DEAR ABBY: I have started this letter many times, not finishing it because I know the answer to the advice I seek. I am a 48-year-old woman, married to a wonderful man for 10 years.

For the last 21 years, I have been having an affair.

It started when my first marriage came apart. My lover is a handsome younger man. Over the years I divorced, he married, I remarried, he became a widower -- and we continued our affair.

To our family and friends, we are old friends. We are thrown together for all occasions and no one has ever suspected. As the old song goes, "Daytime friends, nighttime lovers."

I know this affair must end. It has to, before we hurt and disappoint our families and friends. I love him and always will. But I need to know how to end it after all these years. -- NAMELESS

DEAR NAMELESS: The first step is to tell your lover exactly what you have told me -- that you want the affair to come to an end. Ask him to help by limiting the number of social occasions when you will be thrown together. (An eligible, attractive widower must get many invitations, not to mention offers.) You are both adults, and with mutual cooperation you can eliminate the opportunities to succumb to temptation.

The alternative would be to tell your husband what has been going on all these years. That, I guarantee, would end it.

DEAR ABBY: Here is my 2 cents for "Bent Out of Shape in San Francisco." It is sad that he lost his car and tried to keep the female, but his priorities are screwed up. They should be:

1. Fix car.

2. Dump girlfriend.

Since he bought the car 30 years ago, he is about my age (50). I, too, have a classic car that I drove off the dealer's lot in 1968. I've never found a woman I would trade the car for. Classic cars are too hard to find nowadays, and the restoration costs are high.

Most of the women I've met bailed out when the going got tough, and yet my car (and motorcycle) are still there taking me to job interviews and getting me through the difficult times.

It's far better to be alone and lonely than to be married and lonely. -- PAT IN FONTANA, CALIF.

DEAR PAT: Sorry about your bad luck with females. However, far more women stick it out rather than bail out when times get tough. Fiftieth wedding anniversaries are common, and that's testimony to the ability of many females to last for the duration of a run of bad luck. Furthermore, they're a lot softer and warmer to snuggle up to than cold steel and leather on a chilly night.

DEAR ABBY: A few years ago you printed the way to determine a dog's age. Would you please send me that column, or print it again? -- GLINN IN RENO, NEV.

DEAR GLINN: I'm pleased to oblige. The first year of a dog's life is equal to 15 in a human's. The second year is the equivalent of nine more years of human age, making the dog 24 years old. After that, each year equals four more years of human life. Interestingly, the smaller the dog, the longer its life. So when a pup has been with its owner for 16 years, its age would be equivalent to an 80-year-old human.

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby's "Keepers," P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: After spending yet another night alone while my husband was out having a few beers with his friends, I decided to write him the following thank-you note:

Thank you for the countless times you've gone out with your friends and left me home alone; it's made me realize I'm pretty good company.

Thank you for withholding your affection; you taught me I can live without it.

Thank you for refusing to help me do anything around the house; it's made me realize I can do just about anything myself.

Thank you for finding reasons not to spend time with me; it's made me learn to appreciate spending time alone.

Thank you for never sitting down to talk to me; the quiet time has allowed me to re-evaluate my life.

But most of all, and I mean this sincerely, thank you for giving me nine lonely years to realize with conviction that I can walk away from you and survive! -- YOUR 'IN NAME ONLY' WIFE

DEAR IN NAME ONLY: Your farewell letter gives new meaning to finding the good in every bad situation. I'm sorry your lessons had to be learned the hard way. Perhaps your letter will educate others and save them from the pain you experienced.

DEAR ABBY: On the last night of baseball's World Series, I settled in front of the television to watch this deciding game. At the bottom of the ninth inning, my wife asked me to change the channel to her favorite Sunday evening program. This is a program that comes on every week. The last game of the World Series comes on once a year.

I did not want to change the channel, and an argument ensued. I relented, but I was so angry I went for a one-hour walk to cool off while she watched her program. I returned to find my wife pouting because I didn't watch her program with her.

