DEAR ABBY: When I saw the letter from the angry husband who signed his letter "Just Say No, My Foot," I had to write. Men seem to think that a woman, after working a full day, dealing with the kids, fixing meals, doing housework and rarely receiving a kind word, gesture or kiss from her mate, will somehow be sexually excited the minute they hop into bed and will want to attack her husband with those uncontrollable desires. I'm afraid the opposite is true.

My husband had no idea that foreplay begins in the morning and lasts all day. Of course, we had to talk about the definition of foreplay -- which I described as helping me out around the house, with the kids, the laundry, the housework. I also let him know it would be nice to receive compliments like he used to give when we were courting and first married. Along with that needs to go some kind of physical contact like hugs and kisses, which I know I need to let me know that he still cares. All of these things begin to get us in the mood so that when the opportunity arises, we are as willing as they are.

Some nights I'm just not sexually motivated, but if my husband has made the effort to make me feel wanted and cared for, then I'll do the same for him.

I have a car that's 20 years old and I have to start it 10 minutes before I get ready to leave because the engine needs to warm up. After it's warm, it runs great. If I try to drive it cold, I don't get far. Well, the same goes for me in reference to intimacy and sex.

Men need to be reminded to treat their wives the way they did when they first met them and were convincing them what a great catch they would make. A little tenderness, kindness and helpfulness will get them what they want. Give and you will receive. -- OVER 35 WITH A SATISFIED HUSBAND

DEAR OVER 35: Thank you for your profound observations. The letter from the cynical husband has struck nerves all over the country. Am I ever getting letters! Read on:

DEAR ABBY: "Just Say No, My Foot" could have been writing about me. Like his wife, I was 35, married 10 years, and had found every excuse in the world to say no to sex. I thought I'd never feel passionate or sexual again. Of course, that was before we got some marital counseling together.

It is now seven years later. I have two children under 2 years old and have sex almost every day. Most of the time I initiate it! What has caused this dramatic change? My husband.

My "new" husband tells me how pretty I am, even though I have gained 30 pounds after having the babies. He takes my hand in the car and puts his arm around me while watching television. When I'm cooking or tending to the baby, he comes up behind me, rubs my shoulders, and tells me what a good wife and mother I am. At night, when I'm dead tired, he puts his arms around me, tells me how wonderful I am and strokes my hair as I fall asleep.

My husband also goes out of his way to make time for sex when I am awake and in the mood. Sometimes this means coming home from work in the middle of the day! If "Just Say No, My Foot's" wife had a husband like mine, I'm sure she would love making love to him. -- SAYING YES ALL THE TIME

DEAR JUST SAY NO, MY FOOT, AND OTHER MALE READERS: I don't know how many husbands will find this column on their pillows or breakfast plates, but those who do should regard it as a road map to a happy marriage. Anyone who doubts it should ask his wife. Sometimes you have to give a little to get a lot.

For Abby's favorite family recipes, send a long, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Cookbooklet No. 1, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: After 13 years of being with an abusive man, I finally figured out what a jerk he really is. I am leaving him very soon, although it is easier said than done. I have my "Dear John" letter ready. I sat down one day and wrote down all of the things he has put me through, and titled it "Love Isn't ..."

Perhaps if other women read it, they will know they aren't alone and everything isn't their fault, which I was led to believe so many times.

Guys: If you see yourself in this, be prepared to see your wife and kids walk out someday. It's just a matter of time.

LOVE ISN'T ...

-- Raising your hand with intent to scare or harm your wife.

-- Making yourself absent when your wife is sick.

-- Coming home half-drunk.

-- Standing her up on an important occasion, like the celebration dinner at the hospital for the birth of your child.

-- Screaming, "You're fine" when your wife feels sick or scared.

-- Calling her a liar when she's never lied to you.

-- Being nice only when you want something -- like sex.

-- Calling her stupid, ignorant or a bitch.

-- Saying, "You think you're always right," after asking her opinion.

-- Thinking always of what will make you happy, not your wife or your child.

-- Criticizing your wife in front of other people, or even worse -- your children.

-- Saying you're going to inflict physical harm because you don't like what she's saying.

-- Ordering her to "Stop crying," or insisting, "That didn't hurt; you exaggerate everything."

