DEAR ABBY: I recently lost both of my parents within three months of each other. My oldest son was very close to his grandparents, and when I tried to find a reasonably recent picture of them, I had difficulty finding one.

I'm the one who takes the photos, but I'm rarely in one. I've used several excuses: too fat, I don't photograph well, etc. But after trying to locate a picture for my son, I began to think, "If something should happen to me, would my children have any photos to remember me by -- or to show to their future families?"

Abby, perhaps this can help change the minds of other camera-shy people. The people who love you don't care how photogenic you are. Also, remember to photograph the people you see every day, because one day they won't be there anymore. -- HOLLY W., BANGOR, MAINE

DEAR HOLLY: Thank you for a valuable letter. And while I'm on the subject of family pictures: Readers, take time to go through that box of pictures you've stored in the back of your closet and write the names (and dates) on each one while you can still remember them.

DEAR ABBY: My first wife and I got married right out of high school. She was the girl of my dreams, and I was ecstatic to possess her. I couldn't have been happier. Then my father died, leaving me a seven-day-a-week business that didn't allow much time for my marriage. When she had a problem, I was frequently too tired to listen. She wasn't a pushy woman, and it was easy for me to believe the problem had resolved itself when she stopped bringing it up. How wrong I was!

After six years of marriage, she found someone who made her feelings a priority. Apparently he took the time to listen to her. My best friend and my former wife are now very happy together.

I am now 28 and married for the second time. There are still times when I find myself reverting to old habits. Sometimes I'm very tired, but I know I must make the effort to hear what she has to say -- or I will lose her, too.

I hope my first and second wives both read this letter, because I would like to say I'm sorry to my first wife, and thank you to my second.

Abby, to your other male readers, I say, "Remember, there's always someone out there willing to console a hurting woman. Don't give him the chance." -- STILL LEARNING OUT WEST

DEAR STILL LEARNING: That's sage advice from someone who learned an expensive lesson in communication.

DEAR ABBY: I am part of a car pool to after-school activities, and at my mother's instructions, I always say "Thank you" to the driver after getting out of the car.

My friends question this, saying the parent has offered to drive us, so a "thank you" is not necessary.

Abby, isn't it rude to get out of a car, after being given a ride, without so much as a "goodbye and thank you"? -- SANTA ROSA

DEAR SANTA ROSA: Yes, it is rude. Your friends who say a "thank you" is not necessary are mistaken. I advise you to continue to thank the driver after every ride.

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: Because prejudice and discrimination are so hurtful, I think we should do away with them in our public schools.

Abby, what is more discriminatory than the senior prom?

The poor, the frugal, the shy, the unpopular, the plain and the dateless are excluded. Many parents cannot afford all that is involved in this rite of passage: formal wear, corsages, limousines. The kid who is saving his cash for college, the student who has no "significant other," is a reject on the eve of what should be a joyous camaraderie including all members of the senior class.

Instead, this occasion has too often turned into a boisterous bash with overnight parties, drugs, drunk driving and death.

The above combination has made a farce of what was once a sensible, meaningful event. One father hired a horse-drawn carriage to transport his daughter to the prom!

I'm ready for a lot of flak in response to this letter, but I feel that there are many parents (and students) out there who agree with me, but are afraid to express it. -- D.B. IN OLYMPIA, WASH.

DEAR D.B.: Every year the newspapers carry pictures of handsome young men and beautiful girl graduates who have died in fiery automobile crashes on prom night. Rather than completely doing away with this rite of passage, it should be rethought. Some schools have already done this by transporting the young people to and from the dance or party in buses, and keeping the celebration alcohol-free. Others have turned it into a special night out (to a play, a theme park, etc.) that doesn't require a date.

I would be interested to hear what other schools and parents are doing to safeguard their young people on graduation night.

DEAR ABBY: Who says what's "right" when a woman wants to have a formal second wedding? My sister has been married once before. Her wedding was very large and very formal. She is now engaged again to a young man who has never been married.

Her wedding party started out to be six, including the bride and groom. It has now been reduced to four. We will all be dressed in gowns and tuxedos.

