly grown children.

Emmet said he did love her -- until her dying day at age 90. I was with them when she died, and he is terribly lonely without her.

At one time, Frances was named outstanding senior citizen of our county. Emmet, who was a long-haul trucker, had told her he wouldn't be with her on her big day. I'll never forget when Frances spotted him at the ceremony, and the loving kiss and hug between them. Emmet had driven all night to be with her. Many times, as Emmet and I were with her at the end of her life, she would fight to come back for him.

I promised Emmet I would write to you for him because he wants that couple to know that love conquers all. -- MARDEL SAMUELSON, CLEARWATER, MINN.

DEAR MARDEL: And I'm printing your letter so that EVERYONE will know it.

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)