DEAR ABBY: I have practiced law for 40 years as a trial lawyer and counselor, and have served as a mediator for more than 1,000 cases in the last seven years. In my role as a peacemaker and advocate of conflict avoidance, I have reached certain conclusions that might help your readers:

1. Learn to disagree without being disagreeable. It's all right to be assertive, but not aggressive, abusive or abrasive.

2. When someone says something with which you disagree, try not to be judgmental.

3. Maintain eye contact when greeting people, and shake their hands. (Touching is important.)

4. Be kind and courteous to everyone.

5. Remember that civility is a sign of strength, not weakness.

6. Speak softly. (People tune out loud, angry voices.)

7. Saving face is important. Give your opponent the opportunity to withdraw.

8. Your attitude is more important than your aptitude.

9. Mutual respect is the key to avoiding conflict.

10. Give the other person a chance to be heard without interrupting.

11. The shortest distance between two people is a smile. -- PETER S. CHANTILIS, ATTORNEY-MEDIATOR, DALLAS

DEAR PETER: Your suggestions are excellent. (My favorites are Nos. 7 and 11.)

DEAR ABBY: In my 32 years of living, I have spent every Christmas with my family. I am now in a serious relationship. My boyfriend and I recently decided to go skiing this Christmas during our short vacation time.

I called my mother to advise her that we wouldn't be spending Christmas Day with her and my large family, but I would love to come home for Christmas Eve.

My mother hung up on me and we haven't spoken since! She told me I was being unfair and selfish and that I should know how important the holidays are to her. I love my family, but I am an adult and should be able to make my own decisions without feeling guilty.

Isn't it time she let go? What happens one day when I have a family of my own? Is there a right or wrong? -- FEELING GUILTY IN LOS ANGELES

DEAR FEELING GUILTY: Your mother is wrong. Don't feel guilty. You are offering a fair compromise by attending the family gathering on Christmas Eve. And yes, you will want to establish holiday traditions of your own in the future. Why not begin now?

DEAR ABBY: The letter from the woman who complained about the lack of women's magazines in the auto repair waiting room prompts this letter.

I question whether the evaluation of a good auto repair shop depends on the coffee and reading material offered. Until recently, we had a shop where many mechanics took their cars to be repaired. The fellow was honest, but not the most personable man in the world. He charged fair prices and did excellent work. He didn't take advantage of people who didn't know much about mechanics, worked very long hours and died too young.

The new shop in town provides coffee, pastries, large-screen television and the latest magazines. They waltz you in, and a man in a white lab coat comes in to advise you what they'll have to do to your car. Since they jack up the prices if you look prosperous, it's best to leave your jewelry at home. -- RICHARD W. KOWALSKI, NORTHAMPTON, MASS.

DEAR RICHARD: You've made your point. However, all things being equal, many women would prefer to take their business to a woman-friendly environment.

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby's "Keepers," P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: My daughter, "Lucy," and her girlfriend, "Madelyn," are both 14. Madelyn recently met a boy on the Internet and began having regular "conversations" with him. Her parents became concerned and forbade her to continue.

I just found out that Madelyn is now writing to the boy and using our address for him to answer her, so that her parents will not know. I told Lucy this "boy" could easily be a child molester who preys on innocent young girls. At 14, they have no life experience, and Madelyn believes everything she reads in his letters. I also found out that she has given him her real name and address, her phone number and our phone number over the Internet.

I am very concerned because all of us are working parents, and our daughters, both freshmen in high school, are home alone every day after school. My husband thinks I am worrying needlessly and should mind my own business. Abby, my warning signals are flashing. Should I tell Madelyn's parents? -- GRACE IN TAMPA, FLA.

DEAR GRACE: Yes, and faster than you can say "cyberspace"! Madelyn's safety may depend on it. In all likelihood, her computer friend is a decent young man, but it would be foolish to take any chances. Explain to Madelyn why her parents must know, and give them the next letter that arrives. They can use the return address to determine who the sender actually is. After that, if any more letters addressed to her arrive at your address, turn them over to Madelyn's parents.

DEAR ABBY: I am a single mom. My two teen-age sons have never had a dad in their lives. They had only me. They don't drink, smoke or do drugs. They don't go out carousing or causing problems in the neighborhood. All this without a father. Let me tell you my parenting philosophy:

-- Give your kids respect and they'll respect you in return.

