DEAR ABBY: I am a divorced man with two terrific kids, ages 6 and 8. During the past year, my ex-wife married a man whose previous wife passed away from cancer. "Roger" has two young girls from his first marriage. I am pleased that my ex-wife has found someone with whom I feel comfortable, and who seems to care for my children as well as his own.

Because their mother is deceased, Roger's children refer to my ex-wife as their mother, not their stepmother. I understand that, but now my children have begun calling Roger "Dad." Before the marriage, they called him by his first name. They call me "Daddy," but I am never sure whether it is me or their stepfather they are referring to when they say "Dad."

I love my children with all my heart and am very involved in their lives. I never miss their plays, recitals, games, etc. I respect and acknowledge their stepfather's position, but I feel it is confusing and improper for my children to refer to him as "Dad." Please tell me what you think. I value your opinion. -- REAL DAD IN JEW JERSEY

DEAR REAL DAD: Your children have found a way to accommodate you and their new family. While the terms may seem uncomfortably similar to you, if you asked them, I'm sure they could reassure you that they have distinct definitions of "Dad" and "Daddy." As long as you remain actively involved in their lives, you will always be their No. 1 Daddy. Treasure that, and allow Roger to have his place.

DEAR ABBY: I object to your advice to the mother who regrets how she treated her 18-year-old daughter in the past, and said she was feeling suicidal. You advised her to "pick up the telephone and tell your doctor exactly how you are feeling."

I am a family physician who gets far too many of these phone calls now. If someone wants substantial attention from a physician, an appointment should be made. Most of us have no time to give to callers, and it's not fair to promote us as a mental health hot line, particularly for chronic problems. (This woman's main problem seems to be taking responsibility for her actions; she needs to do more than emote to someone on the phone about her misery.)

It's also interesting that you suggest "medical help" can quickly fix her problem. No antidepressant relieves one of stepping up to the plate and accepting the fallout for failures in the essential challenges of life. I know we're living in an age of medicalization of behavioral issues, but beware of deceiving your readers by suggesting an easy fix!

I cannot sign this because some of my patients might think I lack compassion for them in similar circumstances, which is wrong. -- A DOCTOR IN MICHIGAN

DEAR DOCTOR: I advised the suicidal woman to talk to her doctor because I assumed her doctor would be caring enough to take the call if she said the matter was urgent and personal, and because thoughts of suicide might be something she'd rather not discuss with a medical receptionist. Also, many people don't know which psychology professional to see, and they depend on their physicians to refer them. If that was a mistake, you are the only doctor who has written to tell me so.

I'm sorry you didn't sign your name. Had you done so, your schedule would probably open up sufficiently to allow you to accept phone calls from patients in emotional pain.

DEAR ABBY: We have a problem and need a tactful solution, and are hoping you can help us.

We recently installed an expensive parquet floor in our home, and we would like to keep spike heels off it. How can we tell our guests in a nice way? -- MRS. B. FROM N.C.

DEAR MRS. B.: Keep a collection of bedroom slippers in all sizes near the front door. It's subtle, non-offensive, and should solve your problem.

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: It appears to me that "Living a Nightmare" is ready to leave her abusive husband. The booklet you suggested may be helpful, but she may not have time to wait for its arrival, or her husband may beat her if he discovers it in the mail.

She needs someone to tell her, "Leave NOW; you are ready!" She should decide where to go and what to take with her. She should pack lightly, and take nothing that would reveal her whereabouts. She should enlist the support of a few trustworthy friends and family members, as well as the law. Above all, her plans and her location should NOT be revealed to her husband, for he will resort to extreme violence to try to stop her. You can count on that.

"Living a Nightmare," my prayers are with you. I used to think the only way I'd survive my situation would be if my abuser died. I was wrong. I left, and it was easier than I'd ever imagined. That was 12 years ago. I am now married to a man who treasures my physical and emotional well-being. You deserve the same. -- BEEN THERE IN STOCKTON, CALIF.

DEAR BEEN THERE: The most dangerous time for the victim is when she decides to leave. Her batterer's mental state can run the gamut from disturbed to downright psychotic. It is essential that the victim have a well-thought-out plan of action ready. That is what the booklet I recommended in my column was designed to provide.

Please note that I also said it should be purchased by someone close to the victim, so that it will not be discovered on the premises or in the mail by the batterer.

Many times over the years I have urged battery victims to leave their batterer. However, the decision when to make that move is a very delicate and personal one. The timing cannot be decided "for" someone, no matter how well meaning one is.