This is the late '90s, and we're heading into a new century. My sister feels there is nothing wrong with a second formal wedding as long as it's the first for the groom, and I agree.

If it's the bride's first wedding and the groom's second, no one would comment. But when it's the bride's second and the groom's first, why must it be small and informal? Shouldn't it be up to the bride and groom, rather than anyone else?

My sister's wedding will be small, with a few friends and the immediate family, but some of the traditions will be included, such as throwing the bridal bouquet, first dance, dollar dance, photographs, father-daughter dance, etc.

What are your thoughts on this? -- FORMAL OR NOT, BOWDOIN, MAINE

DEAR FORMAL OR NOT: I agree with your sister. Since it is the groom's first wedding, I see no reason why he should be penalized because his bride has been previously married.

The old rules about what is appropriate have relaxed in recent years. It is perfectly acceptable for the couple to have a formal wedding with all the trimmings.

My congratulations and best wishes to the happy couple.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I'm sure you opened the floodgates when you asked your readers for their definition of either a lousy or a great lover. I have always thought there should be a school to teach people how to be great lovers. There are so few of them around. A lady is lucky indeed to run into one, and truly blessed to be married to one.

Your definition that a lousy lover is hurried, selfish and inconsiderate was right on, but the list also should include being insensitive, having poor hygiene, poor verbal skills, and unwilling to give more than he gets, etc. I hope you print some of the responses you get. It will be interesting to see what your readers have to say on the subject. -- BEBE IN LA MIRADA, CALIF.

DEAR BEBE: I certainly hit a nerve when I asked the question, because the responses are still pouring in. I had no idea so many women (and men) would have so much to say on the subject. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: A good lover, male or female, is one who is teachable. -- SUZANNE IN PHOENIX

DEAR ABBY: In an interview, the actor Ricardo Montalban was asked, "What is a great lover?" He replied, "A great lover is someone who can satisfy one woman her entire lifetime and be satisfied with one woman his entire lifetime. It is not someone who goes from woman to woman; any dog can do that." -- PATRICK IN NASHVILLE

DEAR ABBY: Great lovers have the same qualities both in and out of bed -- they just manifest them differently in public (fortunately). They are chronically kind, have an incredible memory for what you like, touch you often, aren't in a rush, welcome new ideas, never fall asleep without saying, "I love you," and treat you like the most beautiful woman in the world, even if in reality you're 49 and porky. -- STEVE'S INCREDIBLY LUCKY WIFE IN LA JOLLA

DEAR ABBY: A good lover is a person who takes into consideration the needs of the other person. He is unselfish and wants to satisfy his partner. He's always patient and takes his time when he is making love. A good lover makes every effort to find out what his partner wants and then he fulfills those needs. A good lover is gentle and caring with his partner. He gives soft touches, gentle caresses and sweet kisses in all the right spots. He also is passionate and honest. I was very fortunate to fall in love with a fabulous lover. -- CRAZY IN LOVE IN RANCHO SANTA MARGARITA

DEAR ABBY: I never thought I'd ever have a chance at a great lover. However, at 65 I've been lucky enough to meet him. He is trustworthy in all things, not just sex; he wants to please and provide happiness in my life; he's able to control his own sexuality and bring us ultimately to even higher heights. By the way, my guy is in his late 70s.

P.S. I completely agree with your definition of a lousy lover. Been there -- had that! -- SEXY LADY IN ARLINGTON, TEXAS

DEAR ABBY: A lover who looks a woman in the eyes and tells her how beautiful she is and how much he loves her is a good lover. But what really makes it or breaks it, in my opinion, is if after all the afterglow fades -- can you talk to each other? I am only 28 years old, but I am sophisticated enough to know that sex is only a bonus. A good friendship is a lifetime commitment. I have a man who talks with me. We have a wonderful sex life, but it has more to do with how happy we are -- not how technically proficient we are. Abby, feel free to edit this and you are welcome to print my name. I want my Edward to know that he's a good lover because he cares. -- NORMA JEAN BARON, PLAINSBORO, N.J.

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby's "Keepers," P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)