DEAR ABBY: I was appalled at the arrogance of the teacher who recently wrote, "I have never met a parent who can give his/her children the quality of education I can offer." Does she really believe she can adequately assess my child's needs and give my child a better education in a class filled with 25 other students than I can give on a one-to-one basis?

The National Home Education Institute has recently released data that indicate home-educated students typically score in the 85th percentile on standardized tests. These results are achieved by students whose parents are often not certified teachers and who have spent, on average, $546 per child per year to educate them. The county in which I live recently reported spending $4,791 per student per year and cannot boast equivalent standardized test scores.

I have been a home-school mom for five years and have seen remarkable results in the home-school community. A recent example: A young man who achieved a perfect score on his SATs and was eagerly accepted into the Massachusetts Institute of Technology. -- PATRICIA A. BERNHAUSEN, RICHMOND, VA.

DEAR PATRICIA: In recent months I have published letters from home-schooled children and educators. Your letter is one of a tidal wave of articulate letters from parents rising to defend home-schooling. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: If every teacher could give the "quality education" the one teacher in California claims to give, there might not be a need for parents to teach their children at home. Obviously, when children graduate and can't read, the system has failed. Home-schooling a child is about more than hoping the child receives a good education. It's about safety, instilling the basics of reading, writing and arithmetic, and as a Christian, teaching biblical values.

One reason we don't send our children to school is because of the retired teacher in Florida. His values are not our values. He writes, "Parents should examine the teaching materials ... to make sure they are compatible with their own beliefs." Abby, we ARE familiar with the material. We know what our beliefs are, and we intend to pass them on to our children, who are well-behaved, courteous, intelligent and interact well with others.

Parents who make the enormous sacrifice to teach their children at home can offer them an education that will far surpass any they could receive in a public school. Home-schooling is not for everyone, but if you're concerned with the education your child is receiving, then it's something to consider. -- MELISA SHREVE, QUINLAN, TEXAS

DEAR ABBY: Unbiased research by such respected institutions as Harvard and the University of Michigan to evaluate the results of home-schooling indicates that home-taught students fare better than their public education peers. Reader's Digest reported these findings in an article published several years ago.

While I don't believe that all parents would do an adequate job of educating their own children, many can. And the vast majority of home-schooling parents are proving it. It makes me wonder what those who are condemning us are afraid of. -- RHONDA RANDALL, CINCINNATI

DEAR RHONDA: Approximately 1.23 million American children are being taught at home. Several home-schooling parents mailed me an interesting study provided by the Home School Legal Defense Association, titled "Home Education Across the United States." Its research represents the largest and most comprehensive study on home-schooling ever done -- data collected on 5,402 students during the 1994-95 and 1995-96 academic years. Those readers interested in ordering a copy should send $2 to: Home School Legal Defense Association, P.O. Box 3000, Purcellville, Va. 20134. The Internet address is www.hslda.org.

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: Every year for as long as I can remember, I've sworn I'd never celebrate another Christmas like the last one, but the holidays are near again, and I haven't done anything to change it.

We have six grown children, all married, and many grandchildren. We have never spent less than $25 on gifts for each of them -- spouses included. This has become quite expensive.

Along with the expense comes a feeling of wastefulness, one gift becoming lost among all the others. There's nothing I could give my grandchildren that they don't already have, and our children are all doing well financially.

My husband retired this year, and we're living on a lot less money now, but even if our finances were greater, I've lost the desire to contribute to this empty commercialism. I don't want to stop giving completely, but I long to have a more meaningful holiday with my family, sharing the gift of OURSELVES and not our wallets.

How can I tactfully approach the subject of cutting back and still let them know how much I love and appreciate each one? -- SEARCHING FOR ANSWERS

DEAR SEARCHING: Yours is a common plight. Honesty is the best approach. Tell your family exactly what you have told me, and offer alternatives. Limit the number of gifts to each person, or limit the dollar amount spent; draw names rather than everyone giving to everyone else; give one gift to each family; ask for no gifts for yourself or your husband, and request instead that the children create something.

