DEAR ABBY: I'm a 27-year-old, white, female college graduate. I have a sensitive problem with my father.

My father is a racist. He's filled with hatred for blacks, Jews, Asians, even Native Americans (despite the fact that his own grandfather was a Native American). Somehow, I managed to grow up to be a very different person. To me, human diversity is a wonderful thing and a cause for celebration.

My father's use of offensive terms to refer to ethnic minorities has made being seen in public with him a humiliating experience. I have asked him repeatedly to refrain from using ethnic slurs in my presence, but he refuses to acknowledge that there is anything wrong with such terms. I get nervous when we go shopping or out to eat together, because he uses these words in public. It's so embarrassing that I'm afraid to have friends into our home because of something he might say in front of them.

I know my father will probably never overcome his hateful attitudes. I love him and want him to be part of my life, but I can no longer tolerate his racism. It is not only offensive to me, I'm afraid others will assume that I share his views, since most people's values are shaped by the values of their parents. To me, there could be no accusation more painful and degrading than being assumed to be a racist.

What can I do, other than dropping out of my father's life? -- NOT GUILTY BY ASSOCIATION IN MICHIGAN

DEAR NOT GUILTY: Since your father has been told repeatedly that you find his racial slurs offensive, and he persists in embarrassing you by using them in public, you are certainly within your rights to limit the amount of time you spend with him in situations that make you vulnerable to embarrassment. You can also minimize your potential discomfort by not exposing him to your friends, or by warning them in advance to be prepared to meet a bigot. Only as a last resort should you cut him off completely.

DEAR ABBY: I hope you don't mind my response to the reader who signed herself "Happy to Be Ron's Girl." She's the young woman who enjoys meeting her boyfriend's needs through homemaking.

Abby, there is absolutely nothing wrong with that, per se. What I object to is that she thinks she's wearing the crown of true womanhood because she likes scrubbing toilets, doing laundry and ironing shirts.

I work at a local high school, teaching gender equality to the girls there. I tell them they need to get in touch with their skills and find jobs that fulfill them. Too often, girls do what society tells them they SHOULD do. In the "happy days" of the '50s, there were many unhappy and unfulfilled women staying home with the vacuum cleaner because they felt they had no other choice.

A woman's place is where she WANTS to be -- at home or on the job. That is what "contemporary feminism" is all about. -- JUNE KALLESTAD, GENDER EQUITY COORDINATOR, CLOQUET SENIOR HIGH, CLOQUET, MINN.

DEAR JUNE: That's sensible, and I'm in complete agreement. And by the way, you are right where YOU belong -- advising young women about how to build the brightest future they can for themselves. Bravo!

For Abby's favorite family recipes, send a long, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Cookbooklet No. 1, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: Two years ago, my two sons each sent a number of their best baseball cards to big-name professional players, asking for their autographs. They spent hours creating personal letters and precious, individual drawings. They enclosed self-addressed, stamped envelopes and a note asking the player to return the card if, for any reason, he was unable to sign it.

Only one athlete, Orel Hershiser, responded by autographing and returning the children's cards. Mr. Hershiser was in the midst of pitching the World Series for the Indians when the cards were mailed.

There was a time when athletes felt a certain responsibility to be role models for their young fans and were appreciative of their adoring public. Many of today's sports stars have done a 180-degree turn. One other player did return his card, although it was unsigned. However, none of the others responded at all. Surely, major league players can afford to hire someone to handle their mail!

So, to Orel Hershiser I say, "Thank you" -- for setting a good example in both your personal and professional life. You'll always hold a special place in our hearts as the one big-leaguer who cared enough to take a moment of his time to make a kid's day. -- LITTLE LEAGUE MOM, FRUITLAND PARK, FLA.

DEAR MOM: I'm pleased to pass along your message of thanks to Orel Hershiser. In a time when professional athletes regard themselves as products to be marketed, Orel Hershiser seems to regard himself as a traditional sportsman and gentleman.

There's an old saying, "Don't give away what you're selling." Perhaps in some cases it should be amended to, "Don't sell what you should be giving away."

DEAR ABBY: My husband, "Greg," and I dated five years before we married two years ago. Greg is Catholic and I am Southern Baptist. His family was aware of our religious differences from the beginning. We were completely candid that neither of us would convert from our religions, and that our children would be raised Baptist until they were old enough to decide otherwise.

