DEAR ABBY: The letter from "Someone in Georgia," the mother of a child who had died from an overdose of drugs, prompts this letter. She asked why no one had warned her about her child's drug problem while he/she could be saved. Perhaps this is the reason why:

The mothers in our community have often discussed the necessity for openness and sharing information about each other's kids. Sadly, this commitment came crashing down on my family.

My son (I'll call him "Mike") spoke to school counselors about his friend "John's" drug experimentation, which he had both heard about and witnessed. Mike wasn't the first to reveal it to school staff. But he was the only one who agreed to tell John's parents about it while in a protected school setting, in the presence of professional counseling staff. Mike was sure that John's parents would believe him and appreciate his honesty if they heard it straight from him. My husband and I naively agreed.

The response was devastating. John's parents called Mike a "traitor," a "narc," and many names that are unprintable. John has predictably denied everything. His parents cried "conspiracy, competition, vindictiveness," and continue to claim that Mike had ulterior motives. They blamed the accuser and became aggressors instead of listeners, criticizing and questioning the motives of my entire family. Is making Mike the enemy and a scapegoat a twisted way to deflect attention away from their own son?

I now regret that I didn't tell Mike, "You don't tell on friends." But the knowledge had burdened him for months. I assumed that personal integrity, mutual respect and honest evaluation would prevail. But John's parents have remained in vehement denial, fueled by their child's accomplished lying.

The school principal tells me that it can take from 20 to 30 incidents -- even up to 60 -- for some parents to look objectively at a child's drug problem, and that the substance abuse is most likely still continuing or will return.

This has been awful. Our household is still reeling. We thought of John's parents as friends, fair people. Mike still feels threatened, and even I feel threatened.

Now I ask myself, if the situation had been reversed, would my husband and I have been any more objective? Parents want to believe their children; we need to believe them. Nobody wants to face the darker possibilities. No parent wants to think that perhaps their parenting skills or their family's communication system has failed.

"Someone in Georgia" stated that she would have listened. Ideally that would have been true. But when someone tried to reach her, perhaps she was steadfastly believing something else. -- SADDER AND WISER NOW

DEAR SADDER AND WISER: Your theory that the reaction of John's parents was an attempt to divert attention from their son by focusing their anger on yours is perceptive. Their protective instincts prevented them from keeping an open mind, and they went on the attack. It is possible that they would have been less hostile and defensive if you and your son had approached them privately, instead of involving school authorities in the intervention.

Please don't second-guess your own judgment. Your son did the right thing by speaking out. It showed courage and a sense of responsibility. No one does a friend a favor by remaining silent when friends engage in self-destructive and possibly life-threatening behavior.

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DEAR ABBY: I am a 14-year-old girl and I'm very worried. My mother is having a baby this summer. I'm happy for her and my stepfather (this is their first baby together), but I think they are expecting me to take on a lot more responsibility than I had anticipated.

My mother and my aunts make comments like, "Get used to changing diapers now, and you'll be a natural once your new brother is born." Or, "Just think, you have a baby sitter in the house so you won't have to worry about getting one."

Well, I don't want to be a mother to this baby. I just want to be a sister, one who loves and holds, and occasionally changes diapers or feeds the baby.

I don't know how to talk to my mother about this. I am afraid that I will upset her and she'll think I don't want this newcomer in our family. She has included me in a lot of the preparations, like shopping and decorating the baby's room.

My mother works full time and my stepfather works six days a week. I already take care of my younger sister after school and when my parents go out occasionally.

I want to enjoy my teen years, free to make my own plans that won't be overruled when my parents want me to baby-sit. Can you give me any suggestions? -- THE OLDEST SISTER

DEAR OLDEST SISTER: It is not unreasonable for your parents to expect you to watch the baby for short periods when they are absent, but they should not depend upon you for all of the baby's care. You will be in school for a good part of the time while your mother works, so she will need another caretaker for your brother in any event.

