DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have just observed the second anniversary of the death of our firstborn child, and I have finally gathered the courage to write this letter.

My child, the passenger, was killed instantly in a horrible car accident. The driver died a few hours later. Both of these teen-agers had been drinking. The driver had a fake ID, and apparently had purchased alcohol for both of them. The autopsy report on my child came back as legally intoxicated.

My husband and I did everything we could to warn our child about the dangers of alcohol and other drugs. Our words fell on deaf ears, despite all our pleas and warnings.

Even after two years, it's still difficult to allow our surviving teen-ager the freedom to go out at night. That wreck is always in the back of our minds. Though this child is dependable and responsible, we live in fear of the deadly driving of another drunken teen who thinks the only way to have fun is to illegally purchase alcohol and other drugs.

Since the world is still reeling from the shock of the senseless death of the Princess of Wales, perhaps it's a good time for those who admired her to stop and think before getting behind the wheel of a car after they've been drinking.

I realize the problems of driving while intoxicated are not limited to teen-agers and young adults. Everyone, regardless of age, needs to be made aware of this horrible problem so common in our society today.

Parents and teachers, please show this letter to the young people you care about. It may cause some kids to wake up before it's too late. -- GRIEVING MOM IN TEXAS

DEAR GRIEVING MOM: I offer my deepest sympathy on the tragic loss of your firstborn. With the holidays rapidly approaching, I hope your letter will serve as a cautionary reminder about the dangers of driving under the influence of alcohol and/or drugs. Although for years parents have hammered home the message, "Don't drive if you've been drinking," they should also emphasize that when passengers are intoxicated, they cannot reliably judge the sobriety of the driver.

DEAR ABBY: My two children, ages 8 and 11, each have chores to do after every meal, such as clearing the table or putting the dishes in the dishwasher.

When the children have friends over, however, they don't want to do their chores. Is it OK to make them? And if so, should they be able to ask their guests to help? -- UNSURE MOM, MARINE ON SAINT CROIX, MINN.

DEAR MOM: Every family has its own approach to children and chores. It's up to you to determine what works best for you, and then enforce it. If the children are responsible about performing their duties, an occasional night off when special friends visit could be a simple way of rewarding them. If you require that they do their chores even when they have company, their friends should not be expected to assist them, unless they volunteer to do so.

DEAR ABBY: Although I've never written to you before, I have what I think is a valuable tip for the young mother whose child threw a temper tantrum in a department store. (She was alarmed that no one tried to stop her as she carried the screaming child from the store.)

I taught both my children that if a stranger grabs them, they're to yell, "Put me down! You're not my daddy (or mommy)!" Hopefully this would arouse more attention than simply yelling would.

I hope this is helpful not only to the woman who wrote to you, but to other parents as well. -- PROTECTIVE MOM IN TEXAS

DEAR PROTECTIVE MOM: I appreciate your valuable suggestion. Thank you for submitting it.

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: My wife is the most unselfish person I know. She'll do anything except for one thing. She loves her children and does everything they ask -- except for what they want most. My wife adores our grandchildren and will indulge them with anything they ask -- except for what they harass her about most often. She refuses to quit smoking.

Her love for her family is exceeded only by her addiction to nicotine. Cigarettes are her first thought in the morning, and they receive her last caress at night. She has emphysema, breathes heavily and coughs constantly. We haven't shared a bed in years because her coughing keeps me awake. She sleeps on the living room couch to elevate her head and facilitate her breathing.

Cough drops and other non-prescription drugs temporarily relieve a variety of ailments, so she ingests them daily along with prescription medications. She has undergone angioplasty to clear a clogged artery and was advised by her surgeon to stop smoking. Unfortunately, her addiction is more powerful than her desire to live.

I also have lung disease from 40 years of smoking cigarettes, pipes and cigars. Five times I quit for more than a year. Twice I quit cold turkey without help. Twice I had acupuncture. I quit the last time three years ago during a "smoke stoppers" class at the hospital. I know smoking is a difficult habit to break. And I suspect it's more difficult for people who are genetically prone to addictions. (My wife is a recovering alcoholic.)

