DEAR ABBY: I have been involved with a kind and generous man for four years. We have a child together who is now 16 months old. We are not married because he is still married to his first wife.

"Joe" and his wife have filed for divorce and all that remains to finalize it are their signatures. However, when I asked him about it, he gave me excuses such as it would ruin him financially, or they must remain together for the sake of their two children. He said that his youngest daughter is afraid that if he and her mother got divorced, she will never see him again. Both Joe and his wife want the divorce, but the decree just sits there unsigned. I don't understand his procrastination because I am sure he wants to be married to me and be a full-time father to our child.

Joe is a very good father to our baby and a wonderful lover, but I want him to be more than that -- I want him to be my husband.

Abby, do you think if I'm patient Joe will eventually finalize his divorce and marry me? -- WAITING PATIENTLY

DEAR WAITING: I'm sorry to burst your bubble, but if Joe really wanted to marry you, he would not be offering weak excuses and leaving the divorce papers unsigned. It appears that he wants to have his cake and eat it, too.

It may not be easy for you to face reality, but the sooner you do, the sooner you will be able to liberate yourself from this hopeless situation and find someone who is free to marry you.

DEAR ABBY: I am a very conservative parent when it comes to men. I never dated any young man except the one who became my husband.

I have a 19-year-old daughter who lives on campus at her college. I always encouraged her to be a good girl like me.

She recently came home for a college break, and in her room, I found a year-old receipt from a motel. On it was her name and that of a boy she was dating at the time. She now has another boyfriend.

Abby, should I confront her with the receipt or pretend I don't know anything? -- CONSERVATIVE MOM

DEAR CONSERVATIVE MOM: I would advise against confronting your daughter with the motel receipt. She's an adult and has the right to make her own decisions. I hope that in addition to telling your daughter that she should be a "good girl" like you, while she was still a minor and living with you, you discussed sex with its implications and dangers. Teens often fail to accept a parent's admonition unless it is backed up with good reasons. The lessons you taught her while she was growing up will help her to make wise choices now that she is an adult.

DEAR ABBY: Your answer to "Upset Mother Down South," the woman who was concerned because her daughter's husband failed to acknowledge birthdays, Valentine's Day and other "special occasions" with a card, was right on the money.

My husband rarely thinks to send flowers or cards on those special occasions. However, he does remember Dec. 23 as the day of our first date. He can even remember the table at which we sat and the movie we saw before dinner. He can recite dates, times and the clothes I wore on occasions special to just the two of us. He also remembers the details associated with each child's birth.

Even though I am not "remembered" on the special dates printed on calendars, I feel very loved. After all, those dates were chosen by our government, our religious institutions and the greeting card companies. They do not automatically carry personal significance. Perhaps women who are upset by what their husbands forget should listen to what they remember. -- RITA SEIFERT, CINCINNATI

DEAR RITA: You have your priorities well organized, and you said it very well. When a couple loves and cherishes each other, every day is Thanksgiving and every night is New Year's Eve.

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I join the many who have valued your sage wisdom through the years. This letter is in response to "Brian Chiedo of Dallas," who wrote that the English teacher should not teach sex education but stick to what she is employed to teach.

Abby, my wife is a ninth- and 10th-grade science teacher at our local high school, Travelers Rest High. Three years ago, our school developed a new class called Community Service. Its purpose is to actively involve students, primarily juniors and seniors, in various civic activities.

Each day, these kids leave their school for an hour and a half to learn lessons about life by volunteering in nursing homes, feeding the homeless at the local soup kitchen, helping to distribute food to the needy at the local food pantry, mentoring preschool children at a day care center or working at city hall. The education these students receive is invaluable, and at the same time, they are giving back to their community.

None of these benefits would have been possible if my wife -- and other teachers -- had "stuck to the subjects they were hired to teach." How proud I am of my wife, the science teacher who volunteered to develop the curriculum and "teach" this pilot class.

Our community is very fortunate to have teachers who are willing to look for subjects that need to be taught and who never stop looking for ways to communicate with and reach our young people -- even when the subjects fall outside the realm of traditional instruction. -- RICK BLACKWELL, MARIETTA, S.C.

