DEAR ABBY: I am the mother of a 28-year-old son who is deaf. He is a contributing member of his community and a wonderful father to his beautiful 3-year-old hearing son.

There is life after children -- even deaf ones, I'm happy to report. As a parent, I have arrived at this "normal" state with the help and wisdom of many who have been here before me -- professionals, parents of other deaf and hard-of-hearing children, and deaf and hard-of-hearing adults.

Many parents with young children recently discovered to be deaf or hard of hearing don't realize that they are in the mainstream. They feel isolated. I talk to some of them daily on the LEAD LINE of the House Ear Institute in Los Angeles.

Because so many parents, their friends and relatives get so much useful information from your column, Abby, I hope you will share two sources of information and support available to them: The first is the LEAD LINE, whose telephone numbers are 1-800-287-4763 in California and 1-800-352-8888 for the rest of the United States, or http://www.hei.org. As a parent with broad advisory support, I respond to LEAD LINE callers with up-to-date, unbiased information about whatever their concerns may be -- potty training to college programs.

The second is a recently published book for parents titled "The Silent Garden," new and completely revised, by Paul Ogden, Ph.D., a teacher trainer who also happens to be deaf since birth. Years ago, his first book was very important to me. This new book, published by Gallaudet University Press, provides parents with sensitive understanding of the issues and decisions before them, the choices available, and the personal recollections and insights of some of the 350 families and 500 deaf and hard-of-hearing adults who participated in interviews and discussions with him through the years. -- BARBARA LINCOLN, COORDINATOR, HOUSE EAR INSTITUTE LEAD LINE, LOS ANGELES

DEAR BARBARA: Thank you for sharing a valuable information resource. When a child is diagnosed with a severe hearing disability, not only do the parents need guidance, they also need reassurance that they can prepare their child for a rich and productive life. Between your helpline and Dr. Ogden's wealth of experience, parents of deaf and hard-of-hearing children should find an excellent resource to benefit their families.

DEAR ABBY: Mom and I have been arguing about something for a week or so. Recently while Mom was visiting her parents, she went into the bedroom for something and saw Grandpa's checkbook lying open on the dresser. She looked through it and discovered that for the past year, her parents had been giving large sums of money to her brothers and sisters.

When she came to me about it, I told her that it was none of her business and she was guilty of snooping. Mom says the fact that she was snooping is beside the point. She feels that she should talk to her parents about those checks her siblings are getting -- because she would like to get some money, too.

What do you think? -- TROUBLED DAUGHTER

DEAR TROUBLED DAUGHTER: Your mother was wrong to have gone through her father's checkbook. But since she did, she should now discuss it with her parents. If she doesn't, jealousy and resentment could fester and cause serious problems later among her siblings.

I agree it seems unfair. But her parents may have good reason for doing what they're doing.

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DEAR ABBY: My 17-year-old daughter (I'll call her Carrie) was dating a young man I'll call Brad for approximately nine months. Carrie has a part-time job that pays for her entertainment and also her gas and minor repairs to the car her father and I gave her. When the two of them went out, Carrie would drive because Brad did not have his license, let alone a car. He also did not have a job. He managed to find the money for tennis shoes that cost $150 a pair, but he never offered to put gas in her car.

About a month before Brad's birthday, he asked to borrow $50 from Carrie. He said he'd pay her back when he received money for his birthday. Well, his birthday came and went, and he made no attempt to pay back the money. He avoided her when she went to his house to collect. Neither would he return her phone calls. I was very upset and told her so. After a month of this, Carrie got fed up and finally told Brad to keep the money -- he was not worth it!

I recently found out that she has been seeing Brad behind my back. When I asked her about it, she said she did not tell me because she knew I would be angry. I told her that since her father and I were paying for the car, Brad was not to ride in it, and I did not want him calling my house. I put a block on my phone so that his calls would not be received. When Carrie found out about this, she became quite upset. Now his family's phone has been disconnected and Brad goes to a friend's house to call her. Every time he calls, I block that number also.

