DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have a different opinion about the rules of marital separation.

Early in our marriage, following the birth of a child, my husband became unhappy with our union. Without warning, he announced that he was moving out for a trial separation. During that time he slept with another woman.

He claims that his infidelity was justified because he had moved out. Had I known that the separation was his idea of permission to resume a single lifestyle, I would likely have made very different decisions on my own behalf. If his rules apply, whenever I feel I'm "unhappy" and need to get away, it's OK to take a nice vacation and sleep with whomever I find attractive. However, I doubt he would approve of the shoe being on the other foot, although he thought it was permissible for him to behave that way.

I believe a trial separation serves as a vehicle for couples to work out their differences and in no way nullifies the marriage vows. In my opinion, only when there is intent to dissolve the marriage AND a suit for divorce has been legally filed are the vows waived.

I say he cheated on me and had an affair. He says not. Abby, what do you say? -- FORGIVING BUT UNABLE TO FORGET IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR FORGIVING: I, too, say he cheated on you when he had an affair. However, you were sufficiently committed to each other for the marriage to have withstood his infidelity.

Since this is still a bone of contention, you would be wise to seek professional counseling to discharge your lingering anger. It will undoubtedly strengthen your union.

DEAR ABBY: My wife has allowed our 16-month-old daughter, "Alicia," to sleep in our bed (off and on) for some time. My wife gets tired of waking up in the middle of the night to rock Alicia back to sleep, so she picks her up and brings her back to our bed.

I try to help out by going into Alicia's room and rocking her and eventually laying her back down in her crib. This usually works, but when my wife brings her into our room, she destroys the progress I was making in keeping the baby in her own bed.

I love our daughter very much, but I end up with little feet hitting my chin and I don't sleep well. My wife doesn't seem to mind, but I want our bed back. Alicia has a beautiful crib and I think in time she will learn to love it, but my wife says she can't stand to hear her cry.

Abby, what do pediatricians say? -- CROWDED BED

DEAR CROWDED BED: Pediatricians differ on this issue. While many believe otherwise, most American families keep their babies in separate beds. In some other cultures, it is normal for a baby to share the parents' bed until mid-childhood.

An infant will adjust to the style the parents choose. You and your wife must determine where you want Alicia to sleep, then be consistent in establishing a pattern. It may take several nights of crying, but Alicia can learn to sleep comfortably in her own bed, if that is what you choose to teach her.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I am an active-duty member of the U.S. Navy stationed aboard the USNS Laramie, a Navy refueling oiler that supports the fleet. I have recently spent my first holiday away from home -- in the Mediterranean Sea, to be exact.

My crew members and I applaud all of the individuals who worked so hard to make Operation Dear Abby a success this year. Abby, many of us have tried to respond to each person individually. Unfortunately, with the hundreds of cards, boxes of cookies and candies, and other items that were sent to "Any Service Member, Operation Dear Abby," I'm not sure every person will get a reply. So, on behalf of my fellow shipmates and other military members stationed away from home, I would like to say, "THANK YOU, AMERICA! We may not have been home for the holidays, but we know that our sacrifice has not been in vain. Your kindness is appreciated!"

I know that I speak for all members of the military when I say we wish everyone all the best during the coming year. -- DONNA A. EVANS, YEOMAN FIRST CLASS, U.S. NAVY

DEAR DONNA: It is with pleasure that I'm transmitting your message to the patriotic Americans who participated in Operation Dear Abby. Although our servicemen and women may be far away, they are in our hearts and never far from our thoughts.

DEAR ABBY: I must respond to the daughter-in-law who was upset about her father-in-law's new relationship. Having recently lost my wonderful husband, friend and companion of 29 years, I, too, found solace in the companionship of a widower friend who was in the same situation. This relationship has not replaced the love for my husband, but it has permitted me to experience life and joy again.

