DEAR ABBY: I'm going through the most confusing period of my life. I am 18 and working both a full-time and a part-time job to support my children, a daughter who is 2 and a 1-year-old son. My life is crazy at this point.

Abby, I'm thinking about giving custody of my son to a couple at church. Why? Because raising two children is too difficult at my age. I'm a single mother and cannot support two children financially.

I'm unable to give my son the love and care he needs, and I want him to be happy. I don't want to give him up, but I want the best for him and I know I can't provide it.

Abby, please help me. What should I do? -- CONFUSED, CRAZY MOTHER

DEAR MOTHER: Follow your heart and give your son to parents who can provide what you cannot. It would be a generous act of love.

I would urge you, however, to give the custodial parents a letter to your son that they can give to him when he begins to question the love of a mother who would "give him away."

DEAR ABBY: My 21-year-old son, "Sam," dropped out of college and wanted to paint houses for a living. He needed a car, so I offered to find him painting projects around the house to earn $500 -- partial payment for the car. I paid him more than the going rate and gave him credit for more hours than he worked.

When he came to me and wanted the $500, I reminded him the money was for a car, and he could have it when he found one. (He's getting money from his mother to live on.) He picked up a bar stool and hit me with it, bruising me and breaking the tile countertop. On his way out, he broke a table and a bowl. I deducted $300 for the damages and sent him a check, but he hasn't apologized and says he never wants to see me again.

Should I have called the police and charged Sam with assault and battery to help him see that violence is not the way to settle a dispute? -- A GRIEVING FATHER

DEAR GRIEVING FATHER: Your son has a serious problem controlling his temper. He should have learned by now how to channel his anger and frustration without resorting to violence. I am undecided as to whether or not he was fortunate that you didn't notify the police and press charges.

However, you were also wrong for having agreed to pay Sam for painting your house, then to have withheld the money he earned when he asked for it.

DEAR ABBY: Today I read the letter from "The Man Who Loves Her." I, too, was a smoker and can sympathize with both people in that letter. It took me -- and me alone -- to quit. Please, Abby, pass this on to those who are trying to quit: "DON'T GIVE UP!"

Maybe today you will quit for only a day, perhaps tomorrow it will be for two days. Just keep trying. I know it's not easy to stop something you enjoy, but after you have quit for a month or so, you will realize that you didn't really enjoy it -- you were simply a slave to it.

In my mind, I finally decided what I wanted more than nicotine. I wanted to live. -- JILL DIAL, TITUSVILLE, FLA.

DEAR JILL: Thank you for a powerful letter. Be assured that it will inspire countless smokers to follow your example.

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: Several years ago, I became romantically involved with a prominent lawyer who represented my in-laws in a bitter legal battle. We secretly began spending lots of time together. I was 24 years old, Catholic, married with one child. He was 50, Jewish, married with three children.

We saw or called each other daily. I became pregnant and delivered a beautiful baby girl who is the spitting image of him.

Shortly after, his family learned about us through his office, and took it very hard. I apologized for the pain our relationship caused them. With great regret, he ended the relationship because he claimed he "had no choice." He has not called me since.

After the breakup, my husband insisted on a paternity test, which clearly proved HE was not the father.

I never told the lawyer that the baby is his, because I care for him and I'm afraid of jeopardizing his license. My husband agreed to raise her as his own, provided I never tell the lawyer he's the father.

Abby, I will be face-to-face with this lawyer at a trial very soon, and I will have to divulge pertinent information on him, and it's possible our relationship and daughter may be exposed. What should I do? -- "BOOB-BIE"

DEAR BOOB-BIE: What a mess! VOLUNTEER no information, but under no circumstances should you lie under oath.

DEAR ABBY: The letter from Dr. Michael Gorback with the Center for Pain Relief in Houston prompts this letter.

It is not as simple as he makes it sound. Narcotics are not dangerous merely because they cause addictive behavior or dependence. Narcotics progressively weaken the brain physically by destroying sleep quality.

Chronic pain patients are already sleep-deprived. That is why they require such large doses of narcotics to soothe. We must find ways to protect restorative healing sleep for our chronically ill.

Poor sleep habits and sleep impairment are major public health problems in our nation. Sleep deprivation causes learning disorders, disease, substance abuse, suicide, violence, and industrial and motor vehicle accidents. We cannot casually use medications that continue to destroy sleep quality. -- EDWARD S. FRIEDRICHS, M.D., BROWN DEER, WIS.

