DEAR ABBY: The letter you recently printed from "The Goodbye Wife in California," who listed the reasons to leave her husband, hit home with me. I clipped it, and checked off the reasons with which I identified. It had a profound effect on me.

Before I read that letter, I had been reminiscing about the pleasant moments I had shared with my former husband, and had started once again to blame all our problems on myself. (I had not been understanding enough; I couldn't cook well enough; etc.) I fantasized that we could be united as a family again.

My 15-year-old daughter lives with me, and my 17-year-old son lives with his father. I miss my son and the good things about our family life. However, the letter in your column was a sobering and much-needed reminder of the sometimes subtle, but always devastating effects of being the object of intermittent humiliation, ridicule, name-calling, intimidation and physical abuse.

The writer mentioned that she had not yet left her abuser, and knew it was easier said than done. I know exactly what she's experiencing. She is most likely feeling ambivalent, because abused women usually have thinking patterns that reflect the destructive effect of abuse. We tend to gloss over the bad parts and glorify the good things (there are some good things even in a relationship of this kind, which is one of the most confusing aspects of living with an abuser). She may blame herself. She may be hoping her husband will see the error of his ways by reading her letter in your column and miraculously change.

I want her to know: That is a fantasy. It will never happen. He will not change, nor will he even admit he needs to. Worse yet, her children will learn the same inappropriate patterns of behavior.

She needs to leave that marriage as soon as possible and begin repairing the damage this man has inflicted. She must be prepared to experience the temptation to return to him as if everything would magically be better. She'll probably have difficulty relating in a healthy way to a kind and gentle man, but with therapy to assist in the healing process, she will be able to rebuild her self-esteem and be able to love again.

Now I'll tell you how her letter came to impact me: I left the column (with my check marks on it) in my bathroom. While my daughter and I were out, my former husband and my son came into my home. My ex found the column and observed that I had checked most of the items on the list. Did he recognize himself? Did he suddenly empathize with my feelings? Did he want to talk over the issues? No. He showed the list to my son. The two of them laughed about it and ridiculed me when I returned. My son then derisively described the list to my daughter.

For the first time in the many years I have known this man, I saw him clearly for what he really is. To enter my home, read personal things that pertain only to our relationship and then share them with our son is the most obvious example I will ever need of what emotional abuse is.

I thank your reader for the boost her letter provided me. I hope she will successfully negotiate the road to her personal recovery. It won't be easy, but there's a light at the end of the tunnel. And now, I can finally begin to get on with the rest of my life -- thanks to reading her letter in your column. -- BEEN THERE IN FLORIDA

DEAR BEEN THERE: I am gratified that "Goodbye Wife's" insight enabled you to resist the temptation to return to your abusive marriage.

I'm concerned, however, that your son appears to be following in his father's footsteps. Please insist that he get into counseling to break the pattern that all too often is passed from one generation to another. He will be much happier if he learns a better way to relate -- with kindness and consideration for others.

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DEAR ABBY: I am a 70-year-old man whose wife died two years ago. For the past year, I have been dating a spry widow whose husband died about the same time my wife died. We have a lovely relationship and have talked about getting married.

The problem is her dead husband's ashes. She keeps them in a fancy gold box on the mantle of her fireplace. I just recently found out what is in the box, and I think this is morbid. Sometimes she stands in front of the box and reminisces about her dead husband. Her family tells me that she has requested that her husband's ashes be placed in her coffin when she dies. I find this somewhat disturbing.

I had a serious talk with her, so she knows I object to having the remains of her husband on the mantle. I would like a permanent relationship, and she has told me she loves me and is interested in getting married. However, she is not willing to remove the ashes from the mantle.

Abby, do other people keep ashes of the dead in their homes? How can I get her to remove them? -- ASHES IN AUDUBON, N.J.

DEAR ASHES IN AUDUBON: It is unusual but not unheard of to keep the ashes of a loved one in one's home. It may be that your ladyfriend needs more time to completely resolve her loss. Your understanding would only enhance your relationship with her. However, I suggest that you ask her to please keep the ashes in a more private place -- a spare room or in her personal closet. Her degree of willingness to compromise should tell you volumes about the future of a relationship with her.

I would like to hear from others who have kept the ashes of their beloved mate.

