DEAR ABBY: I lost my virginity in my mid-teens to a young boy who then informed me that he already had a girlfriend. In the 15 years since, I've had dozens of failed relationships. They were all characterized by the same mistake: becoming intimate too quickly!

To cope with the pain, I either jumped into new relationships in order to forget, or abstained from them for years. Alternating between pain and loneliness is not much of a choice.

I'm well-educated and pretty sharp about a lot of things, but I was slow to slow down. While my own painful experiences cannot be erased, perhaps parents and young people can be made more aware that the music, media and the lack of family involvement carry our relationships along at speeds detrimental to our physical, emotional and mental well-being.

Last month I began dating a delightful man. We have spent many hours talking and laughing without revealing more about ourselves than makes us comfortable. And we have done no more than hold hands. It is by far the sweetest relationship I have ever known. -- WISER NOW

DEAR WISER: It takes courage to examine the reasons we behave the way we do, and you are to be commended for it. That which is truly worthwhile requires time and effort.

DEAR ABBY: My husband has a sweet nature, but he talks too much. The older he gets, the more he talks. He's 56, and I'm afraid he's headed for a very lonely old age. Any suggestions? -- CONCERNED WIFE

DEAR WIFE: I could write a sermon on the subject. Allow me to quote from my booklet "How to Be Popular":

"The person who comes into your company and does all the talking is no less a hog than the person who comes to your table and eats all the food. Do not dominate the conversation.

"Don't feel that every moment must be filled with conversation. Take a little time out to think and reflect. Moments of complete silence can be relaxing. Don't interrupt when someone else is talking. It's rude. And if you have to raise your voice to be heard, the chances are nobody will listen to what you have to say anyway.

"Believe it or not, being a good listener will do more for you than being a good talker. If you want to make a hit with someone, ask him or her questions. People enjoy talking about themselves. Give them a chance, and they'll think you are a great conversationalist!"

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I are having a disagreement. We live in a military community and my husband is a retired naval officer. He insists that our 12-year-old daughter address retired and/or active duty military personnel by their rank, e.g., "Lt. Browne."

We have taught her to address adults as Mr., Mrs., Ms. or Dr., but I don't believe it should be extended to ranks in the military. I think it's difficult for her to remember what a person's rank is. What do you think? I told my husband I would write to you and abide by your decision. -- PERPLEXED IN SILVERDALE

DEAR PERPLEXED: I agree with your husband. A 12-year-old (especially the daughter of a naval officer) should have no trouble remembering the rank of her father's fellow officers. And if she is in doubt, she could ask her parents.

For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: My grandsons are 16, 18 and 20 years old, and they all have girlfriends. Each also has his own bedroom.

When I visit my son's house a few times each week, the boys are always in their bedrooms with their girlfriends -- with their doors closed, supposedly listening to music or watching a movie on television. My son and daughter-in-law are either in other rooms, or outside in their pool, and choose not to disturb them.

Abby, knowing teen-agers have raging hormones, I don't think this is a very good policy, but I don't feel it's my place to say anything.

My son and daughter-in-law's attitude is, "Get with it -- this is the '90s," -- whatever that's supposed to mean.

What do you make of this, Abby? -- OLD-FASHIONED GRANDPA

DEAR GRANDPA: I'm "old-fashioned," too. What goes on behind closed doors could be perfectly innocent, but I see no reason why your grandsons can't watch movies or listen to music with their doors open. Young people need some privacy, but too much of a good thing can result in temptations too intense to resist.

Talk to your son and daughter-in-law and share the wisdom of your years by suggesting an "open-door" policy.

DEAR ABBY: When I was in law school, I shared an apartment with three other graduate students who, like me, held part-time jobs and had little time, money, cooking ability or interest in preparing meals. Each of us got his own breakfast and we took turns preparing dinner -- which usually consisted of a canned vegetable, hamburger meat, a baked potato or the like -- and was barely edible. (I lost 25 pounds going through law school.) But no matter how poor the meal was, my roommate "Joe" invariably said, "That was a mighty fine dinner!"

