DEAR ABBY: I have read your column every day for a long time, and I need an honest and objective opinion, which I'm sure you will give me.

I am almost 20 and have been married to "Todd" for nearly a year. We have a beautiful 9-month-old daughter named "Claire." We are living with my parents until we can get on our feet.

Todd's mother, stepfather and grandparents all live close by.

My problem: Between my mother and my mother-in-law, at least three times a week, I get comments of some sort on the way we are raising our daughter. I disagree with many of the techniques they used when they were raising children. What seems like advice or ideas to them seems like criticism to me. My mother especially is always saying that I should be doing this or that. Both Mom and my mother-in-law think that because they have been through it, they know what is best for our daughter.

I love our daughter with all my heart and consider myself a good mother. Although Todd's mother and mine did very well raising us, now it's my turn to raise my daughter the way her father and I think is best.

I love Mom and Todd's mother very much, and I have tried to talk to them about constantly giving me advice, but they get defensive and remind me that they have been parents for more than 20 years. Both insist that I should listen to them.

Abby, I know Claire better than anyone else, so shouldn't I know the best way to be a parent to her? -- YOUNG MOTHER IN PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR YOUNG MOTHER: Yes. Now all you need is the courage of your convictions. Stick to your guns and don't be pressured by all the unsolicited advice you're getting. You need not apologize for doing things your way.

DEAR ABBY: I work in a small office, seven women and one man. The holiday tradition is that the boss and his wife host a holiday dinner in their home for the staff. Last year was my first time to attend.

I was taught from childhood that when you go to someone's home for a party, you bring the hostess a gift -- which I did, along with a small gift for their only child. These gifts were not very expensive and our hosts seemed to be appreciative. The staff contributed to a joint gift for the boss.

Upon returning to the office the next work day, I was told by one of the longtime employees, "We don't buy gifts for the boss's wife and daughter." When you work in an environment of female employees, there can be a lot of back-stabbing, which I don't want to be a part of in any way. Now I don't know what to do about this this year. I would feel very awkward arriving empty-handed, and yet I don't want it to look like I'm seeking brownie points.

Although I won't be comfortable with this decision, I won't take a gift this year, but what should I do next year? Help me if you can, please. -- SHOULD ETIQUETTE PREVAIL?

DEAR SHOULD: It is gracious to give the hostess a gift, but in order to avoid conflict with your co-workers, you could send it a day or two after the party. (And though it's also thoughtful to send the child a gift, it's not necessary.)

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I don't know whether this qualifies as an act of kindness or the work of an angel, but here it is:

One Christmas several years ago, my children and I were at my sister's in the country. After the festivities, the kids settled down to watch a movie while we cleaned up the kitchen.

Sometime during the movie, my 8-year-old son, Tim, became bored and slipped outside without anyone noticing. It was one of the coldest winters on record, and Tim wanted to see the ice on the pond some distance from the house.

He slipped, fell through the ice and into the pond, which was about 15 feet deep. He managed to cling to a chunk of ice and scream for help, but he was too far from the house for any of us to hear.

A man driving on the two-lane country road heard Tim's screams. He found my son and managed to pull him to safety with a piece of rope he had in his car.

The man drove Tim to my sister's house, where we immediately ripped off his frozen clothes and put him in the whirlpool bath they had just installed. By the time we returned from the bathroom, the man had disappeared.

That man saved my son's life. To this day, I secretly think he was an angel, but if he was a mortal, I am forced to believe in the universal goodness of humankind.

When I am feeling depressed, I remember that incident. There may be a great deal that's wrong with this country, but there's also a great deal that's right. -- REBECCA WURM, CLUTE, TEXAS

DEAR REBECCA: That was a Christmas miracle if ever I heard one, guardian angel and all.

DEAR ABBY: I hope you will permit me to respond to a recent letter you printed from a reader who complained of problems with blushing and embarrassment, asking what could be done about it.

I was surprised that the advice offered was essentially that nothing could be done for the problem. It sounded to me as though the writer was suffering from symptoms of social phobia, the most common form of anxiety disorder, affecting 14 percent of the population.

