DEAR ABBY: We recently attended our niece's sixth-grade basketball game at the YMCA. The game was supposed to be noncompetitive and fun -- however, it was anything but that. The parents of the opposing team were yelling at our niece, screaming and cheering every time she missed a basket. At least three children broke down in tears during the game.

To counter a written complaint the coach made, the wives of the other team's coaches made up lies and reported them to the director. (All the lies were subsequently refuted by the referees, kids on both teams and some parents.)

Abby, I can't believe that so much pressure could be put on young people. Girls are especially vulnerable at 11 or 12. While it's part of the game to get excited about winning, I wish more parents would consider the kids' emotions. What do you think? -- CONCERNED MOM IN INDIANA

DEAR CONCERNED MOM: For parents to humiliate children on the opposing team in an attempt to give their own children a psychological advantage is shameful. The parents should consider what they are teaching their children by their example.

Aside from the obvious health benefits that sports offer children of both sexes, the children are supposed to be learning teamwork and good sportsmanship.

DEAR ABBY: Recently a reader wrote telling you that she sees nothing wrong with listing toy preferences and clothing sizes on birthday party invitations. After all, she said, birthday gifts are expected. I am certain that she wrote this based upon her frame of reference, but I would like to respond from mine.

Last year, my son had a party to celebrate his 11th birthday. Written invitations -- no mention of gifts -- were distributed. The day of the party, one invited boy phoned to say he probably would not show up. Knowing a little about the boy and his family, I suspected the problem was that he could not afford a gift -- so I whispered a suggestion to my son while he was still on the phone. Then, continuing his conversation with the boy, my son said, "Come to the party. And don't worry about a present. I have plenty of toys. I just want YOU." The boy came to the party, with no present. No one cared.

Another boy showed up and presented my son with an obviously used toy, which was the cause of tears that night in bed. My son was upset and trying to figure out if he should keep the present or return it to his friend, a classmate. A few days before the party, my son had found out the boy was living in a dilapidated shack with his family -- a discovery that was anything but easy for my son to deal with.

Imagine if we had listed appropriate gifts on a party invitation! How unkind that would have been. None of us ever really knows what the circumstances are for others, and because we never know, perhaps it's best not to make assumptions. -- CAROLINE IN ASTORIA, ORE.

DEAR CAROLINE: How true. Your letter illustrates that point very well.

DEAR ABBY: Recently a reader wrote telling you that she sees nothing wrong with listing toy preferences and clothing sizes on birthday party invitations. After all, she said, birthday gifts are expected. I am certain that she wrote this based upon her frame of reference, but I would like to respond from mine.

Last year, my son had a party to celebrate his 11th birthday. Written invitations -- no mention of gifts -- were distributed. The day of the party, one invited boy phoned to say he probably would not show up. Knowing a little about the boy and his family, I suspected the problem was that he could not afford a gift -- so I whispered a suggestion to my son while he was still on the phone. Then, continuing his conversation with the boy, my son said, "Come to the party. And don't worry about a present. I have plenty of toys. I just want YOU." The boy came to the party, with no present. No one cared.

Another boy showed up and presented my son with an obviously used toy, which was the cause of tears that night in bed. My son was upset and trying to figure out if he should keep the present or return it to his friend, a classmate. A few days before the party, my son had found out the boy was living in a dilapidated shack with his family -- a discovery that was anything but easy for my son to deal with.

Imagine if we had listed appropriate gifts on a party invitation! How unkind that would have been. None of us ever really knows what the circumstances are for others, and because we never know, perhaps it's best not to make assumptions. -- CAROLINE IN ASTORIA, ORE.

DEAR CAROLINE: How true. Your letter illustrates that point very well.

DEAR ABBY: I thought you might enjoy this story. My grandson and granddaughter were invited to their grandmother's house for Christmas dinner.

Noting all the candles on the table, my grandson said there were enough for a menorah. His grandmother replied that she didn't really know what a menorah is used for, whereupon my 10-year-old granddaughter said, "Grandma, that's what you spread on the garden." -- BUD IN ST. PETE

DEAR ABBY: I love reading your column. A couple of years ago, I read a piece on forgiveness and realized that, like many other people, I don't know how to forgive or ask for forgiveness. Your column helped. Would you please run it again? -- MRS. G.S.K.P., LAKE WORTH, FLA.

DEAR MRS. G.S.K.P.: Pleased to oblige. Since this is International Forgiveness Week, your letter is timely. The poem you requested was written by George Roemisch.