One evening, when the meal I had prepared was even worse than usual and Joe had nevertheless complimented me, I asked, "Joe, you know that food was hardly fit for human consumption. Why do you always say it's good?"

"I come from a family of 11 children," Joe answered. "My mother would spend all afternoon in the kitchen preparing the evening meal. Then, one night when she called us to the table, there was only a plate at each place with a pile of hay on it. My father looked at it and asked her, 'Jessie, what is this hay doing on our plates?' Mother said, 'Oh, you noticed! This is the first time any of you have ever given any indication that you know what was on your plate!'"

"I vowed then and there," Joe added, "that I would always express my appreciation to the person who had prepared my meal."

Ever since then I have followed Joe's example. (Fortunately, I married a great cook as well as the best wife a man ever had.) -- PAUL M. BARNES, GREEN VALLEY, ARIZ.

DEAR PAUL: Thanks for a cute letter, and for the reminder that we should all take a moment to express gratitude for the things we take for granted. I hope you will share this column with your wife. I'm sure she'll appreciate the hearty endorsement.

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: In the past you have encouraged people who are trying to kick their addiction to tobacco to "quit for a day" by participating in the Great American Smokeout. You have given many smokers the inspiration they needed to quit smoking.

This year, we at the American Cancer Society are urging all smokers to stop smoking, and stressing to young people the importance of not starting. Teens and pre-adolescents must be made to understand that there is nothing glamorous about smoking. Smoking and using smokeless tobacco products can, and will, kill them. Our message to kids is: Don't start using tobacco products of any kind!

Abby, please alert your readers to the Great American Smokeout again this year. Thank you for your continued dedication and help in the fight against cancer. -- JUNE K. ROBINSON, M.D., PRESIDENT, ILLINOIS DIVISION, AMERICAN CANCER SOCIETY

DEAR DR. ROBINSON: I'm pleased to announce that tomorrow, Nov. 21, 1996, will mark the American Cancer Society's 20th Annual Great American Smokeout.

DEAR READERS: The Smokeout is a one-day campaign to encourage smokers to quit smoking for 24 hours -- to prove that they can do it. Last year, more than 11 million smokers quit for the day -- that's a giant step in the right direction!

An estimated 450,000 Americans will die from smoking-related diseases in 1996. That means tobacco will claim 51 lives every hour in the United States. An estimated 158,700 of them will die from lung cancer. These numbers are staggering -- more than the combined number of people who will die in one year from alcohol, AIDS, crack, cocaine, murder and fire. The total exceeds the number of U.S. battle deaths in World War II, is eight times the number of those killed in Vietnam, and is 10 times the number who die annually in automobile accidents.

For years I have implored my young readers, "If you smoke, quit now. If you don't smoke, don't start." Unfortunately, today one in five teen-agers smokes, and the number of kids using tobacco is growing. More than 80 percent of smokers report that they started during their teens; every day another 3,000 get hooked. Now I'm urging: "Be smart -- don't start!"

There was a time not too long ago when lung cancer in women was relatively uncommon. However, if women continue to smoke at their current rate, it is estimated that early in the next century more women than men will die of lung cancer.

Does secondhand smoke affect non-smokers? You bet it does! According to a definitive report issued by the U.S. Environmental Protection Agency in 1993, secondhand smoke is a Class A carcinogen on a par with asbestos and radon. The report also showed that children of smokers are more prone to lung problems and allergies than children of non-smokers. Secondhand smoke is also a significant risk factor in Sudden Infant Death Syndrome (SIDS). Therefore, if you are an adult and you must smoke, don't smoke in the presence of children.

My readers tell me that while "cold turkey" is the most difficult, it is the most effective way to kick the habit. Those who need help or want more information about the effects of tobacco may call the local chapter of the American Cancer Society or 1-800-ACS-2345.

So, Dear Readers, if you're hooked on tobacco and have been saying, "One of these days, I'm going to quit," why not join the Great American Smokeout and quit tomorrow? It won't be easy, but it will be the best Thanksgiving gift you can give yourself, and those who love you.

For Abby's favorite family recipes, send a long, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Cookbooklet No. 1, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)