EDITORS: Spelling of "Tvrdy" in first signature is correct.

DEAR ABBY: I have a suggestion for "Lonely in New Mexico." When my husband and I moved to a small town in Washington, we located a vacant lot and bought it with plans to build a home there. As I walked around the neighborhood, I saw only one person outdoors. I approached him and said, "I'm going to be your neighbor." I invited him and his wife to meet us for breakfast once a week at a local restaurant, and told him that I planned to ask more neighbors to join us.

Little by little, more couples joined us for the weekly breakfast. As new neighbors moved in, I invited them to join us. As the "breakfast club" grew, I prepared a list of names, addresses and phone numbers to share so we would all know how to reach one another.

Now this club also has dinner together three times a year, and we arrange to have entertainment for those parties. "Lonely in New Mexico" should consider taking the initiative to organize her neighbors into a social group. At our meetings, we have discovered who has hobbies and common interests, so we can ask for guidance on projects or company on fishing trips. We have no agenda for the club other than friendship.

We have been meeting for eight years and greatly enjoy our weekly get-togethers. Of course, not all of our 80 neighbors attend every meeting, but enough show up so that a good time is had by all. -- JEAN J. TVRDY, SEQUIM, WASH.

DEAR JEAN: Yours is an idea worth publicizing. Where there's a will, there's a way to accomplish almost anything. You are to be commended for originating such a far-reaching good-neighbor program. I hope "Lonely in New Mexico" heeds your excellent suggestion.

DEAR ABBY: In response to "Caught in the Middle in Connecticut," whose family disapproves of his love for an older woman who has a teen-age child, I would like to give him a bit of encouragement because my husband is six years younger than I am.

When we met he was 28 and I was 34. I am of Polynesian descent, was married twice before, and had a child out of wedlock. Believe me, my mother-in-law was not thrilled with me. She not only opposed our getting married, she was extremely against our having children together.

However, our relationship has endured and strengthened. We have been married 13 years. We have two beautiful children in addition to my son and his son.

Where there is love, commitment and communication between two people, age and past history make no difference. Also, my husband has never been one to let others interfere in his life, not even his mother. After all this time, she finally has accepted me as her daughter-in-law.

If he really cares for his older girlfriend, he should stay with her. It's their future, not his family's. -- TIME-TESTED IN ARIZONA

DEAR TIME-TESTED: I agree that the young man's future belongs to him. However, he may be emotionally tied to -- or perhaps financially dependent upon -- his parents, which is why they are giving him an ultimatum. The choice is his, but I cautioned him about making hasty decisions.

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: Please remind parents who are divorcing not to forget to have that all-important conversation with their sons and daughters in which they assure them that the divorce has nothing to do with them.

Don't assume they "know." Children need to be told that their parents will be there for them, even though their parents won't be living together. And it's vital that the parents follow through by being available to their children physically, emotionally and financially as much as possible.

My father abandoned my three siblings and me in all three ways. At 44, after three failed relationships, I still hurt because my father never told me the divorce was not my fault, and because he never stood by us. With the help of counseling, I've stopped blaming my father and myself for my failed relationships. I have finally made peace with my dad. I don't respect him or the decisions he made, but I do love him. He is who he is, and I realize now that it's time to get on with my life. -- ON THE MEND IN SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA

DEAR ON THE MEND: That's good advice for divorcing parents everywhere. As I say in my teen booklet, the real victims of divorce or separation are too often the innocent bystanders -- the children. I tell the children of divorce: "Don't make your burden harder to bear by feeling in any way guilty about the split. Children are seldom, if ever, the cause -- or even a factor -- in a divorce or separation."

DEAR ABBY: I, too, used to silently condemn able-looking people who park in handicapped spaces. Then my husband developed lymphatic cancer at age 39 and needed chemotherapy and radiation treatments.

During his half-year of treatment, he displayed a handicapped placard in his car. Anybody watching him leave his car would have seen a tall, handsome, well-built man in the prime of his life. But the powerful treatments left him so weak and exhausted, he could barely walk across a parking lot.