FORGIVENESS

Forgiveness is the wind-blown bud

which blooms in placid beauty at Verdun.

Forgiveness is the tiny slate-gray sparrow

which has built its nest of twigs and string

among the shards of glass upon the wall of shame.

Forgiveness is the child who laughs in merry ecstasy

beneath the toothed fence that closes in Da Nang.

Forgiveness is the fragrance of the violet

which still clings fast to the heel that crushed it.

Forgiveness is the broken dream

which hides itself within the corner of the mind

oft called forgetfulness so that it will not bring

pain to the dreamer.

Forgiveness is the reed

which stands up straight and green

when nature's mighty rampage halts, full spent.

Forgivness is a God who will not leave us

after all we've done.

So, dear readers, a gentle reminder: If perchance you are the "heel" that crushed a violet -- this is the week to seek forgiveness.

DEAR ABBY: I received a down comforter for Christmas. It has done such a great job of keeping me toasty warm, I wake in the middle of the night sweating. Yet if I throw off the comforter, I find myself freezing again. (My parents gave me the comforter because I constantly complained about how cold the house is.)

One of my friends suggested that I sleep in the nude. She started doing it herself after she got an electric blanket. I tried it a few times and it works. I no longer wake up sweating.

I am writing because I feel guilty about sleeping in the nude. Nobody knows that I sleep in the nude. I keep a full-length robe that completely conceals my body to slip on when I get out of bed, but I still fear that I'm doing something wrong. My friend, who also sleeps in the nude, tried to reassure me that what I am doing is not immoral -- and she is more active in our church than I am. But it hasn't erased my doubts. Can you help? I want to continue sleeping in the nude, but want to do so guilt-free. -- NAKED UNDER THE FEATHERS

DEAR NAKED: As long as you sleep alone, why should you feel guilty? Sleeping in the nude is harmless. It's neither indecent nor immoral. And since you keep a bathrobe handy, I see no reason why you shouldn't continue if you're more comfortable that way.

For Abby's favorite family recipes, send a long, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Cookbooklet No. 1, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I read with interest the letter in your column from "I'd Rather Be Alone." I agree with what you and she said, but I was disappointed that you let her get away with saying there are far too many verbally abusive HUSBANDS out there. Out of fairness, there are too many abusive PEOPLE. It is a stereotype to think that only men are abusive.

I was in a verbally abusive marriage for 11 years. My wife would yell, scream and swear at me in front of our children. When I tried to leave the house, she would block the door with her body and tell me I couldn't leave. She would belittle me, call me names and berate me for things that she had done.

Years of counseling did not help. She was powerless to change her behavior, and I finally had to file for divorce. Please, Abby, it's not always the man who is the abuser. -- ALONE AND RECOVERING IN OREGON

DEAR ALONE AND RECOVERING: If I implied that only males are verbally abusive, I apologize, for that was not my intention. A pattern of verbal abuse is far more serious than an occasional lapse of temper; it's about controlling one's partner. It's intended to drain the victim of confidence, and its volume increases so that the victim is thrown off balance and reeling from emotional battering. If abusive behavior cannot be resolved with therapy, the sensible solution is to end the relationship -- as you did.

DEAR ABBY: I am a widow. How do I announce my daughter's engagement? My daughter and I want to include her late father's name, but are unsure if it is proper. Is there a correct form for this? -- ASKING IN OLYMPIA, WASH.

DEAR ASKING: According to Emily Post's "Complete Book of Wedding Etiquette," the wording for the newspaper announcement of your daughter's engagement should be: "Mrs. Bob Smith announces the engagement of her daughter, Miss Roberta Smith, to Alan Jones, etc. Miss Smith is also the daughter of the late Bob Smith."

When it is time to send the wedding invitations, use this wording:

"Together with their families, Roberta Smith, daughter of Alice Smith and the late Bob Smith, and Alan Jones, son of Mr. and Mrs. Mark Jones," etc.

DEAR ABBY: I am a 32-year-old, well-built woman who is often told that I'm very attractive. I am also gay, and have been in a committed relationship for six years.

At work, men frequently hit on me and ask, "Do you have a boyfriend?" Although the town I live in is fairly open-minded, I don't really want to "out" myself to clients, because not all of them are open-minded, and I don't want to cost my company any business because some clients may be bigoted. How should I rebuff such verbal advances? -- ANONYMOUS IN MICHIGAN

DEAR ANONYMOUS: Say, "I'm flattered -- but I'm already involved with someone."

For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)