DEAR ABBY: Because prejudice and discrimination are so hurtful, I think we should do away with them in our public schools.

Abby, what is more discriminatory than the senior prom?

The poor, the frugal, the shy, the unpopular, the plain and the dateless are excluded. Many parents cannot afford all that is involved in this rite of passage: formal wear, corsages, limousines. The kid who is saving his cash for college, the student who has no "significant other," is a reject on the eve of what should be a joyous camaraderie including all members of the senior class.

Instead, this occasion has too often turned into a boisterous bash with overnight parties, drugs, drunk driving and death.

The above combination has made a farce of what was once a sensible, meaningful event. One father hired a horse-drawn carriage to transport his daughter to the prom!

I'm ready for a lot of flak in response to this letter, but I feel that there are many parents (and students) out there who agree with me, but are afraid to express it. -- D.B. IN OLYMPIA, WASH.

DEAR D.B.: Every year the newspapers carry pictures of handsome young men and beautiful girl graduates who have died in fiery automobile crashes on prom night. Rather than completely doing away with this rite of passage, it should be rethought. Some schools have already done this by transporting the young people to and from the dance or party in buses, and keeping the celebration alcohol-free. Others have turned it into a special night out (to a play, a theme park, etc.) that doesn't require a date.

I would be interested to hear what other schools and parents are doing to safeguard their young people on graduation night.

DEAR ABBY: Who says what's "right" when a woman wants to have a formal second wedding? My sister has been married once before. Her wedding was very large and very formal. She is now engaged again to a young man who has never been married.

Her wedding party started out to be six, including the bride and groom. It has now been reduced to four. We will all be dressed in gowns and tuxedos.

This is the late '90s, and we're heading into a new century. My sister feels there is nothing wrong with a second formal wedding as long as it's the first for the groom, and I agree.

If it's the bride's first wedding and the groom's second, no one would comment. But when it's the bride's second and the groom's first, why must it be small and informal? Shouldn't it be up to the bride and groom, rather than anyone else?

My sister's wedding will be small, with a few friends and the immediate family, but some of the traditions will be included, such as throwing the bridal bouquet, first dance, dollar dance, photographs, father-daughter dance, etc.

What are your thoughts on this? -- FORMAL OR NOT, BOWDOIN, MAINE

DEAR FORMAL OR NOT: I agree with your sister. Since it is the groom's first wedding, I see no reason why he should be penalized because his bride has been previously married.

The old rules about what is appropriate have relaxed in recent years. It is perfectly acceptable for the couple to have a formal wedding with all the trimmings.

My congratulations and best wishes to the happy couple.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I'm sure you opened the floodgates when you asked your readers for their definition of either a lousy or a great lover. I have always thought there should be a school to teach people how to be great lovers. There are so few of them around. A lady is lucky indeed to run into one, and truly blessed to be married to one.

Your definition that a lousy lover is hurried, selfish and inconsiderate was right on, but the list also should include being insensitive, having poor hygiene, poor verbal skills, and unwilling to give more than he gets, etc. I hope you print some of the responses you get. It will be interesting to see what your readers have to say on the subject. -- BEBE IN LA MIRADA, CALIF.

DEAR BEBE: I certainly hit a nerve when I asked the question, because the responses are still pouring in. I had no idea so many women (and men) would have so much to say on the subject. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: A good lover, male or female, is one who is teachable. -- SUZANNE IN PHOENIX

DEAR ABBY: In an interview, the actor Ricardo Montalban was asked, "What is a great lover?" He replied, "A great lover is someone who can satisfy one woman her entire lifetime and be satisfied with one woman his entire lifetime. It is not someone who goes from woman to woman; any dog can do that." -- PATRICK IN NASHVILLE

DEAR ABBY: Great lovers have the same qualities both in and out of bed -- they just manifest them differently in public (fortunately). They are chronically kind, have an incredible memory for what you like, touch you often, aren't in a rush, welcome new ideas, never fall asleep without saying, "I love you," and treat you like the most beautiful woman in the world, even if in reality you're 49 and porky. -- STEVE'S INCREDIBLY LUCKY WIFE IN LA JOLLA

DEAR ABBY: A good lover is a person who takes into consideration the needs of the other person. He is unselfish and wants to satisfy his partner. He's always patient and takes his time when he is making love. A good lover makes every effort to find out what his partner wants and then he fulfills those needs. A good lover is gentle and caring with his partner. He gives soft touches, gentle caresses and sweet kisses in all the right spots. He also is passionate and honest. I was very fortunate to fall in love with a fabulous lover. -- CRAZY IN LOVE IN RANCHO SANTA MARGARITA

DEAR ABBY: I never thought I'd ever have a chance at a great lover. However, at 65 I've been lucky enough to meet him. He is trustworthy in all things, not just sex; he wants to please and provide happiness in my life; he's able to control his own sexuality and bring us ultimately to even higher heights. By the way, my guy is in his late 70s.

