DEAR ABBY: The Alzheimer's Association and other medical sources estimate that nearly 50 percent of people over the age of 85 will suffer from Alzheimer's disease. I believe that spouses of foreign-born men and women, who are part of the 50 percent, will face the added difficulty of communicating with their wives and husbands.

As Alzheimer's disease gradually erases the memory of the patient, starting with the present and going back chronologically to his or her childhood, the use of English or other second languages disappears.

It is important for caregivers who speak only the second language to learn enough of the patient's first language so they can communicate in basic words and phrases. I didn't, and am now faced with the complication of trying to understand the wants and needs of a French-speaking wife. Within the past six months she has regressed from all English to 75 percent French, and the change increases daily. Over the past 50 years, she has often complained that she has lost her French almost entirely. She is as fluent today as she has ever been.

Last week, as my wife started to wake up one morning, I put my arms around her with our heads ear to ear. She thought I was her deceased sister. For 45 minutes she talked (in French) about when they were youngsters, and she mentioned her mother, father, brother, nuns, friends and places they had been. She was feeling such joy! Finally, she drifted back to sleep. When she awakened, she bubbled over with excitement as she told me of the wonderful time she had reminiscing with her sister. Such moments may be rare, but they are unforgettable and treasured.

I deeply regret the years I rationalized that I couldn't pronounce French properly, didn't have time to learn it, didn't need it and saw no future need for it. So, start learning that foreign language now. The younger you are when you begin, the easier and more rapidly you'll become fluent in your spouse's first language. -- RICHARD IN EVERETT, WASH.

DEAR RICHARD: That's valuable advice, regardless of the mental condition of one's spouse. However, the problem you have raised pertaining to people with Alzheimer's disease is a serious one.

Growing numbers of foreign-born seniors in major cities across the country have made it increasingly important that culturally appropriate services reflect changing demographics. Being able to communicate with the patient is crucial for a reliable diagnosis. For everyday care, families need to learn to rely on non-verbal communication -- facial expressions, touch and body language.

How to meet the needs of a diverse and frail population that speaks limited English is an issue of concern in today's caregiving community, and it will become even more so in the future. The Alzheimer's Association can provide caregivers with suggestions to improve communication. The toll-free number is (800) 272-3900.

DEAR ABBY: I have a problem I have never seen in your column. My great-grandson who is nearly 10 years old believes in Santa Claus. He says all the kids at school say there isn't any Santa Claus, but he knows there is. He says he can hear him downstairs when he brings his gifts, and he can also hear him coming down the chimney and on the roof.

Abby, this child will be heartbroken when he finds out the truth. My husband and I are dreading for Christmas to come. We just don't know how to handle it. Any suggestions? -- GRANDMA IN SARATOGA SPRINGS, N.Y.

DEAR GRANDMA: The best way to handle any problem is to tell the truth. The Santa Claus story is exciting and believable for very young children, but when they first begin to question if there really IS a Santa Claus, it's time for total honesty.

For Abby's favorite family recipes, send a long, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Cookbooklet No. 1, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I have been dating "Ross" for 13 years. We have never lived together. Shortly before I met him, his business fell on hard times. We agreed (I thought) that once he was financially back on his feet, we'd get married. Well, it's been almost two years since his financial recovery and still no proposal.

Last Christmas, he asked me what I wanted. I told him, "an engagement ring." Needless to say, I didn't get one. When I asked him why, he said he has become disenchanted with marriage. Then he talked about actress Goldie Hawn and producer/actor Kurt Russell's long relationship -- very happily unmarried. Many of Ross' friends and family are either going through divorces or are unhappily married. But I don't understand what this has to do with us. Why should I be penalized?

I have never pressured Ross about marriage. I thought it was only a matter of time. He says he loves me, there's no other woman, and I believe him.

We are still seeing each other exclusively, and I don't want anyone else. But something is missing. We're not "complete." I find myself getting upset with him over many little things. I can't let go of the hurt and disappointment. Am I to blame for allowing this to drag on without a solid commitment from him? What do you think, Abby? -- UNHAPPILY SINGLE IN CINCINNATI

DEAR UNHAPPILY SINGLE: I don't blame you for feeling hurt and disappointed. Ross may be afraid of commitment and is unwilling to take on the legal and financial responsibilities of marriage. Regardless of the reason, what is missing from this relationship is his willingness to make a legal commitment.