My husband and I discussed these matters, and this was his wish as well as mine. Those who have not experienced such grief and loss should be the last to condemn those who have. -- GRIEVING BUT LIVING IN PITTSBURGH

DEAR GRIEVING: Well put. Those who have not experienced a comparable loss should withhold judgment before condemning the wounded.

DEAR ABBY: I am making a speech to a local professional secretaries group next month. My topic is "beauty."

Is there a specific minimum number of jewelry pieces and accessories that a woman can wear? Also, are white shoes limited to weddings and debutante parties? If you can add some pointers on "beauty," it would be greatly appreciated. -- YOUNG SECRETARY, NORTH FORT MYERS, FLA.

DEAR YOUNG SECRETARY: White shoes are not limited to weddings and debutante parties, and there is no specific rule concerning minimum jewelry and accessories a professional woman should wear.

My rule of thumb is: When in doubt -- leave it off.

'Tis said, "Beauty lies in the eye of the beholder." The plainest woman can light up a room when she wears a smile.

P.S. Good hygiene and neatness are cardinal rules for well-dressed women -- and men.

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: My wife locked her purse in the trunk of her car at the shopping mall before she went inside to walk around with a friend. When she was ready to leave, she opened the trunk to get her purse. It was gone! Both the car and the trunk had been locked, but a thief had opened her locked car and used the release lever to open the trunk.

She never locked the trunk release lever because it was so handy to use. (It was handy for the thief, too.)

Not only were her purse and its contents missing, so was the garage door opener she always left clipped to the visor. However, my wife didn't need it when she arrived home -- because the thief had left the garage door open for her. Our house had also been pilfered!

Many people leave the garage door opener clipped to the visor; it's so convenient. Since my wife had her keys with her, the thief did not get them, but he gained access to the house through the garage. (The thief got our address from the license registration in the glove compartment.) He parked in our garage, closed the door, and loaded the stolen items.

Several lessons can be learned from this incident: Always carry your garage door opener WITH you, as if it were the key to your front door, and install a deadbolt lock between the garage and living area. DO NOT leave the trunk lever unlocked, and if you are going to put your purse in the trunk, do it before you arrive at the shopping mall.

The scariest thing about the incident is that the thief or thieves could still have been in the house when my wife returned.

Please don't use my name. This is a sensitive issue because I had told my wife many times to carry the garage door opener with her, and I should have had the deadbolt installed sooner. -- POORER AND WISER NOW IN WASHINGTON STATE

DEAR POORER AND WISER: Your wife learned a very expensive lesson -- but it could have been far worse. Thank you for reminding my readers that the interior of their cars is vulnerable if a thief is serious about breaking in, and that a garage door opener in the wrong hands is as good as an "open sesame" for Ali Baba and the 40 thieves. (And that's no exaggeration!)

DEAR ABBY: I am writing on behalf of retired people in Florida, many of whom live on Social Security income. Every year we get winter visitors whom we love having, but we all have the same problem.

After the company goes home, we receive larger than usual utility and food bills. Meanwhile, our guests have saved hundreds of dollars in hotel or motel charges.

Taking us out for an occasional dinner doesn't pay our bills! Is there anything wrong with giving the host/hostess $100 or buying them something they need for their home?

Many of us have moved down south to conserve money. We want our friends to visit, but we need for them to contribute financially. Any suggestions, Abby? -- HAPPY IN FLORIDA

DEAR HAPPY: I'm sure that the visiting snowbirds would be pleased to contribute financially -- if they knew up front you could use the money.

The next time you get a call from potential houseguests, speak up and tell them that you'd love to have them -- but you are on a strict budget, and if they wouldn't mind reimbursing you for the extra expenses of their visit, they'd be more than welcome.

DEAR READERS: Do you have a bald friend? (Who hasn't?) If your bookstore doesn't have "Bald Men Always Come Out on Top" by Dave Beswick, ask them to order it (AMA Publishing, St. Augustine, Fla.). It's hilarious and should comfort even the baldest of men. Trust me.

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)