DEAR MR. BLACKWELL: Thank you for your thought-provoking letter. You should indeed be proud of your wife and her colleagues who have improvised an original and creative way to stimulate your community's most precious resources -- its youth and its educators. Bravo!

DEAR ABBY: Last year a close friend and her husband took early retirement, bought an RV and have been traveling ever since. She has always written lots of letters to relatives and friends, but now she writes daily diaries, detailing what they had for meals each day, what she bought at the discount store and the daily temperature. Then she photocopies and sends the same "letter" to everyone. Sometimes we get as many as 12 typed, single-spaced sheets (front and back) of their daily activities.

Abby, I do not have the time or desire to hear what they ate (in one letter she gave us a full description of their illness after a bad meal!) and how much mileage they made on a tank of gas. I suppose I could just toss the letter when it arrives, but I worry that she will say something important somewhere. That did happen once, on page 5, day 22, when she disclosed that her sister had died. I had to read the whole dissertation to glean that news.

All of us dread going to the mailbox to find the letter from hell. We would appreciate any suggestion you have. -- MAILBOX MADNESS

DEAR M.M.: Unless you're prepared to level with this compulsive diarist, prepare to continue receiving copies of her daily log. You don't say how many friends are involved here, but an alternative might be for each of you to take turns reading one of the "letters" and be responsible for letting the others know the contents.

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby's "Keepers," P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: A few months ago, I found out my husband had a two-year affair with my teen-age sister. The affair began with my husband raping her, but she didn't disclose it and she didn't discourage him when he approached her again for sex.

At first he denied everything. He had always been basically a good husband and father, so I believed his denial. When I found out it really happened, I told him it was disgusting and could land him in jail. He apologized, saying it was a "mistake" and asked me to forgive him. I couldn't accept his apology and filed for legal separation.

He calls me daily asking for forgiveness and begging me to take him back. My friends, who don't know the whole sordid story, say I should forgive him and take him back. My family says it's the "Christian thing to do."

Abby, I don't miss him, don't like him and don't want him back. But I have no moral support except for our children, who don't want me to take him back. In spite of my feelings, I'm considering letting him come back to get him and everyone else off my back, and also because I'm afraid I will be alone the rest of my life.

I'm completely self-supporting financially, so that is not the issue.

If you were me, what would your decision be? -- UNDECIDED IN ILLINOIS

DEAR UNDECIDED: A two-year affair with a minor is far more than just a "mistake." Your husband may be guilty of statutory rape, and your sister may need counseling to cope with the trauma of having been molested.

Were I in your shoes, I not only would refuse to take him back, I would also see that my sister got counseling, and encourage her to report the rape and subsequent sexual abuse to the authorities.

DEAR ABBY: May I suggest a wonderful idea for showers for second or third babies?

Before my second child was born, my friends got together and gave me a shower of frozen home-cooked meals. I then prepared more frozen meals, and for a month after the baby came I didn't have to spend much time in the kitchen.

A new mother is so busy with the new baby and older children that this is welcome relief from a time-consuming chore. Also, we were able to sample the culinary skills of our friends -- which was a welcome change from my home cooking. -- NICOLE ANDREWS, SACRAMENTO

DEAR NICOLE: This isn't the first time I've heard about a practical shower of this kind, but the idea bears repeating. I can well imagine how these meals would be appreciated at such a busy time. Your friends merit stars in their crowns.

DEAR ABBY: I have read and enjoyed your column for years, and I have learned from it, too. I have quite a collection of your columns that I keep for referral to friends and family when needed.

Referring to your answer to "Miss X," the pre-surgical transsexual who asked about using the women's rest room, you may want to remind him (her) to lower the panties and sit, rather than stand.

My sister was in a rest room recently and was quite surprised when she looked down to see feet pointing toward the wall and heard "water running" in the next stall. She didn't know whether to stay in her stall or venture out to see who would be coming out from next door. Curiosity got the best of her and she observed the occupant leaving, walking very unsteadily on "her" high heels.

Just when these cross-dressers think they have thought of everything, they forget to point their feet in the right direction. -- JOYCE IN RICHMOND, VA.

DEAR JOYCE: I'm sure you will agree that some habits become so ingrained they are hard to break.

For Abby's favorite family recipes, send a long, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Cookbooklet No. 1, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)