On our wedding day, no one from Greg's family showed up, and I watched tears stream down my husband's face on what should have been the happiest day of his life. It has been very difficult ever since. His parents christened our child at their home without Greg's or my consent. There have been other problems -- too numerous to mention.

The last straw came three months ago. Greg's older sibling was also married in a non-Catholic church. This time, the entire family, including us, attended.

The problem with Greg's parents has caused a major strain on our marriage. We have invited them over on numerous occasions to hash out our differences, but they have never showed up. After our last attempt, they said they had nothing else to talk to us about.

Abby, I feel no love lost because of their absence, and my toddler really doesn't know them anyway. However, I am concerned about my husband's feelings. He and my child mean the world to me. I don't want my marriage to suffer. I'm worried that if this continues much longer, I'll lose my temper with the situation. Can you help us? -- LOSING MY COOL IN GEORGIA

DEAR LOSING MY COOL: For your in-laws to have baptized your baby behind your back was wrong. I find it interesting that both children of these staunch Catholic parents have married out of the faith.

If there is a parish priest in your husband's background with whom he is comfortable enough to discuss this situation, he should ask the priest to serve as a bridge to his parents. If that isn't possible, there may be other factors besides the religious differences that have led to their estrangement. Should that be the case, you and your husband must face the fact that YOU are each other's family. "Shake off the dust from your feet," and walk away before any further damage is done.

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DEAR ABBY: You urged those who wish to correspond with prisoners to be cautious. You are right, but more needs to be said: Prisoners who have regular contact with an outside party have a lower rate of repeat crimes and are less likely to return to prison. Thus, writing to or visiting a prisoner regularly is a public service as well as a charitable act.

Volunteers should work through organizations that facilitate contacts with prisoners. These organizations are experienced with the risks that can be a part of such communication. They assist with screenings, instruct visitors or correspondents to neither send money nor reveal their home addresses or phone numbers to prisoners, and provide other training.

One can have a soft heart without having a soft head. -- GRACIA FAY ELLWOOD, ALTADENA, CALIF.

DEAR GRACIA: Succinctly put. Since I printed the letter from "Concerned in Arizona," I have received a flurry of mail reflecting varying viewpoints about writing to prisoners. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: I'm a radio talk-show host. For the past three years, I have written to and visited prisoners in my listening area. It's true one must always be careful when communicating with those unknown to us, but not so careful that we ignore those who are incarcerated.

Ninety percent of prisoners will do their time and be released back into society. It's important to maintain a connection to help them reintegrate and be productive citizens.

Here in Massachusetts, almost all of the educational, vocational and spiritual programs have been cut back or completely discontinued, resulting in uneducated, unemployable and angry people being released back into society. Writing to and visiting prisoners lets them know that someone cares and believes they can change for the better. You may use my name. -- DONNA SPRAGUE, PLAINVILLE, MASS.

DEAR DONNA: As I previously indicated, because a person is in prison does not automatically mean that he or she is incapable of being rehabilitated. Although some prisoners may have ulterior motives, many benefit from the encouragement and long-distance friendships mature pen pals can offer. However, I would urge that caution be exercised. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: My daughter is in prison for a crime she did not commit. (It's a long story.) During her incarceration, she has corresponded with several inmates at other prisons. Against my wishes, she gave my name and address to one of them and he wrote to me. After quite some time, she found out what type of person he really is, and I don't want him coming to my home if he's ever paroled.

A post office box is the only way to protect your privacy, your property, and quite possibly your life. Sign this with anything but my name. -- CONCERNED MOM IN TEXAS

DEAR ABBY: I have been in prison for 10 years and have known prisoners who receive mail and those who get none. I believe if you show compassion, you'll receive compassion. (Galatians 6:7, "A man reaps what he sows.") Most prisoners aren't hard-core criminals, and we are unforgiving of those who are. That's why prison officials put pedophiles and rapists in protective custody -- away from us.

I realize that some misfortunes have occurred with prison pen pals and I don't excuse it. However, ministers who encourage their parishioners to write to and visit prisoners perform a great humanitarian service.

So, Abby, now you have heard from the other side of the wall. I'm sure I speak for a large percentage of inmates. -- REALLY CONCERNED, FLORENCE, COLO.

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)