DEAR ABBY: My mother-in-law (I'll call her Nora) died after a long battle with cancer. After the funeral, everyone came back to the house, and it turned into the party of the year.

Five months later, my father-in-law began dating Nora's best friend, "Zelda." One month later, they were engaged. Two months later, Zelda moved in. They plan to marry in March.

My father-in-law acts like he's 18 years old. Dad and Zelda are an embarrassment in public. Since Nora passed away, Dad seems relieved that he can get on with his life.

I am very upset about this, but it is hard since we live only five miles away. Is this normal behavior? -- DAUGHTER-IN-LAW IN ILLINOIS

DEAR DAUGHTER-IN-LAW: Not everyone reacts to death in the same way. Some people are so depressed they can barely function without medical assistance. Emotions, which are very close to the surface, sometimes become confused. Laughing jags occur when one might expect tears. Some religious groups concentrate on the positive aspects, choosing to celebrate life and the fact that the deceased is no longer suffering.

It's not unusual for a grieving spouse to find solace with a close friend of the deceased, nor is it unheard of to want to live life to its fullest after witnessing the death of a loved one.

DEAR ABBY: I'm addressing my comments to "No Name, Please," the widow whose older gentleman friend is taking advantage of her, living in her house and letting her pay all the bills:

Dear No Name Please: Get that freeloading "gentleman friend" out of your home immediately, before he becomes ill or disabled. If he gets sick, or reaches the point where he needs a lot of personal care and you allow yourself to start taking care of him, you'll be turned into a slave and will probably not receive any recompense for your slavery.

He does not sound in the least like a gentleman to me. He is using you. The fact that he won't pay his share of expenses and will not sign a prenuptial contract says loud and clear that he intends to take you for everything he can get.

Perhaps if he were alone in the world, I might have some sympathy for him, but he has two sons. Whether they like it or not, it is up to them to make arrangements for their father. Do not let the sons talk you into taking care of that freeloader. Whatever they promise could be as unreliable as his promises to share the expenses.

Get him out of the house now! Then, consult with your lawyer about sending him a bill for his share of the expenses for all the time he lived in your house -- including the taxes you paid.

Last but not least, look into getting some protection for your assets by buying long-term health-care insurance. The younger you are, the cheaper the premiums will be. Look carefully at the various insurance plans that are available. Buy coverage that provides a certain amount of money that you can use for care either in your own home or in a nursing home. -- MARGARET G. SMITH, ROSEVILLE, MICH.

DEAR MARGARET: That's straight-from-the-shoulder advice, and I hope that "No Name, Please" heeds it. However, she also stated that before she met this man she was so lonely she was climbing the walls, and when he came along he filled a void in her life. Sometimes people are so lonely they will tolerate being used rather than face being alone.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: Four years ago, I met a man who fulfilled all my hopes and needs for a lifetime companion. We married a year later and have been happy in a new home and community. He's 48 and I am 40.

We've discussed starting a family. I have no children, but he has a 24-year-old son. We are both in excellent health and have discussed it with my ob-gyn, who sees us as capable of having a normal child. We are financially sound and would make loving parents.

My dilemma lies with the negative comments we are getting from our families. My mother says we'd be selfish to have children at such an advanced age. His mother says there would be only heartache for our children because we will be "elderly" by the time they reach 20.

My husband says the decision is ours, and we should be influenced only by what's in our hearts -- not what others say.

I have read about older couples who started families and had no regrets. I would like to hear from the children of older couples, children who were in high school when their parents were 60 and 70 years old. Do the children have any regrets? I don't want our children to feel cheated because we are older, or because we might not be able to do things with them that younger parents could do. If you would print this, it would help us make our decision to have a family or remain childless. -- TO BE OR NOT TO BE PARENTS IN TEXAS

DEAR "TO BE OR NOT TO BE": You have posed an interesting question, which can best be answered by children who have grown up in families with older parents. It's something that's becoming more commonplace with advances in the field of infertility medicine.

Although I'd be surprised if many of the offspring of older parents would bite the hands of the parents who birthed them, I'd be very interested in what they have to say. Readers?