-- Saying, "If you don't like it, LEAVE!"

-- Shoving, hitting, or even pretending to do so.

-- Making her life miserable when you're at home. And that's why I ain't here! -- THE GOODBYE WIFE IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR GOODBYE WIFE: Your description of your marriage is chilling. I have said this before, but it bears repeating: Life is filled with choices. Sometimes it's necessary to ask yourself, "Am I better off with him -- or without him?" I wish you better luck in your next relationship. Fortunately, not all men are like the one you married.

DEAR ABBY: I am 74 years old and have attended many funerals and memorial services in my lifetime, and I have decided that I do not want one.

When I tell my children this, they just smile and say, "Of course we will have a service for you."

Sometimes the music and sermon are comforting, but for the most part funerals are dreary affairs. Most people attend out of respect for the family. The deceased certainly doesn't know who is there.

Since I feel so strongly about having no service of any kind, don't you think my family should abide by my wishes? -- ANONYMOUS IN OREGON

DEAR ANONYMOUS: Yes, but let's face the facts. Funerals are for the living, and the "star of the show" has no voice in the matter. As Lord Beaverbrook once said, "The only reason I might go to a funeral is to make absolutely sure that person is dead!"

If you are adamant about not wanting a funeral, suggest to your children that instead you would prefer a "celebration of life." These services are increasingly popular, and are usually more cheerful than traditional funerals.

For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I had intended to order some of those "Please Call Police" banners you mention periodically, but in the past I have procrastinated. This year I made it a New Year's resolution.

Last summer our car broke down on I-81 during a vacation trip. My husband has emphysema. It was hot and humid, and my husband was having trouble breathing. We had no electricity to power his nebulizer, and we were carrying no oxygen with us. We sat by the side of the road for a very long time and no one stopped to help us. We tried reaching 911 or the police on our CB radio with no luck. Seeing no other alternative, I got out of our car and started walking for help. My husband was so scared, Abby. When I left him in the car he didn't think he would see me again.

I finally managed to stop a truck on an off-ramp, and the driver was considerate enough to take me to a gas station where I could use a phone to call for assistance. All the police were busy, but they did summon a wrecker who came for us and took us to a garage, where we called a sister to come and pick us up.

Please print the ordering information for the banners again. I want to order two -- one for the front and one for the rear window of our car. We want to be independent again. As it stands, a relative either accompanies us or follows us to our destination when we go out of town. -- MRS. G.E. BEARD JR., LEXINGTON, VA.

DEAR MRS. BEARD: I'm pleased that your frightening experience had a happy ending. And thank you for sharing your story so that I can remind my readers to order the "Please Call Police" banners, which can literally be lifesavers in a roadside emergency.

To order, write WCIL-Banners, P.O. Box 91501, Los Angeles, Calif. 90009. You will receive one PLEASE CALL POLICE banner as a premium for a $5 contribution to WCIL, and another banner with each additional $4 contribution. (Like you, Mrs. Beard, many people order two, one for the windshield and one for the rear window -- so it can be seen "coming and going.")

Checks or money orders (U.S. funds only, please) should be made payable to WCIL-Banners. Allow eight weeks for delivery. The Westside Center for Independent Living is a not-for-profit organization that helps disabled people live independently.

DEAR ABBY: I need your opinion: Recently, while watching "Baywatch," I saw a scene where two male actors were sitting at a beachside restaurant watching the bikini-clad ladies walking by. I think of myself as normal -- and I mentally placed myself there with them.

I mentioned this to my wife who was present, and she lit into me, saying, "Men looking at bikinis are only evaluating the women toward having sex." (Actually, she was a bit more crude.)

I didn't argue, but I resented the guilt trip she tried to put on me. I am over 60, still virile, and the father of three beautiful daughters who grew up unabashed by nudity. I enjoy looking at good-looking women of all ages, and seldom did I have a prurient thought unless I had a good reason.

Abby, in your opinion, is it wrong for a man to enjoy "girl watching"? -- INTERESTED IN TEXAS

DEAR INTERESTED: I subscribe to the old adage "You can't blame a man for looking" -- as long as he doesn't drool.

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby's "Keepers," P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)