DEAR ABBY: My mother has always suffered with various degrees of depression. She no longer takes medication or sees a therapist, but perhaps she should.

When Mom and I go to lunch together, or when I call her, the conversations are always about the wrongs Dad has done to her throughout their whole marriage. I've heard these stories since childhood, and here I am at 32 still being forced to listen to the same old tales of woe.

Because I have heard all this before, I have little patience with her. When I try to change the subject or request she stop complaining, she makes me the enemy and a fight ensues. Dad always insists that I apologize so Mom won't go into another deep depression.

Abby, Mom has no friends, only enemies. I suggested she join church groups, etc., so she will have a life, but she still dwells mainly in the past. Dad can't see that I'm trying to bring her into the present when I ask her not to rehash the past.

I want to enjoy my mother's company and have her enjoy mine. Abby, what can I do to make our visits more pleasant? -- IMPATIENT DAUGHTER

DEAR DAUGHTER: Please be patient with your mother. Apparently she is still sick and needs further treatment. She wouldn't rehash past traumas in her marriage if she were able to let go and live in the present.

Talk to your father about encouraging your mother to get back into therapy and on medication. With both of you urging her, she may accept that additional therapy is necessary.

When you and your mother are having lunch, acknowledge her pain and give her a little sympathy; then gently change the subject, preferably to something she cares about other than her pain. If that doesn't work, try, try again. One day you will be glad you did what you could for her rather than cutting her off.

DEAR ABBY: My grandma worships you. She gave me one of your booklets, "What Every Teen Should Know." I put it away for months, then I read a few chapters, including "Please God, I'm Only 17." It made me cry.

Thanks a lot. You're great -- you really are. -- JAIME E. JOST, 13, SUPERIOR, WIS.

DEAR JAIME: Thank YOU. Your letter made my day. At age 13, you exhibit a quality some people never acquire: giving roses to people while they are still able to smell them.

DEAR ABBY: Re: Promise Keepers.

The original promises were made at the wedding in front of the families, friends and, usually, God. Why do new promises have to be made? Why do promises to women have to be made in the absence of women? Any time a group is excluded from an organization, it implies the group is believed not to be worthy of membership. I am willing to apply this both to the Promise Keepers and the National Organization for Women (NOW).

I am all for keeping promises. But I'd find it more credible if the male Promise Keepers stayed home and did the dishes, rather than having another night out with the boys. In this regard, I see little difference between bowling and Promise Keepers meetings or rallies. -- FAITHFUL (MALE) READER

DEAR FAITHFUL (MALE) READER: You may have missed the column I printed, comprising letters from wives of Promise Keepers who praised the organization for having inspired their husbands to work harder at being better mates. Although it would be nice if the Promise Keepers were co-educational, with an emphasis on both spouses keeping the promises they made at the altar, unless I receive negative mail from the wives, I'm reluctant to criticize a program that seems to be having a positive influence on couples who feel they need it.

P.S. Membership in the National Organization for Women is not restricted to women only.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR READERS: Last year I printed a letter from a California mother who wanted to share a letter she and her husband had received from their daughter the night before her wedding. It read:

"Dearest Parents: On our wedding day, as my husband and I take our vows and make promises to each other, I make this promise to you as well. Even as I take him into my heart and life, I promise to keep you, parents dear, in my heart and life always.

"On this day, know that our love is not divided; it is multiplied, and you are embraced with the full measure of love and promises that he and I share here today.

"For I know that I am able to love and cherish him so much because you loved and cherished me first."

I recently received the following letter from a Waterford, Mich., reader. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: You published a letter a couple received as a gift from their daughter the night before her wedding, and you responded that it was a beautiful tribute to them and that they had raised a winner.

I wept when I read the words of the letter, as I did when I first wrote them a few years ago. I am an owner of the Victoria Wedding Chapel in Waterford, Mich. The tribute was written by me with my own precious mother in mind -- to sell as a scroll to brides at my chapel.

It is now also sold by I Do Ltd., a mail-order firm in Newport Beach, Calif., from whom I receive royalties.

Although the California bride may have copied my words, it does not diminish her sincerity, for I have always known that the thousands of brides across the country who have purchased my scroll must have an extraordinary love and appreciation for their mothers or parents.

