DEAR ABBY: I am writing to pass on a simple idea that could save a lot of grief and heartache.

Like all parents, I make an extra effort to keep a close watch on our children whenever we are shopping or among crowds. However, even the most diligent among us has had an occasion when a child wandered off or got lost. There are no words to describe the panic a parent feels when this occurs. It is particularly true with preschool children who may be unable to articulate their parents' names, addresses or phone number -- especially under stressful conditions.

To minimize this trauma, I have begun putting my business card in our children's pockets before we go out. Each of them is instructed that it contains my name and to give it to a police officer or another responsible adult. I also explain that it will help the person find me sooner. Because they understand this, having the card helps them feel safer.

This does not substitute for careful observation of our children at all times, but if they do become lost, it provides additional information to ensure their swift and safe return. -- CONCERNED DAD IN BENICIA, CALIF.

DEAR CONCERNED DAD: An excellent idea and one that many parents would be wise to consider. However, it might be a good idea to put your home number on the card as well. Thanks for writing.

DEAR ABBY: I cannot let the letter from the hockey coach's wife go without a stronger reply than you gave -- and one in direct contradiction to your answer. You suggested that she and Al agree on the number of hours he would devote to his work with youngsters.

Abby, dear, have you read the recent statistics on the problems with kids today? (Of course you have.) They have little adult leadership and fewer role models who really give a darn. They NEED men and women who will give of their time and their hearts, and spouses who support and encourage them.

My husband died seven years ago. He had been a Boy Scout leader. For more than 20 years, he was Scoutmaster to dozens of boys, most long after our four sons had served their time as Scouts. Later he worked with adult training, helping other leaders to better serve the youth of our area. In all those years, he spent thousands of hours away from home, often on weekends at some faraway campground. He always returned renewed and happy, as was I to know that he was contributing to the future of our nation.

Today, all four of our sons continue their father's love of children. Each works with the Boy Scouts in the area in which he resides. I am proud of all five -- my sons and their dad.

More than 200 men he had helped train as kids and adults attended his funeral. My brother's comment afterward was, "At my funeral, I just want to be remembered as Frank Egan's brother-in-law." What a tribute!

Hockey wife should encourage her husband, not begrudge the time he gives to tomorrow's men. You may use my name. -- MARY V. EGAN, DALLAS

DEAR MARY: Your husband sounds like a wonderfully generous man whose legacy lives long after him. It's also clear that the relationship the two of you had was devoted and committed.

The coach's wife said that she felt her husband was using his work with the youngsters as a way of avoiding dealing with what is wrong in their marriage. Yes, I agree that donating time to better the community is important. But it's also important that the coach work out the couple's marital problems and not sacrifice his wife and family, who are his primary responsibility.

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DEAR ABBY: I desperately need some advice. I have been married for 12 years to a woman who is very self-centered. Her main concern is her job. She couldn't care less if we live in a pigsty. She feels that her long hours at work excuse her from any home responsibilities.

I realize that people have certain obligations to their jobs, but I have talked to her co-workers who have similar workloads, and most of them get their work done during regular office hours and don't have to stay late.

Abby, I am ashamed to have guests come to our home. She does clean before her co-workers come over, but otherwise she doesn't bother. You can't even get into our bedroom because of wall-to-wall clothes piled all over. And our children are patterning their lifestyles after hers.

I do more than my share around the house. I am the main caregiver to our children, and I'm the one who stays home with them when they're sick.

To make a point, I recently stopped cleaning. Now no one cleans.

I have talked to my wife about this. She assures me she'll do better, but nothing changes. This has begun to affect my feelings for her. I'm very family-oriented, but if changes are not made soon, our marriage may not survive. Do you have a solution for us? -- TIRED OF LIVING IN FILTH, PHILADELPHIA

DEAR TIRED: Your wife may be living under the delusion that she can be "supermom/superwife," juggling marriage, children, career and housework -- but she has dropped the ball. She is fortunate to have such a caring, responsible helpmate as you. However, it is unfair that you should be left to juggle all of the in-home responsibilities.