Blushing, sweating, trembling or heart palpitations are quite frequent physical signs of this disorder, which is characterized by fear of scrutiny or fear of humiliation/embarrassment in front of others. It can be a disabling and extremely distressing state, about which the medical profession has been largely ignorant.

I should like to point out that there are now several highly effective treatments for social phobia, including anti-depressant and anti-anxiety drugs. Also, non-medication behavioral treatments are effective. Sufferers from social phobia frequently profit by attending a phobia support group, which exists in most communities. -- JONATHAN R.T. DAVIDSON, M.D., DIRECTOR, ANXIETY AND TRAUMATIC STRESS PROGRAM, DUKE UNIVERSITY MEDICAL CENTER

DEAR DR. DAVIDSON: I'm sure that many readers will join me in thanking you for this information. This was news to me, and I'm certain it will be to many others.

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby's "Keepers," P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I am an 82-year-old volunteer at one of our finest hospitals. Over a period of 45 years, I have accumulated 16,300 hours of service. I am enclosing a letter I clipped from a column you wrote in 1979. Please run it again. It would be extremely helpful to all who volunteer their services in hospitals and nursing homes.

Thanking you in advance, I am ... MRS. EDNA S. GREENBERG, TYLER, TEXAS

DEAR MRS. GREENBERG: Congratulations for the number of hours you have served as a hospital volunteer. And thank you for the item you saved from my column. I agree, it's worth a rerun, and here it is:

DEAR ABBY: Do you want to do the hospital volunteers a big favor? Please tell your readers that mail addressed to "Buzz" Jackson, "Skip" Jones or "Tootsie" Brown will probably not be delivered to patients in a hospital.

Nicknames are not recorded on hospital records. The patients are registered under their legal names (first, middle and last). We have no idea who "Liz," "Corky," "Red" or "Junior" is.

Yesterday I looked for "Al Johnson" and found none. However, I did find a "Henry Alvin Johnson." I later learned that the patient called himself "Al" so he wouldn't be confused with his father, who was called "Henry."

So, please print this, Abby. I could cry every time I see a stack of mail that can't be delivered because it is improperly addressed.

And wouldn't you know, the sender never puts a return address on the envelope, either! -- FRUSTRATED IN PHOENIX

DEAR FRUSTRATED: I'll pass the word. I hope it helps.

DEAR ABBY: Several months ago you reprinted a letter from "Open for Suggestions" about a woman who was concerned about her daughter's classmate who came to school dirty. You advised that she contact the teacher, who would then contact the proper authorities.

I know your heart was in the right place, but really Abby, does our first recourse need to be contacting the authorities? I have been a foster parent and know how frightening the authorities can be to a child and a family.

"Open to Suggestions" wanted to talk to the boy's mother. I think she was on the right track. She should have gotten to know the woman as a friend and then made suggestions about the boy's appearance. His parents may have only needed some friendly educating. And of course, if on her first visit it was obvious that the child was neglected, after that she could have spoken to the teacher.

I grew up in a home that was filthy. I often wore the same clothes for days. We rarely washed the sheets, and I had no idea people ever washed floors or windows. But my parents fed and sheltered me. They helped me with schoolwork, marveled at my creations, held me when I cried, remembered my birthday, read me bedtime stories and so much more. The things I learned from them are more valuable than clean clothes. (Later, I learned housekeeping from my mother-in-law.)

These days people don't take the time to know others. If our neighbors are noisy, we call the police. If nearby residents don't mow their lawns, we call city authorities. If a co-worker crosses us, we complain to the boss.

I vote for talking out our differences and calling in help as a last resort. I learned this from my dear parents, who both held master's degrees in the sciences from leading universities -- and from you, Dear Abby. -- A FAITHFUL FAN

CONFIDENTIAL TO THOSE WHO READ ME FAITHFULLY, OCCASIONALLY OR RARELY: Have a merry Christmas. If you're drinking, please don't drive. And if you're driving, please don't drink.

For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)