DEAR ABBY: We are 83 and 86, and engaged to be married. This is my problem: I haven't had a "real" kiss for some time.

My fiancee, Emma, had a sore throat several months ago, so she stopped kissing me on the lips. Recently she told me she had seen on television that there was an outbreak of the "kissing disease." Now she has become completely paranoid about it.

Emma says she loves me and is always very attentive when we're together. However, when I try to kiss her, I have to settle for a kiss on the cheek.

Am I being unreasonable to want a kiss on the lips? -- TIRED OF TURNING THE OTHER CHEEK

DEAR TIRED: In view of the fact that you and Emma are engaged to be married, you are not being unreasonable in wanting to be kissed in a romantic fashion.

Ask Emma to be frank with you. She may be reluctant to tell you that you have a halitosis problem. If that's not it, schedule a visit with a physician who can explain to Emma how the "kissing disease" (infectious mononucleosis) is transmitted, and screen you for it. If neither of you has it, you won't get it from each other -- and she can kiss you till the cows come home with perfect peace of mind.

DEAR ABBY: You published a poem years ago that I clipped and enjoyed very much. It was a poem that compared the behavior of man and the apes, and was quite humorous. I think the title was "The Monkey's Disgrace." Would you put it in your column again, please? -- CHESAPEAKE, VA.

DEAR CHESAPEAKE: With pleasure. That poem last appeared in my column in 1987. It's one of my favorites.

THE MONKEY'S DISGRACE

Three monkeys sat in a coconut tree

Discussing things as they are said to be

Said one to the others, "Now listen, you two,

"There's a rumor around that can't be true

"That man descended from our noble race

"The very idea is a great disgrace.

"No monkey has ever deserted his wife

"Starved her babies and ruined her life

"And you've never known a mother monk

"To leave her babies with others to bunk

"Or pass from one on to another

"Till they scarcely knew who is their mother.

"Here's another thing a monkey won't do

"Go out at night and get on a stew

"Or use a gun or club or knife

"To take some other monkey's life

"Yes, man descended, the ornery cuss

"But, brother, he didn't descend from us."

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby's "Keepers," P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I work for a telephone research firm. I haven't been working for this company for very long, but I have already found that most people have terrible phone etiquette.

We are taught to be polite to everyone we talk to, yet we no sooner utter the phrase, "Hello, my name is ... I work for a research firm," when the phone is hung up in our ears, without a word being said. All they have to do is tell us they aren't interested, and we would tell them to have a nice evening. We don't force anyone to talk to us.

Also, because the computer picks the phone numbers, we don't know who we're calling. We call a lot of businesses, but the majority of them don't answer the phones correctly. They say "Hello," with no indication that it is a business. Then they get upset when we say we work for a research firm -- as though we've imposed upon them. If they would answer their phone with the name of their business, we would apologize and tell them we've reached the wrong number.

Some people treat us like we're lowlifes to be doing this, but companies pay our firm to do these surveys. For us, it's a job! We have senior citizens, students and wives working for extra money to help with the bills and to buy a few groceries. What's so wrong with that? We were taught by our elders to be polite to everyone, but it seems as though they live by a double standard. -- M.B. IN BELLE PLAINE, IOWA

DEAR M.B.: There is no excuse for rudeness, but many people find it highly inconvenient to get a telephone call when they are feeding the baby, putting groceries away, hurrying to pick up the children at school, etc., and they resent being interrupted by someone who is taking a survey or selling something.

People have telephones in their homes for their own convenience, not for the convenience of the research and marketing firms.

DEAR ABBY: I have been married for 44 years and thought I knew my husband well.

Twice recently I returned home earlier than he expected, and I found him watching pornographic movies! He is 73 years old with a problem due to prostate surgery. Abby, this has bothered me so much I am almost in a daze since this happened.

I consider myself a fun-loving, broad-minded person, but this is so contrary to my nature, I cannot accept it.

Who has the problem? Him or me?

I have not been able to discuss this with him yet. I await your advice. -- A PERPLEXED READER

DEAR PERPLEXED: As I see it, the problem lies in your inability to accept the fact that your husband enjoys watching pornographic movies. (Many people do.) You should make an attempt to discuss it with him. However, do not make an issue of it.

Because of your husband's prostate surgery, he may require visual stimulation to become aroused. He should talk to his doctor for further reassurance and medical help if it's indicated. He may be unaware that most cases of impotence can be treated.

For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: My folks recently went on an extended "road trip" vacation. Whenever they've gone away before, they have stayed in the same hotel and we have had their telephone number.

This trip was different. They were going to take their time and stop where and when they wanted to. They were good about sending postcards, but not about calling and checking in with us. We never would have given this a second thought, except that my grandmother died while they were away and we had no way of informing them. They didn't find out about her passing until after the funeral.

Everyone felt terrible about this, especially my folks.

If this letter can help to open a few of your readers' eyes and spare them this heartache, it was worth writing. I know I will be calling home every few days when I'm vacationing from now on, because you never know what can happen. -- ST. PAUL, MINN.

DEAR ST. PAUL: The idea of taking off with no destination in mind might appeal to many. However, your letter highlights just one of the sobering realities that should be considered before deciding to do so.

The best policy is to leave a detailed itinerary with friends or family, or to make a point of checking in regularly. Your parents' experience was most unfortunate.

DEAR ABBY: You told "Amber in Sacramento" to ask the mother what she named her baby in order to find out whether the infant was a boy or a girl. I am a pediatrician, and believe me, you cannot always tell by the name.

I remember with amused embarrassment the first time an infant named Jamie was brought to my office. At that time, Jamie was a common name for a boy. I referred to the baby as "he," and Mom quickly corrected me with, "She's a girl." Thank goodness Mom didn't hold my error against me. I have remained friends with the parents of this girl over the years.

Current patients include girls named Tyler, Taylor and Cameron, two boys named Lynn, and two patients named Robin -- one girl, one boy. If I'm told the name is "Alex," I still have to find out if it's Alexander, Alexandra or Alexis. And when Mom says her baby's name is "Tony" (Tony and Toni sound the same), I don't immediately know if my patient is a female or a male.

Other names of my patients: Chadijha, Stormei, Scout, Travion, Chaymin and Taynaisha. Do you know which of these are girls and which are boys?

Abby, do you by chance remember the Johnny Cash song, "A Boy Named Sue"? While your advice would work in some cases, it's safer to ask the mother, "Is your adorable child a boy or a girl?" -- LEE BERNSTEIN, M.D., LAS VEGAS

DEAR DR. BERNSTEIN: You're right. The name is not always a foolproof guide to the gender of the infant.

"Abby" could be a boy or a girl -- as in Abbie Hoffman, or in my case, for Abigail.

I also concede that asking a direct question is the most intelligent solution.

P.S. Incidentally, Doctor, "Lee" can also be either gender.

CONFIDENTIAL TO "OVER 21 AND ALL GROWN UP IN ALBANY": Maturity is the ability to stick with a job until it's finished; to do a job without being supervised; to carry money without spending it; and to bear an injustice without wanting to get even. -- Abigail Van Buren

CONFIDENTIAL TO "OVER 21 AND ALL GROWN UP IN ALBANY": Maturity is the ability to stick with a job until it's finished; to do a job without being supervised; to carry money without spending it; and to bear an injustice without wanting to get even. -- Abigail Van Buren