DEAR ABBY: My life is so messed up. I don't know what to do. A little more than a year ago, my husband decided he didn't trust me with HIS money, so he opened his own account. I told him he could pay the bills and keep track of the checking account, but he refused, saying he wanted his own.

Abby, I have a good job. It's not the greatest, but it allows me to pay my bills. When I needed a new car, I got a second job to pay for it. I also needed money to smooth over the bad relationship between our daughter and her father. I gave her things I really couldn't afford, but felt I owed her something.

Our daughter needed a car to get to work, but her father wouldn't agree to help her finance one. She asked me to co-sign on a loan, and I made the biggest mistake of my life when I agreed. A few weeks after she got the car, she lost her job. I didn't realize that the car payment was being automatically withdrawn from my account, but I don't always check my bank statement. I was horrified when I saw there was a big shortage -- she had not deposited enough money to cover the payment. She told me she had, but that was a lie. She also lied to me about money several times after that.

I asked my husband for help with the account, but he refused and asked our daughter to move out. That meant she had to pay rent and utilities, so there was no way she could make up the back payments.

Abby, I am so far behind on my bills I don't know what to do. I tried to get a loan to consolidate my bills, but I don't have sufficient collateral. I have canceled all my credit cards, but how do I live with so much debt taking every cent, leaving me no money to buy groceries or anything else? I'm desperate. Sign me ... MAXED OUT AND CONFUSED

DEAR MAXED OUT: Get thee to a credit counselor posthaste. The counselor can act as a buffer between you and your creditors to arrange more manageable payments than your current agreements specify. The counselor can also teach you to use credit wisely. Look in your telephone directory under the heading "credit counselors."

Damaged credit isn't the end of the world. If you regard this as a lesson in life, you'll get through it with your sanity intact. Just be patient and diligent about sticking to a budget.

P.S. Insist that your daughter attend credit counseling with you.

DEAR ABBY: A year ago, my husband and I moved his 76-year-old mother into a very lovely retirement home because all her friends had abandoned her, she was seeing far too many doctors, and her daughters had given up on her because of her negative "poor me" attitude.

My husband and I see her at least once a week and her daughters call her every Sunday. The place where she now lives is expensive, but well worth it. She has met many new, wonderful people. So what's the problem? Her downbeat, negative attitude has resurfaced, and we're beginning to understand why people walked away from her before.

She calls me daily to give me detailed information about all her bodily functions. I dread her calls. I work hard to be an "up" person and have tried to be a supportive daughter-in-law because I know she's in pain. She is bringing my husband and me down with her. I have talked to her about the rewards of a positive attitude -- but the odd thing is, she seems to think she has one. Please help, Abby. What can we do? -- AT MY WIT'S END

DEAR WIT'S END: When people are sick and in pain, lose the friendships that have formed their "support system," and then are taken from familiar surroundings, it's not unusual for their focus to narrow and their aches and pains to magnify. As much as you'd like to, you may not be able to resolve this alone.

Waste no time in telling your mother-in-law's doctor about her mental state. She may need counseling, more stimulation or even medication to put her in a more positive frame of mind.

For Abby's favorite family recipes, send a long, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Cookbooklet No. 1, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: Forty-five years old may not seem too old to attract someone of the opposite sex, but I'm not your average-looking 45-year-old. I have terrible wrinkles under my eyes that add years to my appearance. In the last couple of years, I have developed deep lines that run from each side of my nose down to my lips. I've tried every conceivable moisturizer and concealant, but nothing helps.

I know this is a natural part of aging, but I cannot accept that at age 45 I look so old a man won't even give me a second look, much less open a door for me or try to strike up a conversation. Wherever I go, men look only at nice-looking, younger women -- something I no longer am. I have become lonely and despondent at the realization that I will probably be alone for the rest of my life.

I've tried joining groups, doing volunteer work and even taking night classes to meet someone who might look beyond the wrinkles, but no one shows the slightest interest in me anymore. I'm friendly, courteous and approachable, and the proper weight for my height. But I guess you can't make filet mignon out of chopped liver.