Show this letter to your parents. The important thing to remember is "compromise": They should not expect you to be an unpaid baby sitter for your new brother; you should expect to pitch in some of the time. You might discover, after the baby arrives, that you want to spend more time with him. Good luck, and congratulations on the new arrival.

DEAR ABBY: I got the shock of my life last week. I live in a well-lighted, expensive neighborhood, in an electric-gated, fenced home.

I was upstairs in my bedroom when suddenly there was a knock on my bedroom door and in walked my two grown sons.

The youngest had climbed over the gated fence, gone into the gated backyard, put a credit card into the breakfast room door, found my purse and got my keys so that he could turn off the alarm in my car, get the remote control and open the gate, so that they could get in, come up the stairs, knock on my door and walk in. I nearly had a heart attack.

Abby, anyone could have done that, and I might not be sitting here writing to you. Everyone, please: Beware and be careful. -- J.P.C. IN L.A.

DEAR J.P.C.: Since you now feel vulnerable in your home, it's time to contact a security company and have someone there evaluate your premises. For openers, you need to purchase a deadbolt lock for the breakfast room. And for your peace of mind, instruct your two budding second-story men to never again enter your home without calling first.

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DEAR ABBY: When you told "Confused Heart," "When in doubt, don't" and, " ... the sooner you set her free, the sooner she can begin healing so she can look for someone who will love her," you jumped to the conclusion that what he was experiencing was not love.

If he has not had examples of loving relationships in his life, as his letter indicates, he may need to work through his feelings with a therapist, alone or as a couple. But I'd hate to see him throw away a three-year relationship because of your advice. I have not known a single person contemplating marriage who hasn't experienced doubt, or wondered if the grass wasn't greener with another person.

My advice to "Confused" would be to find a therapist and work out his feelings about love, commitment and relationships. If his current relationship does not work out, he'll have a much clearer idea of what he is looking for in a mate the next time around. And who knows, his girlfriend may just be the "right" one after all. -- NO LONGER CONFUSED THANKS TO THERAPY

DEAR NO LONGER CONFUSED: I received a bushel of well-reasoned responses to the letter from "Confused Heart in Manhattan," the majority from readers who endorsed my answer. But I agree with you; counseling could be very helpful to that doubt-ridden young man. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: I was in a relationship like "Confused Heart's." I ended up dating a man for 13 years. He was too afraid of losing me to let me go, but all the while he never gave himself fully to me because he was always wondering what else was out there. Finally, I left him.

My advice: If, after three years of dating, you still have a difficult time picturing yourself with your friend for the rest of your life -- if it is not how you imagined things should be -- get out. To stay is simply leading your girlfriend on and giving her false hope. To jump into marriage at this point with all your doubts would surely make you another divorce statistic. You would always continue to wonder, as you have put it, "Is there real love out there?" -- HAPPILY MARRIED IN PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR ABBY: I read with great empathy the letter from "Confused Heart," who loved his girlfriend but wasn't sure she was "the one." He wondered if he was living in a fairy tale world, or if there is a real love out there where there are no doubts.

I am 34 years old. I'm being married for the first time in June. As an adolescent I thought I wanted to get married as soon as possible, and regarded every guy I met as a potential mate. I stayed in some bad relationships because it was better than being alone. Over time, I matured, gained some self-esteem, and my expectations about relationships changed. I had several boyfriends, one of whom I grew to care for deeply. But I chose not to marry him because I, too, was unsure of what love was "supposed" to feel like. I didn't want to make a mistake and end up divorced.

Then I met Dan. I can't explain how I knew. I just "knew" Dan was the one for me. I had no doubts. Abby, of all the guys I dated, no one made me feel the way he does. He brings out the best in me. He's my best friend. He never gives me any reason to doubt his love for me.

I'm not saying that everyone should wait as long as I did to get married, but your advice was right on. If in doubt, DON'T -- and that applies to more than just marriage. When it's right, you'll know it. I hope "Confused Heart" makes the right choice. But as for me, I'm ... GLAD I WAITED

DEAR GLAD: Congratulations on your upcoming wedding. I love happy endings.

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