You, being a woman, will have a real problem deciding who should have given in. Abby, please don't suggest two televisions. Come right out with your response. -- FRANK B. JAMES, EL CAJON, CALIF.

DEAR FRANK: I had no problem at all deciding. This is not a man/woman issue. It is about common courtesy and consideration. I think your wife should have conceded.

P.S. Do you own a VCR? It could have averted a disagreement, and allowed you both to have viewed her favorite program at a later time.

DEAR ABBY: I can bear it no longer. I want to know what other people think of "clapping" in church after the choir -- or an individual -- sings. I am so weary of it.

I always thought that you sang in church to praise the Lord, not as entertainment. Most choir numbers or solos are very moving. Then to hear this rousing applause just galls me. People never used to clap in church after performances. Why have they started now?

I think it is rude rather than complimentary. A church should be a place of worship where people offer their talent to God -- not an entertainment center.

After the service ends, there is plenty of time to say you enjoyed their singing. -- P. MEYERS IN MISSOURI

DEAR P. MEYERS: A spontaneous outburst of applause in appreciation of the choir -- or soloist having delivered an exceptionally moving performance -- is understandable, although I have never witnessed it.

Discuss your concerns with your pastor and church leaders. If they find it objectionable, they can pass the word to the congregation that applause during a worship service is inappropriate.

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: "Quaking in California," the 15-year-old girl who was bothered by her father's friend, must talk immediately to her school counselor or a caring, sympathetic teacher. And she must not be afraid to tell the truth if police interview her.

Four years ago, the sister of one of my students became unusually quiet and withdrawn, so I made a point of befriending her. She told me a shocking story about "the man who sleeps in my bed," her father's boyhood friend who came to the family's trailer in the evenings, slept in her bed and made sexual advances. Her parents did not interfere! She told me how scared she was, and that she couldn't sleep, think or do her school work.

I told her to tell her parents that I said they must "make him leave tonight, or by law they could be held responsible." That empowered the parents. He left that night. I also contacted her school principal, who summoned a deputy because we are legally required to report such incidents. I was away from school the day they questioned her. The poor girl was so intimidated she denied everything. She was sure the man would kill her if she reported him.

Later, the deputy called me to say that apparently the girl had lied to me. I was shocked. I was often in her home because of their distress and poverty. I knew her well enough to know she was telling me the truth. The family believes the man murdered his pregnant wife in his hometown in another country and fled here illegally. They also believed that he delivered narcotics across the state, hidden among the heavy equipment he transported. The parents were terrified of him.

Abby, I wrote a letter and sent it to the Sheriff's Department, the INS, the DEA, our SANE (Substance Abuse Narcotics Education) officer, the student's principal, and a newspaper reporter who had befriended the family. The "man who sleeps in my bed" disappeared in days and hasn't been seen since. We could get rid of those who would harm our children, if we persist. -- A CALIFORNIA TEACHER

DEAR TEACHER: You handled the problem very well. I hope others will learn from your example. Please read on for more input from a caring professional:

DEAR ABBY: I am a clinical social worker in Los Angeles who is very disturbed about the letter in your column from the 15-year-old girl who is being stalked and harassed by her father's 34-year-old male friend.

You were absolutely correct when you told her to save and photocopy the notes and show them to a responsible adult, such as a school counselor or clergyperson. I would strongly urge this young woman to go even further than this. The behavior of these irresponsible parents is unconscionable. They cannot be relied upon to take action when the school authorities contact them about this.

She can, and should, report this man's behavior both to the police and to her local Department of Children's Services. Her school counselor can help her contact them. These two entities have the power to protect her from further harassment and stalking (and he is indeed stalking her), to provide education and counseling to the family, to educate her mother and father about responsible parenting, and to monitor them to ensure that they provide it. She should also ask her school counselor to provide her with ongoing counseling for herself.

Urge her to do this without delay, before the man becomes more bold in his actions. -- CONCERNED ADULT IN L.A.

For Abby's favorite family recipes, send a long, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Cookbooklet No. 1, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)