If I could do something about these terrible wrinkles, my confidence would soar, and I wouldn't have to spend the rest of my life alone. However, because I can barely make ends meet and cannot afford cosmetic surgery, I see no hope. Any advice, Abby? -- HURTING IN WHITTIER, CALIF.

DEAR HURTING: How we perceive ourselves is invariably telegraphed to others. An intelligent, personable, self-confident person is not chopped liver -- or any cut of meat, for that matter. Forty-five isn't too old to attract someone of the opposite sex. Women do it every day without the aid of plastic surgery. Although your collagen may be waning, what's really sagging is your self-esteem, and as long as you think of yourself as "over the hill," that's what you'll project. Your local library has books on improving self-esteem. I urge you to borrow some of them.

DEAR ABBY: Some time ago you listed the duties of the best man in your column, and you also have the information in your wedding booklet. However, there is a point that wasn't mentioned that I would like to bring out: The minister should be paid when he or she arrives to perform the ceremony. After the ceremony, the minister is a forgotten person.

If I am not paid prior to the ceremony, I usually have to wait for some time -- and then have to ask for the fee. The best man must give the minister the marriage license before the ceremony, and I suggest the fee be placed in the envelope with the license. Then the minister doesn't have to ask for it and may leave immediately if another appointment is scheduled. -- TIRED OF WAITING IN ARLINGTON, TEXAS

DEAR TIRED OF WAITING: Thank you for an excellent suggestion. Combining two duties into one should simplify the best man's responsibilities.

For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

EDITORS: Spelling of "Tvrdy" in first signature is correct.

DEAR ABBY: I have a suggestion for "Lonely in New Mexico." When my husband and I moved to a small town in Washington, we located a vacant lot and bought it with plans to build a home there. As I walked around the neighborhood, I saw only one person outdoors. I approached him and said, "I'm going to be your neighbor." I invited him and his wife to meet us for breakfast once a week at a local restaurant, and told him that I planned to ask more neighbors to join us.

Little by little, more couples joined us for the weekly breakfast. As new neighbors moved in, I invited them to join us. As the "breakfast club" grew, I prepared a list of names, addresses and phone numbers to share so we would all know how to reach one another.

Now this club also has dinner together three times a year, and we arrange to have entertainment for those parties. "Lonely in New Mexico" should consider taking the initiative to organize her neighbors into a social group. At our meetings, we have discovered who has hobbies and common interests, so we can ask for guidance on projects or company on fishing trips. We have no agenda for the club other than friendship.

We have been meeting for eight years and greatly enjoy our weekly get-togethers. Of course, not all of our 80 neighbors attend every meeting, but enough show up so that a good time is had by all. -- JEAN J. TVRDY, SEQUIM, WASH.

DEAR JEAN: Yours is an idea worth publicizing. Where there's a will, there's a way to accomplish almost anything. You are to be commended for originating such a far-reaching good-neighbor program. I hope "Lonely in New Mexico" heeds your excellent suggestion.

DEAR ABBY: In response to "Caught in the Middle in Connecticut," whose family disapproves of his love for an older woman who has a teen-age child, I would like to give him a bit of encouragement because my husband is six years younger than I am.

When we met he was 28 and I was 34. I am of Polynesian descent, was married twice before, and had a child out of wedlock. Believe me, my mother-in-law was not thrilled with me. She not only opposed our getting married, she was extremely against our having children together.

However, our relationship has endured and strengthened. We have been married 13 years. We have two beautiful children in addition to my son and his son.

Where there is love, commitment and communication between two people, age and past history make no difference. Also, my husband has never been one to let others interfere in his life, not even his mother. After all this time, she finally has accepted me as her daughter-in-law.

If he really cares for his older girlfriend, he should stay with her. It's their future, not his family's. -- TIME-TESTED IN ARIZONA

DEAR TIME-TESTED: I agree that the young man's future belongs to him. However, he may be emotionally tied to -- or perhaps financially dependent upon -- his parents, which is why they are giving him an ultimatum. The choice is his, but I cautioned him about making hasty decisions.

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)