I have talked to Carrie about having respect for herself and not allowing others to take advantage of her. I know that this is not my fight, but by accepting Brad's behavior, she is allowing him to think he can continue to do this to people. (I have heard through the grapevine that this is not the first time he has done it.)

How can I convince her that Brad is no good and she should have more respect for herself? -- FRUSTRATED MOM IN NEW ORLEANS

DEAR MOM: Carrie is almost an adult, and you are not going to teach her self-respect by blocking her telephone calls. All you have accomplished with this tactic is to make yourself the "enemy" and drive your daughter into the arms of the young man who victimized her in the first place.

I doubt the lines of communication will open very far if you continue trying to block them behind your daughter's back. Some lessons can be expensive, and Carrie may have to learn them for herself. I wish you both luck.

DEAR ABBY: My parents got divorced when I was 11 months old. My dad got married again, and he and his wife live in Pennsylvania and I live in New Hampshire.

I have called my stepmother "Auntie" since I was old enough to talk, and I am sick of it. I would like to call her by her first name like everybody else does. I asked my dad if it would be OK, and he said, "No. It is disrespectful for children to call adults by their first name." Abby, I don't want to call her "Auntie" anymore.

What should I do? Sign me ... CONFUSED 11-YEAR-OLD IN NEW HAMPSHIRE

DEAR CONFUSED: Your father is right. It is disrespectful for children to call adults by their first name unless the adult has asked the child to do so.

However, there might be a chance for you and your stepmother to become good pals. Tell her that you would like to call her by another name; perhaps the two of you can work on it together. I think she would be flattered to be taken into your confidence.

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DEAR ABBY: You advised a pre-op transsexual to use the ladies' rest room, and I'll bet you caught heck for it. Abby, people who object to transsexuals using the rest room for the gender they are about to become may not be aware of the following: Male-to-female pre-op transsexuals are REQUIRED to live as a woman for one year prior to the surgery. This includes obtaining a driver's license in the new gender and name, with a signed form from their endocrinologist. They should not continue to use the men's rest room.

A pre-op transsexual has, by virtue of hormones taken, no interest in being in the women's rest room other than to use it. These individuals are doing everything they can to deal with their new identity. A male-to-female pre-op transsexual has, for all intents and purposes, made a permanent commitment and deserves support in this decision.

Believe me, they do not want to be discovered. They take great pains to make sure they are not. It's surprising that the person who wrote to you had not received coaching from his doctor.

In this era when gender and sexual expression are no longer being hidden in the closet, the woman next to you in the rest room may or may not look like she belongs in the ladies' room, but appearances are not a reliable clue to her real identity. Sign me ... WATCHED MY EX-BOYFRIEND GO THROUGH THE WHOLE PROCESS

DEAR WATCHED: I received a slew of mail from women who were outraged at the thought of a male using the women's rest room for any reason. So I did some further research and contacted John Bancroft, M.D., director of the Kinsey Institute for Research in Sex, Gender and Reproduction. He said:

"I advise my transsexual or transgendered patients that when they present themselves as women they should use the women's rest room and vice versa. Women should feel no concern about the occasional transgendered person doing this. What such people want more than anything else is to be seen and accepted as a normal female. I provide my gender reassignment patients with a formal 'To Whom It May Concern' letter to carry at all times, explaining that they are in this process of transition -- and if there are any questions, to contact me."

I would like to thank you and Dr. Bancroft for your valuable contribution to this column.

DEAR ABBY: My daughter is graduating from high school in May. She is a very special girl who has touched the lives of many people. We would like to extend invitations to these people to attend an open-house party, but we do not want them to feel obligated to bring a gift.

How can we tactfully communicate this message on our invitations? -- MINNEAPOLIS MOTHER

DEAR MOTHER: Use the old standby: "Your presence will be our daughter's cherished gift, and we respectfully request no other."

CONFIDENTIAL TO "TO DRESS, OR NOT TO DRESS": The following may help you make your decision: "All women's dresses are merely variations on the eternal struggle between the admitted desire to dress and the unadmitted desire to undress." -- LIN YUTANG, CHINESE PHILOSOPHER

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)