DEAR ABBY: I just read your answer to the director of a nursing home in Oklahoma who wrote about a woman whose mother had died in a nursing home. Rather than place flowers on her mother's grave, the daughter took them to a nearby nursing home and left them with a friendly note for a resident who had never had a visitor.

That certainly struck home with me. I've seen the same act of kindness many times, and can't tell you how much these small gestures mean to lonely elders who have outlived family and friends. The average age of nursing home residents is 85. It affirms their worthiness and restores an important connection to the larger community.

But I would also like to plead, in this case, that the woman actually meet the resident and give her the flowers in person. She needn't say much -- just a quick hello, a brief introduction, a warm handclasp would do. Human touch is healing. It's encouraging. It's life-affirming.

I don't mean to belittle her anonymous act. That's a wonderful step, and if that's all she's able to do she has done more than most people would. I would just encourage her to take the next step. It would make all the difference in the world to that nursing home resident, who would be forever grateful. She might even make a great new friend -- someone, perhaps, like her mother. -- BRENT H. NETTLE, EXECUTIVE DIRECTOR, SAN FRANCISCO MINISTRY TO NURSING HOMES

DEAR MR. NETTLE: Thank you for your sweet letter. I, too, thought the idea of providing flowers to a nursing home resident on Mother's Day was touching and generous. But not all my readers would agree with the wisdom of revealing the residents' identities. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: In response to "Anonymous in Oklahoma," who suggested that readers send flowers or gifts to those at nursing facilities rather than leaving flowers at a grave:

While this gesture would surely be appreciated, I would question the judgment of any nursing facility that would reveal the name of a patient, especially a patient without a family, i.e., heirs. While I believe that the woman who contacted "Anonymous in Oklahoma" was honest, not everyone is. A nursing home should, under no circumstances, disclose the names of its residents.

This reader obviously had her heart in the right place. However, in light of the often dishonest world we live in, where most scams target the elderly, it's much safer to suggest that readers send flowers to the nursing home and ask that they be delivered at the facility's discretion to a resident in need.

I have family members in nursing homes across the country and am unable to visit them as often as I would like, although they are always in my thoughts and prayers. I would be horrified to discover that a nursing home staff member had given the name of one of my relatives to a stranger.

While we should all perpetuate random acts of kindness, it is also important for caregivers and care facilities to respect and protect the privacy of their patients. -- CAREGIVER IN LA CANADA, CALIF.

Abby shares more of her favorite, easy-to-prepare recipes. To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, More Favorite Recipes, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: "Jack" and I were recently married and are now expecting our first child. Unfortunately, what should be a joyous time for us has turned into a battle of wills.

The day we found out I was pregnant, Jack told me if our child is a boy, he wants to name the baby after both his grandfathers, only one of whom is still living. I told him then I didn't care for either name and suggested we compromise by using one as a middle name, and then selecting a first name that we both like.

We learned last week that we are, indeed, going to have a boy. Jack refuses to discuss any other names. He said he has decided "not to be flexible on the subject" and doesn't care if it is fair or if I like it.

His attitude is killing all the joyful anticipation I should be feeling over the birth of our son. He has made it clear that "honoring" his grandfather is more important to him than considering the wishes of his wife -- the mother of his child.

I've tried telling him how I feel about naming the baby, and that I won't sign the birth certificate unless our son has a name we both agree on. He says he doesn't care; he'll sign it without me.

Shouldn't I have a say in choosing the name my firstborn will carry for the rest of his life? I can't get my husband to listen to me on the subject. What should I do? -- SAD MOM-TO-BE, WHITTIER, CALIF.

DEAR SAD MOM-TO-BE: It is unfortunate that naming the baby has become a battle of wills. However, there may still be some room for compromise.

Consider agreeing to name the boy after his paternal great-grandfathers, then promptly give the child a nickname. Or, tell your husband that if he names the first child, it's your right to name the second -- and put the agreement in writing.

DEAR ABBY: I read your column daily, and you offer good advice. Keep up the good work.

I'm writing to offer a suggestion to kids who have spare time this summer. I'm 12 years old and volunteer at my mother's job. She works in a nursing home. I walk with patients, talk to them, run errands and help with activities, plus a lot of other things. You can learn a lot, and bring patients joy and a smile to their faces.