DEAR ABBY: My husband stops and picks up the local newspaper every morning from a vending machine on our way to work. The other morning, a girl who appeared to be about 6 was in front of him in line, buying the paper for her mother, who was sitting in the car. The child put the money for one paper in the slot and took TWO newspapers!

My husband said to her, "Oh, is this two-for-one day?" The child did not reply. She just took the two newspapers to her mother.

Abby, this is stealing, pure and simple. I wonder what this mother is going to think when her daughter becomes a teen and gets arrested for shoplifting at the mall? I suppose she'll wonder where her daughter got the idea that it is OK to take something without paying for it.

I hope she reads this and recognizes herself. -- DISGUSTED IN DELMAR, N.Y.

DEAR DISGUSTED: The mother missed an opportunity to teach her child right from wrong. (No wonder many of our newspapers are worried about declining circulation dollars.) If the child took the extra newspaper in error, the mother should have instructed her to put it back. However, if she put the child up to it -- shame on her.

DEAR ABBY: I've heard brides (and mothers of brides) ponder what to do with used wedding dresses. May I tell you what I did?

As the mother of daughters who were often asked to be bridesmaids and were eventually married themselves, I wound up with quite a collection of prom dresses, as well as bridal gowns and attendant dresses.

With my daughters' permission, I called the local Little Theater, and they were thrilled to pick up the gowns to add to their costume wardrobe! I was delighted that they would be useful to someone. In addition, I gained valuable storage space -- so everybody benefited. -- MRS. C.D. DAVIS, SAND SPRINGS, OKLA.

DEAR MRS. DAVIS: For those who are not emotionally attached to their special-occasion gowns, that's an excellent suggestion. I'm sure many readers will be inspired by it.

DEAR READERS: Have a happy, healthy and prosperous 1998. And remember, if you're driving, don't drink; and if you're drinking, don't drive.

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I am a Chinese-American from Taiwan. I have a college education and have lived in San Francisco for 10 years.

My friends "Arthur" and "Larry" are a Japanese-American couple who have lived in a deluxe mansion for 22 years. One day, they invited "Ron" and me for a homemade dinner. At the last minute I brought along "Richard" without calling them for permission. Arthur was angry when he saw that I brought an extra guest and said to me in the kitchen, "It is very rude to bring a guest with no advance notice. Didn't your mother teach you any manners?"

All I could say was, "Sorry, sorry!"

He refused to cook the meal and left the house in a huff. Larry entertained us and said to me, "I don't mind the extra guest."

In my family, my mother always welcomed extra guests by saying, "Don't worry -- all we need is to provide one more pair of chopsticks for the guest."

The next day, Larry informed me that Arthur had decided to punish me by not talking to me for three months. He bought me a book on etiquette by Emily and Elizabeth L. Post.

Abby, was my innocent mistake really that terrible, or did Arthur overreact? What should I do after the three-month punishment? Beg him for forgiveness, or end the friendship? -- WONDERING IN SAN FRANCISCO

DEAR WONDERING: Although it's considered bad manners to bring an uninvited guest to a dinner party without first asking permission from the host, it is far worse manners for a host to refuse to cook the dinner and walk out!

Yes, indeed, Arthur overreacted. He owes all of you an apology. However, what you do following the three-month silence depends entirely upon how much you value the relationship with this couple.

DEAR ABBY: I have never written to you before, but I felt compelled to do so after reading the letter from "Not Guilty by Association," the daughter of the racist father.

I want to applaud this young lady for her courage and strength in refusing to allow her father's misguided beliefs to infect her life. She is probably not aware of the fact that she has broken a link in the chain of racist hate. Racism is taught, not inherited. The only way we will ever eliminate this deadly infection, which is a crime against all mankind, is through teaching our children that it is wrong to hate anyone based on skin color, race or religious beliefs.

I want this young lady to know that she, herself, is a victory in the battle against this infection. Because she chose not to follow her father and become a link in the racist chain, her children will be raised to see individuals for who they are, and not for any external reasons.

Although you face a very difficult situation, "Not Guilty," please know that many people stand behind you and wish you God's blessing. Your personal fight against racism is a fight for all who want to rid the world of this deadly infection. -- MICKEY CASE, FALLBROOK, CALIF.

DEAR MICKEY: I'm pleased to pass along your message of support. Ultimately, we must all be judged by what we stand for, and not the thoughts and deeds of our parents.

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby's "Keepers," P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)