She has tried to quit smoking. She's had acupuncture twice and she also attended the "smoke stoppers" course. She has worn nicotine patches and has chewed nicotine-based gum. But she has never gone more than a day or two without a cigarette. (She confessed that she lit up while driving home from one of the $100 acupuncture treatments.) In deference to her family, she doesn't smoke in the house. In wind, rain and cold temperatures, she goes outside to light up. And this further aggravates her respiratory problems.

I'm angry. I'm angry with my wife. I'm angry with myself for being her co-dependent. I'm angry at cigarette companies for enticing us to take up this insidious habit. And I'm angry with the government for not exercising more control over a drug that kills 500,000 Americans every year.

My wife was born of sturdy Norwegian ancestry on a farm in Minnesota, and for years her body stubbornly resisted the hourly doses of nicotine. But little by little, her body is losing the battle. She needs help. I need help. -- THE MAN WHO LOVES HER

DEAR MAN: Your wife may be beyond the help you seek, but perhaps it will comfort you to know that your powerful letter may convince another person to stop smoking. And tomorrow will provide the perfect opportunity:

READERS, tomorrow, Nov. 20, marks the 21st Annual Great American Smokeout. The Smokeout is a one-day campaign to encourage smokers to quit smoking for 24 hours -- to prove that they can do it. Last year, more than 11,960,000 quit for the day -- a giant step in the right direction.

My readers tell me that while "cold turkey" is the most difficult, it's also the most effective way to kick the habit. Those who need help or want more information about the effects of tobacco may call the local chapter of the American Cancer Society or 1-800-ACS-2345.

So, Dear Readers, if you're hooked on tobacco and have been saying, "One of these days, I'm going to quit," why not join the Great American Smokeout and quit tomorrow? It won't be easy, but it will be the best Thanksgiving gift you can give yourself and those who love you.

Abby shares more of her favorite, easy-to-prepare recipes. To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, More Favorite Recipes, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: Every year, I throw a Christmas party for 25 or 30 people. What is the polite response when I'm asked by a prior attendee, whom I do not wish to invite, if I am throwing a party again this year?

This happened three times last year, and I don't know how to handle the question. I could never respond with a blunt, "Yes, but you're not invited." Nor would I be comfortable with the lie of "No." So I usually stammer some vague nonanswer about not even having my Christmas cards out yet.

My honest response would be, "I am -- but regrettably, I just can't invite everyone I would like to. Let's plan to get together after the holidays."

I don't want to cause the hurt feelings that being excluded would create, especially when it is someone whose company I enjoy. At the same time, though, I am blessed with a large circle of friends and acquaintances, and can invite only so many people.

How would you or your readers respond to a question like this that probably shouldn't have been asked in the first place? Or am I just being overly sensitive? -- POLITE HOST, SEATTLE

DEAR POLITE: You are not being overly sensitive -- you are simply a host who has trouble saying no. Your honest response is the best way to explain the situation.

DEAR ABBY: You recently printed a letter from a woman who is involved with an HIV-positive man. I tested positive seven years ago and am still as healthy as ever. To others in her situation I would say: Go ahead and live your lives. It would be sad to break off a promising relationship for fear of an illness that may never happen. However, at the same time, be wise and make a plan for what you'll do if he does get sick. This same advice applies to any mature couple.

I'd like to offer a list of suggestions that might be valuable to anyone who tests HIV-positive:

1. Make sure you have good health insurance. Get medical exams several times a year from a doctor who has experience with HIV. This is important so that potential infections can be nipped in the bud.

2. Reduce the stress in your life. Stress can weaken the immune system.

3. Don't waste energy feeling ashamed about HIV. It's just a particle of protein. Let family and friends know, by your example, that you're the same person you always were.

4. Learn as much as you can about HIV treatments. Many people with HIV never develop AIDS, and new medicines are helping people with AIDS live longer and better lives. You are your own best advocate.

5. Expect to experience periods of fear, sadness and anger. Talk about your feelings with someone you trust, and don't be afraid to ask for help. A support group of other people in your situation can be an excellent way to deal with feelings and share information. -- LIVING WELL IN KENNEBUNK, MAINE

DEAR LIVING WELL: I'm sure that many people will benefit from your sensible suggestions. Thank you for a helpful letter.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)