Since both of you are working, do yourselves a favor and arrange for a cleaning service to help you with the housekeeping responsibilities. The peace of mind will be well worth the financial sacrifice.

DEAR ABBY: I'm writing in response to the letter from the young man whose parents disapproved of his love for an older woman with a child. The parents refused to meet the woman.

I recently received a phone call from Emmet Aanonson of Clearwater, Minn., a dear friend who was married for 53 years to Frances, a woman 17 years his senior. He insists that age has nothing to do with love.

In their youth, it was hard on Emmet and Frances because of family disapproval. His family refused to believe that a good-looking 20-year-old man could really love a 37-year-old woman with two nearly grown children.

Emmet said he did love her -- until her dying day at age 90. I was with them when she died, and he is terribly lonely without her.

At one time, Frances was named outstanding senior citizen of our county. Emmet, who was a long-haul trucker, had told her he wouldn't be with her on her big day. I'll never forget when Frances spotted him at the ceremony, and the loving kiss and hug between them. Emmet had driven all night to be with her. Many times, as Emmet and I were with her at the end of her life, she would fight to come back for him.

I promised Emmet I would write to you for him because he wants that couple to know that love conquers all. -- MARDEL SAMUELSON, CLEARWATER, MINN.

DEAR MARDEL: And I'm printing your letter so that EVERYONE will know it.

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: You have recently been printing items with regard to domestic violence. Although it is not widely known, a new federal law dealing with this issue became effective in late 1996. It is known as the "Violence Against Women Act."

It allows a lawsuit for money damages to be brought against an abuser as a civil rights action, if the abuse was a gender-motivated crime and the crime was felonious in nature. This is important because usually in actions for damages, the individual collecting the damages must pay her own attorney's fee. In civil rights litigation, the opposing party must pay your fees. -- A (MALE) DIVORCE LAWYER IN FLORIDA

DEAR COUNSELOR: Bless you for taking the time to alert my readers to the existence of the federal Violence Against Women Act. I was not aware of it -- and I'm sure it will be news to many people.

Steps are being taken on so many fronts to battle this scourge. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: Greetings from the great state of New Mexico. As you stated in your column, domestic violence can occur in any family at any level of our society. And it must be dealt with by an equally broad spectrum of the population.

You asked the pertinent question, "Why is he using violence?" As was pointed out in a previous letter, violence begets violence. It is a continuing message our society sends to all of its children through television shows and movies that use violence, often murder, as the solution to problems.

Until we can change the vision of violence presented as entertainment to our children, there are shorter-term steps we can take as a community to end domestic violence. In New Mexico (in which 46 percent of all female homicides are the result of domestic violence), our Legislature has taken steps to protect the victims. It passed a bill that makes stalking a crime. The Legislature has also passed laws that prohibit insurance companies from discriminating against women who have been treated for domestic abuse, and that allow women to file for protective orders in the court without paying a fee.

These new laws exist because of the dedicated lobbying efforts of the Violence Against Women Task Force, a group of concerned professionals that I formed to address domestic violence and sexual assault in New Mexico. More important, the laws would not have been possible without the participants who shared their own stories -- many painful to relive -- to make us aware of the shortcomings and gaps in the system.

I hope our experience in New Mexico encourages other communities to unite against a common enemy and take action against domestic violence. -- TOM UDALL, NEW MEXICO ATTORNEY GENERAL

DEAR ATTORNEY GENERAL UDALL: You and the legislators of the great state of New Mexico are to be commended for putting those timely laws in place. Perhaps your letter will inspire lawmakers in other states to consider similar legislation, if they haven't already done so. It might save some lives.

CONFIDENTIAL TO MY IRISH FRIENDS: On this St. Patrick's Day, may I extend this old Gaelic blessing:

May those who love us, love us,

And those who don't love us,

May God turn their hearts.

And if he doesn't turn their hearts,

May he turn their ankles,

So we'll know them by their limping.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)