Volunteering teaches you responsibility and earns you friends. I'd definitely recommend working at a nursing home or volunteering at other places -- such as animal shelters, businesses, farms, hospitals, or just work at people's homes for free.

It may sound boring to some people, but it's worth the time. I've made many friends and have had lots of fun doing it. -- REBECCA L. MAHAN, KEWASKUM, WIS.

DEAR REBECCA: Giving of one's time is the most precious gift a person can bestow. I know from personal experience how rewarding volunteer work can be. You are a mature and generous young lady who has learned a valuable lesson at a young age. Bless you for spreading the word.

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I had to laugh at the letter from "Happily Surprised in Minnesota," concerning her visit to a nudist club, but she didn't explain the "non-reaction" of the members. Imagine a nudist club and male and female supermodels parading around, enticing all. That was my husband's fantasy, so I let myself be talked into a visit.

My first sight, as we drove down to the club's office, was a man at least 80 years of age jogging down a trail stark naked, except for his running shoes. It was so unexpected that I burst into fits of hysterical laughter. Much to my husband's displeasure, the giggles continued while we were in the office registering. I was informed that if I felt uncomfortable, I could wear a bathing suit the first day.

So we went to sit at the pool in our bathing suits. There we discovered that a nudist club is real life, not fantasy. It's made up of appendix and gall bladder scars, stretch marks, beer bellies and everything from grossly underweight to grossly overweight. We discovered that sitting clothed while a hundred others are nude brings out the same feelings you'd have wearing jeans and a T-shirt to a formal, black-tie affair. You realize you stand out like a sore thumb and become very uncomfortable. Within a few hours, we removed our suits.

Not once during the entire weekend did I see any reaction to the nudity of others. No one seemed interested in the bodies of others at all, which is the "non-reaction" your reader mentioned. You begin to realize nude is just that -- nude. Nothing is left to the imagination at all. And without imagination, there's no interest in even looking. I understood this, but my husband seemed terribly disappointed.

A word of caution, however. Areas of the body that have never seen sunshine must be heavily protected with sunscreen. I couldn't wear a bra for a week because of the sunburn. My macho husband was in agony for two weeks because he was too "tough" to heed my suggestion about using sun lotion on his buttocks and frontal area. He never mentioned visiting a nudist club again. -- STILL LAUGHING IN FLORIDA

DEAR LAUGHING: Your letter proves that after sunscreen, the second most essential item to take to a nudist colony is a sense of humor.

My dermatologist friends tell me that "Old Sol" is the enemy of a lasting beautiful complexion, and it's unwise to venture out without a sunscreen that has less than an SPF 15 rating. My sun-worshipping readers may want to "bare" that in mind.

DEAR ABBY: I've been seeing "Fred" for five years and have been in love with him for four. Recently, I left my husband, then Fred and I moved in together.

Everything is perfect except for one flaw. Fred got a girl pregnant. He told me he didn't love her and wanted her to get an abortion, but she thought that he would marry her for the sake of the baby. He claims he told her up front that he didn't love her, but she had the baby anyway. They named him "Sammy."

We have Sammy two days a week. I don't want the child around, but I'm afraid if I tell Fred how I feel, he will leave me. He seems fond of the boy even though he didn't want him in the beginning.

Abby, it's getting harder and harder for me to be civil to this child. I wish Fred would give up his custody rights and just visit his son once in a while.

Fred and I truly love each other, but it is impossible for me to accept Sammy, and I hate it that Fred sees his son's mother when necessary.

Abby, how can I get Fred to give Sammy up? -- UNHAPPY IN UTICA, N.Y.

DEAR UNHAPPY: Fred is trying to be a responsible and loving father regardless of the circumstances of his son's birth -- which is commendable.

It is unfair to both of them for you to attempt to break up this father/son relationship because of your insecurity. And should you succeed, Fred is sure to resent it.

As I see it, you have two choices: Accept the boy and secure Fred's love, or nourish your resentment and risk losing him. If you choose the first option, I urge you to see a counselor and learn to subdue your jealousy and accept little Sammy. Good luck.

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)