I wrote not so much to claim credit for the words, but because my own dear parents, Florence and Edwin Ostrander of Pontiac, Mich., both now gone, deserve the ultimate tribute. Indeed, I am a winner, for they instilled in me such love and gratitude that I was able to write words that touch the hearts of many brides, and among the thousands of letters you receive, touched you as well.

Abby, please set things straight, and let the world know about my wonderful parents. -- SHARON OSTRANDER REED

DEAR SHARON: Please accept my apology for any pain that was caused you because someone else claimed credit for your beautiful essay. Your parents raised a very special daughter, and your words have inspired countless brides and deeply touched their parents.

Readers who quote the writings of others should always remember to credit the author.

DEAR ABBY: I grew up with a very old-fashioned mother. Living with someone before marriage was against her rules. How I wish I had broken that rule and lived with my first husband before I married him. We dated for five years, but after our wedding I discovered that I really didn't know very much about him. Besides being a total slob, he used drugs. I didn't know that before I lived with him.

I divorced him and am now married to a wonderful man who is neat, sweet and drug-free. We were engaged after dating eight months and were married six months later. Yes, Abby, I lived with him first, and this time I knew what I was getting into. After the experience I had with my first marriage, even my old-fashioned mother approved of my "trial run." -- HAPPY THE SECOND TIME AROUND, SAVANNAH, GA.

DEAR HAPPY: I'm from your mother's generation. However, if you are happy and she approves, who am I to criticize a winning combination?

For Abby's favorite family recipes, send a long, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Cookbooklet No. 1, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I need to get something off my chest. Here is my problem: friends upset about not being asked to be my bridesmaids; family angry about who is giving the bridal shower; being interrogated about why I'm not changing my name; and parents insisting on inviting so many additional guests that we had to reserve a larger reception hall than the one indicated on our invitations.

Abby, rarely do people wish us well. It seems they just want to control some aspect of this event. I am so fed up with this nonsense that I wish we had eloped. We discussed doing that last week -- but some of the guests had already purchased nonrefundable plane tickets, so we could not in good conscience cancel the wedding.

Abby, please tell people who have the uncontrollable urge to meddle and complain about other people's weddings to back off, stay home, bite their tongues, and reserve their negativity for their own lives. Speaking for my fiance and myself, only those who wish to celebrate our joy and love should honor us with their presence on our wedding day. -- WISH WE'D ELOPED IN PENNSYLVANIA

P.S. Thanks for listening. I feel better already.

DEAR WISH WE'D ELOPED: That's what I'm here for, and I'm pleased that venting your feelings provided relief from your pre-wedding stress. The reason that etiquette books are such enduring sellers is because emotions often reach a fever pitch during "milestone events," and they provide guidance as people negotiate their way through the social minefield.

In your case, since the plans have already been made, I would urge tolerance for those who are second-guessing your choices. It's your day and your wishes should prevail; however, the fewer hurt feelings in the wake of this event, the better for you and your husband in the long run.

DEAR ABBY: I am in a heartbreaking predicament. I have been married to "Steve" for three years. I knew shortly after the wedding that I had made a mistake. I am not in love with Steve, even though he is a good man. I don't think he loves me either.

About nine months ago, because I was miserable and had sunk into a deep depression, I tried unsuccessfully to end the marriage. Steve and I were separated for about six months.

The problem is my family thinks he is the greatest thing since sliced bread. During our separation, they were closer to him than they were to me. He and I never attended church when we were married, yet when we separated, Steve joined my parents' church and shows up there every time the doors are open. He has everyone convinced, including my family, that he is perfect. In private, he is far from perfect.

After six months of separation, my family convinced me to go back and try again. We have been together for three months, and I'm more miserable than ever. I desperately want out -- to get on with my life -- but I fear I may lose my family. They are convinced I am completely in the wrong.

I used to be an outgoing person, but I am beginning to feel suicidal. I haven't left my home more than 10 times in the last three months. How can I convince my family that I must get out of this marriage? -- MISERABLY MARRIED

DEAR MISERABLY MARRIED: The only person you must convince is yourself, and you have already done that. While your family may be captivated by Steve, it is probably because they think he can make you happy.

It may take time, but when you family sees you blossom into the outgoing woman they once knew (without Steve), they will understand that no matter how much they liked him, Steve was not right for you.

For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)