As a family, do something for those less fortunate. Spend an evening singing carols at nursing homes and hospitals; gather to bake cookies or prepare a meal for a needy family. Your adult children will appreciate your initiative in reducing their financial burden, and the grandchildren will learn a valuable lesson about the true spirit of Christmas.

Readers, remember the special needs of seniors this season. Most seniors don't want or need expensive gifts. They prefer practical items that make life easier: postcards or lined stationery and plenty of postage stamps; a "certificate" for a service you can perform that is difficult for them; a basket with a variety of canned fruits and vegetables.

A gift of your time to drive them on errands or to church and the doctor, or simply visiting will be appreciated and remembered long after the holidays have passed and the material gifts have been stored away.

Don't forget that many needy children rely on community-sponsored programs if they are to have any Christmas at all. Contributing new toys or clothes to a group in your area will make life brighter for a child living on the edge of poverty. Please consider tucking a book or two into your gift -- giving a child the opportunity to learn to love reading is the greatest gift of all.

DEAR ABBY: In response to the query, "How do you define elderly?" I figure it must be beyond "middle age."

I'm 63 and feel 35, and I define "middle age" as anyone 15 years older than I am.

Thanks for years of entertainment. -- ROBERT GOULET, LAS VEGAS

DEAR ROBERT: No, no. Thank YOU for years of entertainment!

For Abby's favorite family recipes, send a long, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Cookbooklet No. 1, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: "Larry" and I married five years ago after a whirlwind, passionate courtship. He said I was his dream come true.

As I think back on those words, I become ill. Why? Because from the day we married, my life became a living nightmare. It began on our honeymoon. I talked to another man, and Larry got so angry he slammed my face into the wall and broke my nose. I should have left then, but I believed him when he said how sorry he was -- that it had been an accident and would never happen again. Besides, my parents had just paid for our wedding, and I was too ashamed to tell them what had happened.

Over the last five years, Larry has broken my wrist by throwing me down the stairs. He broke my shoulder when he pushed me out of a moving car, and he has beaten me so badly I've had to hide in the house for days to keep the people I know from seeing the bruises. I am ashamed to tell anyone. He keeps saying he is sorry and promises it won't happen again ... but it does.

We have two children. We would have had three, but Larry kicked me in the stomach when I was four months pregnant and I had a miscarriage. Maybe it was a blessing because our children have a terrible life. They're scared to death of him. I am desperate to leave, but I, too, am scared. When I tell him I want a divorce, he threatens to kill me. Is there any hope? -- LIVING A NIGHTMARE

DEAR LIVING: There is always hope. Reaching out for help is the first step, and by writing to me, you have taken that step.

It is reported that more than 4,000 women are murdered each year by their abusers. Battered women's advocates tell me that the most dangerous time for a battered woman is when she decides to leave. Statistics show that a woman who leaves her batterer is far more likely to be killed than those who stay. This is not intended to discourage leaving, however, but to emphasize the importance of a clearly conceived escape plan. Most women CAN leave safely with careful planning.

Your first step is to create a safety plan for you and your children while you are still living with Larry. If you decide to leave, this plan should also be designed so that he cannot find you.

I recently received a 50-page booklet called "Striving to Be Violence Free ... A Guidebook for Creating a Safety Plan." It is written and published by an award-winning, nonprofit agency called Perspectives Inc., in St. Louis Park, Minn.

It contains several checklists that will help you explore your options and make sound choices. Especially useful would be the chapter that addresses "creating a safety plan." This section will help you prepare for the next violent outburst; and sadly, there is always a "next time." Unfortunately, over time the violence usually becomes more frequent and severe.

Readers, if you know someone who could benefit from this guidebook, be a friend and buy it for her. (Consider having it sent to your own house to avoid a confrontation with the abuser.)

For parents, this booklet has important information for your daughters -- a section called "Warning Signs of a Potential Batterer," which is designed to help a woman examine a man's behavior BEFORE she makes a commitment to him.

To order this guidebook, send $4 to: Perspectives Inc., 3381 Gorham Ave., St. Louis Park, Minn. 55426 (Attn: Guidebook). Include your name and address clearly printed on an address label, 3-by-5 card or a sheet of paper. Allow four to five weeks for delivery.

For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)