That's when I realized that not all disabilities show, and if a person has a handicapped placard on the dashboard, he or she probably needs it. -- JULI IN VALLEY VILLAGE, CALIF.

P.S. Three years later, my husband is doing just fine.

DEAR JULI: I'm pleased that your story has a happy ending. I'm printing your letter as a reminder that people shouldn't jump to conclusions without having all the facts.

DEAR ABBY: I was driving home on New Year's Day via California Highway 73, one of the few toll roads in our state. At the collection gate, I followed a black four-door sedan. I thought the young female driver was talking excessively to the collector, but I stayed composed. When I handed the collector the fee, he returned it, informing me that the driver ahead of me had paid my fee and also wished me a Happy New Year!

Abby, a wonderful warmth came over me as my faith in the goodness of my fellowman was for that moment restored. -- LLOYD JONES, SAN DIEGO

DEAR LLOYD: A wonderful warmth came over ME when I read your letter. Thank you for sharing a dandy day-brightener.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: You printed a letter recently from a woman who didn't understand why people would not want to go to a nursing home when they get old. You responded that "many are hesitant to give up their independence and familiar surroundings" or to "surrender control of their lives," and noted that assisted-living facilities offer varying levels of care that are a more attractive alternative.

There can be a far better choice: A bill currently before Congress offers senior citizens and persons with disabilities the option to maintain their independence and control of their lives while remaining in their own homes -- or the option to choose a congregate (group-care) facility if that is their preference.

This bill is the Medicaid Community Attendant Services Act (HB2020). The bill, known as MiCASA (Spanish for "my house"), introduced by Speaker of the House Newt Gingrich and co-sponsored by House Minority Leader Richard Gephardt, would amend Title XIX of the Social Security Act-Medicaid to create a new option called "Qualified Community-Based Attendant Services."

Anyone eligible for a nursing facility or intermediate-care facility services for the mentally retarded would be allowed to stay in their own home and receive attendant care to assist them in their home, workplace, recreation or religious activities. The money follows the individual. It can be used to move out of congregate-care settings or to avoid having to move in. The need for assistance in daily living and health-related tasks will no longer mean that people have to give up their familiar surroundings or their independence.

This bill will benefit everyone who is disabled or will ever have a disability or be old -- and that's everyone. To secure the right to choose, call or write your representatives in Congress and urge them to co-sponsor and vote for this important bill. -- GAIL B. KEAR, EXECUTIVE DIRECTOR, LIFE-CIL/CENTER FOR INDEPENDENT LIVING, BLOOMINGTON, ILL.

DEAR GAIL: Thank you for alerting me to this pending legislation. The vast majority of the mail I received in response to the letter from "Living It Up to the End" contained horror stories about the conditions faced by seniors when they enter nursing homes. Of course there are exceptions, but the MiCASA bill appears to be the answer to countless prayers. I hope we'll hear more about it in the near future. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: As an advocate for nursing home residents, I'm aware of cases throughout the country of abuse and neglect in nursing homes, as well as violations of residents' most basic rights.

Nursing home residents and their families never call me to share the wonderful experiences they have had with a particular facility. They call to report that they were sexually assaulted by a staff member or left to lie in their own waste for hours until someone could change their sheets, or they were refused re-admittance to the nursing home after they were sent to a hospital emergency room.

While some very good facilities provide excellent care, many poor nursing homes violate the law on a daily basis. "Living It Up" should spend time visiting local nursing homes. I'm sure many are neither "clean" nor "pleasant." Until or unless "Living It Up" has resided in a nursing home, she should never pass judgment on those who refuse to consider a sterile and often undignified environment an "option" to living in their own homes. -- ARIZONA ADVOCATE

DEAR ADVOCATE: Conditions in nursing homes will not improve until families make it their business to stay in close touch with the residents, visiting frequently and at various hours -- and taking their relatives out as often as possible to prevent them from becoming isolated. Carrying out that responsibility may not be easy, but it's vitally important.

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)