DEAR ABBY: I have been married for 27 years. Two years ago, my husband was laid off from his job after 31 years. I had always saved our money, and lived with an eye toward the future. We had taken out loans occasionally at my husband's credit union. Each time he got a raise, I'd put some of it away for that "rainy day."

One Saturday when the mail arrived, there was a letter in it from the credit union saying my husband was two payments behind on a loan. When he returned from playing golf, I told him I'd seen the dun and it was a mistake; it had to be his brother's. (His brother also worked for the same company.) I said if that's the way they did business, I'd meet him on Monday and we'd withdraw all our money and put it into another bank.

The following Monday, on my way to work, we met at the place the company had set up for outplaced employees. My husband seemed nervous and said we needed to talk. He then informed me that the $75,000 to $80,000 that was supposed to be in the account was gone. He had spent the money. I had been able to deal with his losing his job and my going to work full time, but this was too much. I exploded.

I asked him what he'd done with the money. He said he spent it on the family. Well, Abby, I know what kind of lifestyle we have lived, and we have nothing to show for that amount of money.

We went to counseling. I thought I was losing my mind. I loved this man, had his two children, and have never been with anyone else. The counselor told me I was not crazy. But when I'd talk with my husband, he made me feel like an idiot. The counselor told him that all I wanted to know was what he had done with the money. My husband insisted he didn't know what he had spent the money on.

Things went from bad to worse. Then I found girlie magazines in the back of our closet. I could only imagine the kinds of things he had been up to through the years.

We are now separated. When I see him, he swears that he has changed. But he still hasn't taken any responsibility for his dishonesty.

Abby, will I ever be able to trust him again? I thought I knew him. He says he doesn't need help. Can you advise me? -- NEEDING PEACE IN WASHINGTON

DEAR NEEDING PEACE: Should you trust him again? Why should you? He is clearly a liar. He knows how he spent the money.

Although he swears he has changed, leopards don't usually change their spots, especially those who don't cooperate in counseling. It's time to look out for yourself and do what's best for YOU.

DEAR ABBY: I need some advice. I am a cat lover and own three declawed and lovable cats. I have a neighbor who periodically visits me and panics when the cats walk by her. She keeps asking me to remove them from the room. I have tried reassuring her that they will not harm her, but she still overreacts.

Should I confine them in a separate room, or should I graciously tell her that this is my home, and my cats' home, and they are free to roam as they please? -- CATFUSED IN CANADA

DEAR CATFUSED: The cats may be lovable to you, but not everyone is a cat lover. Also, many people are allergic to animal fur.

When your neighbor visits, keep the cats in a separate room with food and water. She will appreciate it.

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby's "Keepers," P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: Bingo players, beware! What does your husband or wife do while you are playing bingo five nights a week?

My friend told me she saw my husband, who is 71, get into a car with a "hussy" who is about 50. I decided to see if there was any truth to her story, so after my husband and I had dinner one night, I had him drop me off at the bingo parlor. He said he was going home, so I said I would ride home with a friend.

I had hired a detective who waited in a parking lot nearby and we followed my husband. Soon he parked his car and got into hers. What we saw made me ill, but I have never confronted him with my knowledge. Our religion frowns on divorce, so I just pray the old goat wakes up before he kills himself. He has broken my heart and if I were younger, he would be following me in the dust.

Do you think I did the right thing to quit bingo? -- B-9 in TENNESSEE

DEAR B-9: Only if giving up your game forced your husband to give up the game HE was playing.

DEAR ABBY: I agree with "Sally B." who finds exposed bra straps absolutely disgusting and tacky.

I wonder why women dress this way, especially in this day and age when you can walk into virtually any department store (even discount stores) and find bras of all shapes, styles and colors designed to function invisibly under almost any type of garment on the market. Many bras have convertible straps so they can be worn X-back, halter-style, one strap or strapless. They make bustiers to be worn under backless dresses, and when all else fails, they have ones like giant lace Band-Aids so one doesn't "jiggle." So the only excuse for exposed bras straps is plain laziness.