DEAR ABBY: Marilyn Bozeman's letter regarding adopted children was so far off base it's almost laughable. I agree that labels are cruel, but adoptees don't search for their "real" parents because society has labeled them adoptees, or because their adoptive parents didn't raise them well or love them enough.

We search to find a genetic connection from our roots to the rest of the universe. Adoptive parents should educate themselves about the emotional impact adoption has on their child and be prepared to deal with those issues when they arise. Many excellent books are available, written by adoptees, birth mothers and adoptive parents.

Attitudes about adoption and the laws surrounding it have changed considerably from the '50s and '60s, but much more is needed. Human beings are the only species on Earth that willingly give away their offspring. It is a barbaric practice, equally as evil as abortion.

The bottom line: Men should do a better job of guarding their sperm because conception should never be an accident. -- STILL WOUNDED BY ADOPTION

DEAR WOUNDED: Although conception should never be an accident, it often is.

However, I cannot agree with your statement that adoption is a barbaric practice. I see adoption as an ideal solution to an urgent problem in which all of the involved individuals have an equal need for one another.

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I laughed out loud when I saw your column featuring famous sayings with original endings provided by a fourth-grade class in Ventura County, Calif.

At our computer Web site, the Geezer Brigade for "seniors with an attitude," a competition was held to see if Geezers couldn't outdo the little whippersnappers. Here are the results:

APHORISMS FOR THE '90s FROM THE GEEZER BRIGADE

-- All that glitters is not ... necessarily something you want your only daughter sticking through a hole in her nose.

-- The early bird catches ... hell from the union.

-- A penny saved is ... something you could've invested in the biggest bull market in history, if only you hadn't listened to your idiot brother-in-law.

-- The road to hell is ... paved.

-- If you can't stand the heat ... hire an assistant.

-- The squeaky wheel ... got to be lead singer in my son's rock group.

-- It's always darkest just before ... you try to find your seat in a movie theater.

-- To err is ... not permitted by the IRS, and to forgive is unheard of!

-- JOHN KERNELL, CHARLESTON, S.C.

DEAR JOHN: If some people are curious about what seniors are doing with computers these days, your letter should put their curiosity to rest.

DEAR ABBY: The letter from "Picture Perfect," whose married sister didn't want "Picture's" fiance in their family portrait, made me chuckle. By agreeing with the sister, you implied that tying the knot was a guarantee of permanent family status. A son-in-law can end up "out of the picture" just as easily as a fiance can.

Several years ago, we had a family portrait taken that included our parents, my husband and myself, my two married sisters and their husbands and children, and my unmarried sister. Well, all three of the sons-in-law have since become "exes."

There have been ongoing family jokes about the usefulness of those little "sticky notes" as cover-ups, making miniature brown paper sacks to paste over obsolete heads, or covering the face of each ex with his replacement.

Fortunately, when we sat for the portrait, we also had shots taken of my parents by themselves, and "just us girls" with our parents. Although most of us now display the abbreviated portrait, I keep the one with the exes tucked away in a family album. All three were good men and are a part of our family history, even if not a part of its future. -- PICTURE THIS IN HANFORD, CALIF.

DEAR PICTURE THIS: I think I've got the picture. It's dizzying to think that the only way to have a family portrait is to include blood relatives only. However, many readers wrote suggesting that this family have two portraits made -- one with the fiance, and one without.

DEAR ABBY: You asked your readers how they would define "elderly." My 4-year-old daughter came to me one day with a question about our neighbor, Fern. "Mom," Katy asked, "is Fern old?"

"Yes," I replied, "Fern is old."

"No, Mom, I mean really old."

Knowing that Fern is 87, I answered "Yes."

"Gosh!" Katy said, her eyes shining. "Is she 30?"

So, Abby, I thought you'd like to know that in my daughter's eyes, "elderly" is synonymous with 30. -- KIM YOSHIHARA, PORTLAND, ORE.

DEAR KIM: Katy is not alone. I remember the '60s, when teen-agers and college students used to say, "Don't trust anyone over 30."

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