DEAR ABBY: I am writing you with the hope that people will read this and think about it. I lost my beautiful daughter and her fiance to a drunk driver. She was only 20, and her fiance was 23. The driver had three DUIs and the passenger had five. These two individuals, neither of whom had driver's licenses, left the scene of the accident. They did not help or even go for help, but just ran.

My daughter's wedding would have been in seven months. Most of the plans were complete. I miss my daughter so much. She was my only child. Her fiance was wonderful -- smart and such a kind person. This should never have happened. Our courts need to be tougher.

We chose to bury my daughter and her fiance side by side. On their headstone, we have a picture of the two of them hugging each other with their engagement date beneath the picture and the words, "Together Forever." It is a tribute to their memory. We have placed items on their grave many times.

Abby, I cannot understand why people have taken the items we left. I am shocked that people could be so cold and heartless that they'd take things off a grave. I know my baby is gone, but her body was placed there. I visit and take gifts out of love and respect for their memory. She was my life, my joy, my child. For someone to come and steal from her grave hurts beyond words. -- SAD IN SOUTH CAROLINA

DEAR SAD: Please accept my sympathy on the loss of your beloved only child.

Cemetery policies vary from place to place. Most cemeteries will allow items to remain on a gravesite only for a limited period, after which they are removed by personnel so the grounds can be properly maintained. Discuss your concerns with the cemetery's management to see if they have removed the items you left, or whether there may be a problem with theft. If items are being stolen, the management should be alerted so that security procedures can be put in place.

DEAR ABBY: I'm writing in response to the mother of the 17-year-old who was dating a guy Mom felt was bad news. Your answer, that the daughter may have to learn for herself, was exactly right, Abby.

When I was 16, I started dating a guy my parents felt was bad for me. They told me one time how they felt about him, then let me make my own decisions and come to my own conclusions. It took me four years to realize what my parents had known from the start, but it was a learning experience I wouldn't trade for anything.

I know it was difficult for my parents to keep their comments about him to themselves and not interfere, but I thank them for doing so. That relationship made me who I am today. It made me understand my strengths and weaknesses, what I wanted in life and what I didn't.

I am now 25 years old and married to a man who is everything I ever wanted and everything my bad-news boyfriend wasn't. -- HAPPILY EVER AFTER

DEAR HAPPILY EVER AFTER: It is never easy to watch a child stumble or make mistakes, but the lessons learned from personal experience are the ones most clearly remembered, as your letter attests.

Author E.M. Forster said it well: "Spoon-feeding in the long run teaches us nothing but the shape of the spoon."

DEAR ABBY: I took my dog fishing with me to a lake in the mountains near here. He's well behaved and I had him on a leash, but he was attracted to some discarded, balled-up fishing line with bait on it. He gulped it down. I didn't see this, so when I turned around I had a dog with fishing line leading into his mouth and down his throat.

This involved a rush trip down the mountain to the emergency vet clinic, hours of anguish and lots of money.

The vet told me he sees about one dog a week who has swallowed a fishing line with a fish hook. Dog owners: BEWARE. And fishermen: Never drop a discarded line with a hook. It could be your own dog you catch! -- KEITH JACKSON, DENVER

DEAR KEITH: What a harrowing experience! Fishermen should remember they are sportsmen. And good sportsmen respect the environment and never leave litter behind. To leave items lying around that could be dangerous to pets, children or wildlife is unconscionable.

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: "Roger" and I have been married more than 40 years. I feel we have a good marriage.

We have recently retired and moved to the city where Roger grew up. There's a lady here I'll call "Mitzi." Roger dated Mitzi all through high school and was engaged to her for at least three years after that. From what I can put together, they had a very intimate relationship. Mitzi sent Roger a "Dear John" letter while he was in the military, which I assumed he probably deserved. (I was in no way involved.) Mitzi has been married to the same man for more than 40 years.

Over the past four decades, we have attended the same social functions about six times. Each time, she and Roger always seem to visit at least 15 or 20 minutes, and while he's talking to her he completely ignores me. In fact, he turns his back on me as though he's ashamed of me. Do you think there is any unfinished business between them?

I would like to give him a surprise birthday party. Because of the people I will be inviting, it will be necessary to also invite Mitzi and her husband. My question: If there's still some kind of spark, would I be asking for trouble? -- CONCERNED IN FLORIDA

DEAR CONCERNED: If there were still a spark, the fire would have flared up before now. The odds are against Mitzi's stirring up the embers of an old flame she doused 40 years ago.

DEAR ABBY: I hope you can settle an argument my wife and I are having. We recently went away for a long weekend. While we were away, we let my wife's sister and brother-in-law use our house because they were visiting our city that same weekend.