I'd like to add my pet peeve: white bras showing plainly through thin blouses. Don't these women know flesh tones exist? I hate seeing professional women who wear beautiful white blouses ruining the effect because their undergarments show through. Do they really want people looking at their bras all day? -- D.B. IN COLUMBUS, OHIO

DEAR D.B.: I was caught off guard by the number of people who responded to that letter -- there have been hundreds. Most of the writers agree with you and "Sally B.," but a few wrote to tell me they think exposed bra straps are sexy. Go figure. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: I'm in complete agreement with "Sally B.'s" disgust with exposed bra straps. Many women do this consciously, especially teen-age girls. For some reason, they think it is sexy or attractive for everyone to know what color or how lacy their bras are. It disgusts me. Not only is it incredibly tacky, it shows complete disregard for the fact that underwear is supposed to stay under the clothing. To top it off, the women who expose their most intimate apparel act as if they didn't know there was a solution.

I worked in lingerie for about a year, and I happen to know there are bras especially made for those revealing tops. There is absolutely no need to walk around displaying your undergarments. All it takes is one quick trip to a department or specialty store to correct this embarrassing problem. Ask the salesclerk for a convertible bra -- she'll be happy to help.

Is it just me, Abby, or are panty lines equally disgusting? -- REPULSED 19-YEAR-OLD IN SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA

DEAR REPULSED: I suspect that teen-agers do it out of ignorance of the fact that there's a solution to the problem, or because they are imitating Madonna -- who originated the underwear-as-outerwear fad. Or, perhaps, they're so proud of the fact that they finally need to wear a bra they can't resist drawing attention to it.

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DEAR ABBY: I have been married for three years and love my husband dearly; however, I'm very close to leaving him. Why? Because I feel invisible. I'm a good wife and do everything within my power to make him happy, but when he comes home from work, he greets me with a "hi" -- then he greets our three dogs with petting and words of love. This infuriates me! It's so painful I have to leave the room.

As of three months ago, my husband decided he sleeps better without me, so we've been sleeping apart. I know he works hard at his job, and it's important for him to get a good night's sleep, but that's no excuse for his behavior toward me. Our sex life has practically come to a halt. I expressed my feelings to him, only to be ignored. When I get affectionate with him, he pushes me away saying, "Not now, honey, I'm too tired."

Abby, I don't claim to be the perfect wife, but the house is always immaculate and the laundry is never piled up. I make hot meals daily and our pets are well-groomed and cared for. I am not drop-dead gorgeous, but I get my share of looks and remarks. I will not seek what I need from other men, but I won't spend the rest of my life in a marriage that consists of domestic duties and nothing more.

My husband never misses your column. Hopefully, he'll see my letter, realize how hurt I am, and change his ways. Sign me ... DESPERATE FOR ADVICE IN NEW JERSEY

DEAR DESPERATE: For the sake of your marriage, it is imperative that you find out exactly what happened three months ago that changed the dynamics of your relationship with your husband. He is behaving like a selfish, insensitive clod. Before you walk out, tell him how you feel and offer him the option of marriage counseling.

DEAR ABBY: Law enforcement officers and their actions have been and always will be targets for criticism, skepticism and controversy. Two of the most newsworthy topics involving law officers are the use of physical force and deadly force on criminals. It is easy for the general public or the media to second-guess what was right or wrong. They have hours or days to do it -- while an officer has only seconds. The stakes are high on the street. Hesitation or a wrong decision may very well cost an officer his/her life. This brings me to a recent letter you published:

"Wayne in Santa Rosa, Calif." said he thinks cops should carry tranquilizer guns instead of firearms. Well, Wayne, in our "Wild Kingdom," the animals -- a.k.a. car-jackers, armed robbers and drug dealers -- carry guns. REAL guns. And they do not hesitate to use them on innocent people, as well as on cops. The animals you see on "Wild Kingdom" are potentially dangerous because they are instinctively trying to protect their lives or the lives of their offspring. The "animals" we deal with are predators -- preying on innocent, honest citizens, and they are dangerous because they choose to be.

Abby, it's obvious that Wayne is ignorant of how violent these people can be, and how quickly a situation can turn on an officer in any given situation. I can only suggest that he get a job in law enforcement, because I'm sure his outlook on tranquilizer guns would change.

Law enforcement can always use good advice on how to improve. Most of us and our bosses welcome good advice. But tranquilizer guns? I'm 30 years old, have been a cop for eight years, and I thought I'd heard it all. -- CPL. DONALD PALLISER, ST. TAMMANY PARISH SHERIFF'S OFFICE, COVINGTON, LA.

DEAR CPL. PALLISER: Be patient. By the time you're ready to hang up your firearm, you'll have heard more.

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