P.S. I completely agree with your definition of a lousy lover. Been there -- had that! -- SEXY LADY IN ARLINGTON, TEXAS

DEAR ABBY: A lover who looks a woman in the eyes and tells her how beautiful she is and how much he loves her is a good lover. But what really makes it or breaks it, in my opinion, is if after all the afterglow fades -- can you talk to each other? I am only 28 years old, but I am sophisticated enough to know that sex is only a bonus. A good friendship is a lifetime commitment. I have a man who talks with me. We have a wonderful sex life, but it has more to do with how happy we are -- not how technically proficient we are. Abby, feel free to edit this and you are welcome to print my name. I want my Edward to know that he's a good lover because he cares. -- NORMA JEAN BARON, PLAINSBORO, N.J.

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby's "Keepers," P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: In response to the man who wrote you asking for a definition of a "lousy lover": Sexual communication is the most difficult communication of all. As a marital and family therapist and a clinical psychologist who has practiced for 23 years in the state of California and taught at the university level on human sexuality, I can assure him that the polite avoidance he receives when asking women to define that question is a major part of the problem.

Healthy sexual behavior is behavior practiced between consenting adults in private. It is not public behavior. There are individual differences in what is preferred sexual stimulation and behavior. It is a matter to be discussed and worked out between the individuals involved. Many persons do not know what their sexual values, preferences and beliefs are until they have received some sort of instruction. To raise such a question to an individual with whom one is not involved in an intimate relationship is an invasion of personal privacy.

Abby, please tell "Needing More in Minneapolis" and the gentleman who wrote you to seek out, with their partner, a licensed professional in the field of relationship therapy who specializes in sex therapy. The professional will assist them in determining the type of sexual interaction that best fits them as a unique couple. Referrals can be obtained from local chapters of the association of psychologists and marriage and family therapists, which usually have listings in the Yellow Pages of local phone books. -- MARGRETA KLASSEN, PH.D., NEWPORT BEACH, CALIF.

DEAR DR. KLASSEN: Thank you for a helpful letter. I agree that sexual compatibility is more of a negotiated settlement than following the steps in a "how-to" manual. The assistance of a professional may be needed to open the lines of communication because many couples have hang-ups about confiding their likes and dislikes to each other. However, sometimes there is more wrong with a sexual relationship than lack of communication. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: In answer to your question, "What makes a lousy lover?" my first response is lack of good personal hygiene. I've been trying to tell this to my husband for years, but he just doesn't get it! Perhaps if he read this, he will:

Take a shower and scrub with soap and a washcloth -- all over -- every day; trim your eyebrows, the hair in your nose and ears, and see a dental hygienist a couple of times a year; put on deodorant and wear fresh clothes every day and keep your mustache clean.

How can we make love if I can't even stand to get close to him? -- ANONYMOUS IN ST. PAUL, MINN.

DEAR ABBY: A lousy lover is not interested in what he can do for me, only what I can do for him. A lousy lover doesn't listen to what he is told that could enhance my pleasure, or take gentle or subtle suggestions. A lousy lover says, "I really wanted you to have an orgasm," just before he rolls over to go to sleep, leaving me lying frustrated beside him. A lousy lover is selfish and self-centered and brags about his conquests and sexual skills (which usually means he has none). It has nothing to do with "size." -- TULSA, OKLA.

DEAR ABBY: A lousy lover is someone who walks into a room and says, "Do you want some?" He considers a few squeezes and pinches to be sufficient foreplay. Within 15 minutes it's all over, as far as he's concerned, whether his partner is satisfied or not. You know the old saying, "Wham-bam-thank you, ma'am."

It seems to me that if someone has to ask, you already know which class he falls into. -- PATRICIA W., VIRGINIA BEACH, VA.

TOMORROW: We'll hear from readers who answer the question, "What makes a great lover?"

For Abby's favorite family recipes, send a long, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Cookbooklet No. 1, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)