I like my in-laws very much and had no problem with their staying in our home. However, before we left, I locked my desk, which contains personal and financial papers.

My wife says this was a personal insult to her and her family because my actions implied that I thought they might snoop or they couldn't be trusted alone in our house. I say I have the right to lock up personal papers without owing anyone an explanation. In any event, the only way my in-laws would have discovered that the desk was locked was if they tried to open it, which they shouldn't have.

Your thoughts, please. -- SECRETS IN SAN ANTONIO

DEAR SECRETS: I see nothing wrong with locking up personal items or papers if you are having houseguests. A host has the right to keep certain things private, and a desire for privacy should not be interpreted as a lack of trust or an insult. You were generous to have shared your home. You should not be required to share personal and financial information as well.

DEAR ABBY: My last suitor was upset when I told him I didn't want to continue our relationship because he was a lousy lover. He said, "What do you mean I'm a lousy lover? How can you tell in just two minutes?"

If women would stop faking orgasms, Abby, maybe men would begin to get a clue that lovemaking is a partnership activity. -- BEV IN SAN FRANCISCO

DEAR BEV: I agree. And candor is essential for that partnership to be successful.

DEAR ABBY: I think people should be reminded that:

"He who comes forth with a fifth on the Fourth

"May not come forth on the Fifth!"

-- L.A. CRAWFORD, LAKE HAVASU CITY, ARIZ.

DEAR L.A. CRAWFORD: Thanks for the timely reminder. Your verse is a "first."

CONFIDENTIAL TO MY WOMB-MATE: HAPPY BIRTHDAY, SISSY!

Abby shares more of her favorite, easy-to-prepare recipes. To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, More Favorite Recipes, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: You printed a query from a Baptist regarding the secrecy of the Catholic confessional. The writer asked whether a priest would disclose the confession of a murder if disclosure would save the life of a wrongly convicted person who is to be executed for a crime he did not commit.

The response from Cardinal Roger Mahoney of Los Angeles stated that the priest could refuse absolution to the real murderer if he refused to turn himself in to the police, but under no circumstances could the priest break the secrecy seal of the confessional, even to save the life of the innocent person who is about to be executed.

As an ethics teacher in a Catholic college, I find this answer unsatisfactory. When I discuss such dilemmas with students, I encourage them to find a solution that will respect the moral demands of both horns of the dilemma. In this case, the priest should try to save the life of the innocent convict while also respecting the confidentiality of his penitent.

For example, the priest could document the details provided by the real murderer and take the statement to appropriate authorities, while keeping the identity of the murderer anonymous. Although the priest's evidence is hearsay and may not be admissible in a trial court, his willingness to swear that he has heard the confession of the murderer and is convinced it is authentic should at least lead authorities to reconsider the planned execution.

Cardinal Mahoney's argument for absolute secrecy on grounds that penitents could stop using the sacrament if they were not guaranteed secrecy is parallel to arguments made by psychiatrists in the Tarasoff case, where a patient had told his psychiatrist he planned to kill his girlfriend and then carried out the threat. On appeal, the California Supreme Court rejected the psychiatrist's argument supporting absolute confidentiality, saying that a psychiatrist had a duty to warn or protect an identifiable potential victim, and enunciated the principle now universally accepted by psychiatrists, therapists and social workers.

Confidentiality is limited by the right of others not to be harmed, and is most strongly limited by the right to life held by innocent persons. -- CAROL A TAUER, ST. PAUL, MINN.

DEAR MS. TAUER: When I printed the question, and then Cardinal Mahoney's response, I had no idea it would generate such a flood of angry letters. Some were from Catholics accusing me of having printed an "anti-Catholic, trick question." However, most were from readers who vigorously disagreed with the church's position on allowing an innocent person to die for a crime he did not commit.

Since I am not of the Catholic faith, I hesitate to criticize church doctrine. However, I think your letter is an important one, and your argument has merit.

DEAR ABBY: I just finished reading about another senseless crime. A high school student fatally gunned down his high school principal and one of his "tormentors." The most troubling part of the tragedy is that the killer's friends knew that he had frequently made death threats. However, they didn't think he would carry it through because it was "just, you know, teen talk."

Anyone who considers this kind of conversation "just talk" is making a terrible mistake by not confiding in someone who can help. I am out of high school only 16 years, but no one in our school ever spoke that way. Is violence the only way people believe they can solve their problems? -- SCARED MOTHER OF TWO

DEAR SCARED MOTHER: Don't be too hard on teen-agers who may not have realized the seriousness of such a threat. However, let me go on record: Death threats and threats of suicide are both serious, and should be reported to a responsible adult. They are indications of serious underlying problems for which professional intervention is essential.

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)