DEAR DR. FRIEDRICHS: Most chronic pain patients suffer sleep deprivation due to pain, and pain medication makes a positive impact on their lives by allowing them to sleep more comfortably. The message in Dr. Gorback's letter was that narcotic pain medication, when administered properly, is restorative rather than addictive. Please read on for another letter from a fellow physician:

DEAR ABBY: I enjoyed the letter you printed by Dr. Michael Gorback. You responded that Dr. Gorback's philosophy may be viewed by some as audacious; nonetheless you thought it was sensible and logical.

Abby, 95 percent of physicians agree with Dr. Gorback. His philosophy is not audacious at all. It is simply common sense and love for one's fellow human beings. The real albatross over the years has been state and federal regulatory agencies and overzealous bureaucrats.

Any person who does not endorse Dr. Gorback's philosophy (simple humanitarianism and logic) is frankly ignorant.

You have done a great service by publishing that letter. I applaud and admire you. -- A WISCONSIN PHYSICIAN

DEAR PHYSICIAN: Thank you for the supportive letter, and for the reassurance that the majority of physicians feel as you and Dr. Gorback do. In the past I have heard horror stories from families of people who suffered and died in terrible pain because their caregivers were afraid of what the law might do to them if they "addicted" a dying patient.

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DEAR ABBY: We worked hard all our lives and raised a large family. Once our children were educated, they took jobs far away and married. We seldom get to see our grandchildren.

When it came time for retirement, we bought books on the best retirement locations, checked out tax bases and compared real estate prices. We moved to the Sunbelt. Wonderful! No more cold, snowy winters or hot, humid summers!

We moved into a small community, which is what we wanted -- very little crime, no heavy traffic, small-town values. People have lived here for generations and have deep roots. The trouble is, they have their extended families, their lifelong friends, their routines. They aren't about to open up their circles and take someone new into the community.

I know what you are going to say: "Join a church and get involved in community work." We have. We attend church every Sunday and do all those other things you might suggest. People are very cordial and pleasant. However, there is a big difference between being cordial and establishing a friendship.

We are well-educated, outgoing people who have never before lacked for friends. Here, we find ourselves definitely outsiders. It is very lonely, and I shudder at the thought of growing older and more isolated. Forget about moving. We have put too much sweat and money into organizing our home just the way we want it. We're stuck.

I guess what I want to tell people is: Don't be too quick to uproot yourselves and move somewhere new. When you are older, there are a lot worse things to contend with than bad weather. -- LONELY IN NEW MEXICO

DEAR LONELY: As the population ages, your experience is becoming increasingly common. It is also true that some communities are more hospitable than others. Perhaps some of my "transplanted" retired readers will share how they met the challenge of starting over in a new location.

DEAR ABBY: There is no doubt in my mind that you sincerely care about the people who write to you. You always try your utmost to give them sound advice. Unfortunately, there are two sides to every story.

The letter from "Little League Mom, Fruitland Park, Fla." praised Orel Hershiser while chastising the other athletes her sons wrote to during the World Series. The time elapsed between the letter sent to the players and the time her letter to you was printed was just a few weeks. (She noted that Hershiser was pitching in the Series when they wrote to the players.) This is such a small time lapse.

The primary reason the players probably didn't autograph the cards was the high prices people pay for autographs. Many players have stopped signing autographs at games because adults get children to obtain them -- and then the adults sell the autographs. This is using the children and the players, and it's wrong. What's to stop a con man from mailing in numerous requests for autographs using the return addresses of friends and neighbors?

If the mother wants her sons to have autographs, she should take her children to card shows that often will have stars on hand to sign autographs for a fee. -- DOUGLAS D. WATSON, EVANSVILLE, IND.

DEAR DOUGLAS: While there probably are collectors who cheat to obtain autographs to sell, I doubt if America's heroes would cut off their young fans to prevent a few unprincipled and greedy adults from making a profit on the players' fame. That would be cutting off their noses to spite their faces. I suspect there are other reasons why players fail to return cards and respond to letters, such as requests too numerous to fill, schedules that don't permit them to respond to every fan, and possibly contracts with their owners.

Card shows where players autograph items for a fee are not a bad idea for serious collectors, but young fans who want an autograph simply because they "worship" the player should be able to write directly to the athlete or a fan club and request an autograph. It's the "American way."

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