There's an old saying, "If you're looking for trout, don't go fishing in a herring barrel." If it's marriage you desire, stop hanging onto a man who is disenchanted with the institution and find one whose values are more in keeping with yours.

DEAR ABBY: When I read the items in your column about the definitions of "elderly," I had to share this:

About 12 years ago, my husband, "Jeff," and I, our two young children and all of Jeff's family gathered for a five-generation dinner. Jeff's great-grandfather, who was 97 years old at the time, was visiting for the first time since our children were born.

Also in attendance was his daughter, my husband's "Grandma Hazel," aged 72.

All of us women were in the kitchen preparing the dinner when I noticed that Grandma Hazel was drinking a soda. In the eight years that I'd known her, I had never seen her drink one. She drank a beer now and then -- but never a soda.

When I commented to Grandma Hazel that I had never seen her drink a soda in all the years I'd known her, I was floored by her reply. She leaned over and whispered, "I know. I had to put my beer into a soda can because Dad doesn't approve of my drinking!" -- YOUNG WHIPPERSNAPPER, ARLINGTON, TEXAS

DEAR WHIPPERSNAPPER: Regardless of age, we're all children in the eyes of our parents and we seek their approval. Evidently, Dad had never approved of Hazel's drinking habits. As the old expression goes, "To get along, you need to go along."

(Everybody has a problem. What's yours? Get it off your chest by writing to Dear Abby, P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, Calif. 90069. For a personal reply, please enclose a stamped, self-addressed envelope.)

DEAR ABBY: I have just returned from the dentist and I'm upset. The assistant who was working with him today has long hair -- well below shoulder-length. It was not pulled back or confined at all, which meant that whenever she leaned over, it was hanging right above my open mouth. She pushed it back behind her ears quite often.

I may be terribly old-fashioned, but I consider this to be very unsanitary. I am a retired nurse. I was taught that even clean hair is to be considered "contaminated" and should NEVER be touched while working with a patient unless you immediately scrub your hands. Hair should be pulled back securely from the face whenever you are in a patient treatment or preparation area. I kept thinking about all the loose hairs that were being dropped on the counters, instruments and patients, and it made me sick.

Am I being too persnickety? Could you please check with your dental experts and tell me if a dental assistant wearing long hair loose is acceptable? I need some extensive treatment, and I can't bear the thought of returning to this office because I have to wonder if it is as clean as it should be. -- FUSSY OLD LADY

DEAR FUSSY: You have a legitimate complaint. Open your mouth and voice it to the dentist. Both he and his assistant should know the rules of proper hygiene. A professional look is sleek and clean -- and the hair should be worn up, tied back in a ponytail or confined in a hairnet. If the personnel in your dentist's office don't comply, find another dentist.

DEAR ABBY: Your advice to "Good Old Dad," the father whose daughters bypassed him and talked only to their mother, was exactly right. I would like to add my own experience:

I am the oldest daughter of eight children. When any of us called home and my dad answered the phone, he would barely say, "Hello, how are you?" before passing the phone to my mother. When we visited, he'd sit and watch the ballgame while we talked with Mom and filled her in on all our news. If we became too loud, he'd comment on our "yakking," just like "Good Old Dad." Although we loved him, we were never able to have a meaningful conversation with our father.

Then about 10 years ago, my mother convinced Dad -- against his better judgment -- to take a course in self-awareness. I received a phone call from him shortly after he completed the course, and we actually talked for about 10 minutes! He asked me questions, listened to my answers and spoke about himself. When I hung up the phone, tears were streaming down my face. My husband couldn't believe it was my father I had been talking to.

After that, Dad made it a point to call all of his children and ask how they were doing. He also spent a little time with us when we visited. We grew much closer and discovered we really enjoyed each other's company.

Dad passed away a few years ago, and I am so grateful to him for reaching out so we could have some time together before it was too late. Abby, please tell "Good Old Dad" that his daughters are dying to be close to him. He should call them at home or take them to lunch and build a relationship with them outside the mother-daughter loop. It may be a little awkward at first, but it will be well worth it. -- KAREN CLARK, HOLLAND, PA.

DEAR KAREN: Yours is an important message. To dads everywhere (and it is usually dads who do this): If this sounds like you, please take the time and get to know your children. You and they will be richer for the experience.

For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)