DEAR ABBY: I just had to write after I read the letter from "Confused in San Diego," whose tightwad boyfriend presented her with a bill for money he had "loaned" her over their year-long relationship.

A number of years ago, my boyfriend "Martin" and I were bicycling on a back-country road on an island in Canada. We were miles from nowhere when I got a flat tire. It was just getting dark and threatening to rain, and I was not looking forward to waiting alone while Martin rode to the campground to get our car so he could drive back and get me.

Suddenly, as if out of nowhere, a man on a bicycle rounded the corner. He stopped and offered us a brand-new inner tube he had recently purchased. I asked him how much we owed him. He said he had paid $3.65 at the local store. I pulled out an American $5 bill to give him when Martin stopped me. "Wait a minute," he said, "with the exchange rate for American money, that makes it only $2.73." He then insisted the man give us the appropriate amount of change -- to the penny. I was mortified! The kind man was good-natured about the whole incident, gave Martin his change, and rode off.

Fortunately, after many more embarrassing incidents, I finally dumped Martin and his penny-pinching ways. Abby, your comment, "This one is not above using the purse strings to try to control you," was right on the money. -- PENNY-WISED UP

DEAR PENNY-WISED UP: I wasn't sure whether to file your letter under "The Kindness (and Tolerance) of Strangers" or "Miserly Mortals," so I printed it instead!

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DEAR ABBY: On behalf of the National Association for Continence (NAFC), formerly Help for Incontinent People, I would like to thank you for your interest and willingness to help your readers find the information and referrals they need to cope with bladder or bowel control problems. Because you have previously printed letters from our founder, Dr. Katherine Jeter, and former Sen. Bob Dole, more than 100,000 people contacted NAFC for help and information -- more than from any other single source.

We hope you will continue to encourage your readers to seek medical diagnosis and treatment for incontinence. We are still very concerned by how long people are waiting to seek help. Our 1996 membership survey showed that women wait an average of 3.4 years and men 1.8 years before seeing a health care professional. We still receive calls from people who have had this problem for 20 or more years, and their call to us is their first attempt to gain information or to seek help.

Incontinence is a medical condition with many causes. It affects more than 13 million Americans, of whom 85 percent are women. It robs many men and women of their independence and spoils the quality of life for countless others. Incontinence, whether partial or complete, temporary or continuing, is not normal. It is not a disease, it is not part of being a woman and it is not "just what happens" as you get older!

More and more new treatments are being successfully used for all types of incontinence. Dietary changes, bladder retraining, medications, pelvic muscle exercises, biofeedback, electrical stimulation, surgery, collagen implants or pelvic support devices have all been effective in getting people completely dry or, at least, back in control of their bladder habits. When a cure is not possible, selection of the best absorbent product or device and proper skin care will lessen the risk of irritating rashes or embarrassing "accidents."

Miss Van Buren, it is important that your readers expect help from their doctors and persist until they find a physician who specializes in the diagnosis and treatment of bladder control problems. Please let them know that NAFC is ready to provide information and referrals to anyone who needs them. -- LYNDA CHRISTISON, MPA, EXECUTIVE DIRECTOR

DEAR MS. CHRISTISON: I was surprised to learn that an estimated one in four women ages 30 to 59 have experienced an episode of urinary incontinence, and that it occurs in children and young adults as well as the elderly. A broad range of conditions and disorders can cause the problem -- including birth defects, pelvic surgery, injuries to the pelvic region or spinal cord, neurological diseases, pregnancy, childbirth and degenerative changes associated with aging.

Readers who have experienced incontinence or are concerned about someone who has can request a basic packet of information by sending a long, self-addressed, stamped envelope and $2 to NAFC, P.O. Box 8310, Spartanburg, S.C. 29305-8310.

Approximately 80 percent of those affected by urinary incontinence can be cured or improved.

DEAR ABBY: Several years ago, you published a quotation from Lord Chesterfield. In it, he gave his appraisal of sex. As I recall, it was hilarious. Can you find it and print it again, please? -- LONGTIME READER IN PHOENIX

DEAR READER: Here it is: Lord Chesterfield on sex: "The price is exorbitant, the pleasure is transitory, and the position is ridiculous."

CONFIDENTIAL TO A DEAR FRIEND: Happy birthday, Mimi (Mrs. Arthur) Groman, whose friendship I have cherished since our girlhood days. No one has ever had a more loyal friend.

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