-- Share your life with your kids and they'll share theirs with you.

-- Listen to your kids and they will listen to you.

-- Provide clear guidelines and values and they will live up to your expectations.

On the other hand, if you:

-- Smoke, drink and do drugs, your kids will do the same.

-- If you get angry and scream, they will imitate you.

-- If you kick the dog, they will kick the cat.

-- If you hit your kids, they'll hit the smaller children.

-- If you disobey the law, your kids will do the same -- and possibly land in jail.

Remember, parents, your kids imitate you. It matters not whether you're single or married: If you do your best to bring up good kids, you won't be disappointed.

I thank the good Lord that he gave me the boys I have. They are blessings beyond compare. -- ALECSANDRA BIHLMAIER, FORT COLLINS, COLO.

DEAR ALECSANDRA: Your sons' greatest blessing was having a mother like you. Your philosophy is commendable. However, despite parents' best efforts, sometimes children choose the low road.

Parents should strive to raise their children with solid values, but they should not beat themselves up if their children are not the shining stars their parents wanted them to be.

Abby shares more of her favorite, easy-to-prepare recipes. To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, More Favorite Recipes, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: In response to "Happy to Be Ron's Girl" (yuck, yuck): I am dismayed that someone can call herself an old-fashioned girl yet shirk her moral responsibilities and be Ron's live-in honey instead of his wife. "Ron's Girl" has a warped definition of "true love" since they are not willing to make the commitment of marriage. Ron's got it made! He has all the benefits of lover, mommy, maid and slave without the hassle of commitment.

My husband and I are both working professionals, and we share household responsibilities. Just because I don't want to spend my life being my husband's maid doesn't mean I'm "lazy." We have an equal partnership, which my husband and I agree is the definition of "true love." Unlike "Ron's Girl," who didn't have enough courage to let you print her name, you may print mine. I stand behind my convictions. -- STACY L. VERDICK CASE, BLAINE, MINN.

DEAR STACY: Since I ran the letter from "Happy to Be Ron's Girl," I have been inundated with mail from irate readers who were morally offended at the thought of couples living together. Read on for a few samples:

DEAR ABBY: In response to "Happy to Be Ron's Girl" -- the woman who scolded contemporary women for not catering to or waiting on their men: I am a 38-year-old married career woman and the mother of two teen-agers. I possess some excellent old-fashioned morals, thanks to my parents who taught me love, respect, and a host of other decent things. Those two people would be the first ones to promote and endorse "equality" in the home.

We don't use that word, however. Rather, we stress responsibility and contribution by everyone. Our children are learning to be functioning members in the family. Our daughter mows the grass and our son does the dishes and is learning to cook. My husband will do whatever needs to be done. No matter what we do, we do it for all of us and, in the process, we have some GREAT family times or one-on-one with the kids.

I pity "Ron's Girl," who probably has never experienced the joy of coming home to clean dishes or supper prepared by a loving husband. "Many hands make light work," and we all end up with more time to do the things we enjoy. Finally, I have to wonder why he's only a live-in. I guess there's no need to buy a cow when he can get the milk for free. -- STEAMED UP IN NEBRASKA

DEAR ABBY: "Happy to Be Ron's Girl" boasted that she had good looks and brains and was happy to serve her man a good meal and show her love by doing his laundry. That's fine and dandy, and I applaud her for it. But she went on to brand women who "aspire to shirking domestic duties" as lazy.

Well, I'd like to add another thing: She's also smug and arrogant. How dare this supposedly "brainy" woman flaunt her holier-than-thou attitude and pass judgment on the rest of us who are domestically challenged! In my opinion, there are other ways of showing your love besides cooking and ironing clothes. For 12 years, I have been happily married to a loving, wonderful man who married me despite my well-known aversion to household chores and inability to follow a recipe.

To "Ron's Girl," I say: To each her own, sister. And if you're so great, how come he has not given you a wedding ring to "prove" HIS love?

Please don't use my real name. Just sign me ... INCENSED IN FLORIDA

Everybody has a problem. What's yours? Get it off your chest by writing to Dear Abby, P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, Calif. 90069. For a personal reply, please enclose a stamped, self-addressed envelope.