DEAR ABBY: I recently read the letter you received from "Joe -- Not My Real Name," the 23-year-old who doesn't want the responsibility of fatherhood after a "few fun flings" with an older woman who got pregnant.

I found myself in the same situation: Someone else made a decision that would affect me for many years. I, however, made the decision to get involved. I could have just stayed away and grudgingly written child support checks. Instead, I decided to develop a relationship with my child.

The last four years have not been easy, but the difficulties have been worth it. I have my daughter about half the time. She is the most precious thing that has ever come into my life. As far as the child support goes, it's expensive, but the relationship means everything to me, and the rest just doesn't matter now.

I'd like to tell "Joe": You got into the game. You chose to play, and these are the cards you've been dealt. If you fold, you lose. If you play fair, you can win big.

Remember, your baby had no choice in this situation. It is not the baby's fault, so don't punish your child for your decision to have unprotected sex and the decision of the woman to keep the baby. You are a dad now, so do your best to be a good one. The rewards are far greater than the sacrifices. -- A HAPPY DAD IN OREGON

DEAR HAPPY DAD: Your letter was a dandy day-brightener. I hope "Joe" sees it and realizes that his story could also have a happy ending if he looks at his situation from a different perspective and decides to be the father his child deserves.

DEAR ABBY: Applause! Thank you for pointing out to "Knows What I'm Doing" that she is, at 21, too old to be seriously involved with a 16-year-old boy. It is the responsibility of adults to control their own behavior so that they don't put children and adolescents in harmful situations.

Too often people dismiss adult women courting teen-aged boys as something to wink at and joke about, when in fact, in some states it would be considered sexual abuse. Regardless of the laws of the state in which they live, "Ben" is still growing, developing and learning the ins and outs of being an adult. The attention of this 21-year-old woman can distort or interrupt his normal path to adulthood.

If the relationship is based on mutual interests and friendships, then she should be adult enough to allow the young man to reach full maturity before putting him in a sexual situation -- such as being alone with her without supervision.

I would ask "Knows What I'm Doing" to think about herself at the age of 16 and reflect on how much she has grown since then. She should also think about the fact that 16-year-old boys (and some girls that age) still need the protection and guidance parents provide. It was immature and irresponsible for the young woman to put "Ben" in the position of challenging or breaking his parents' rules. -- MARGARET CRITES, EXECUTIVE DIRECTOR, RAPE CRISIS CENTER OF ROBESON COUNTY, LUMBERTON, N.C.

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I are in a heated debate. He believes a candidate always votes for himself (or herself), and would be foolish not to.

I believe that candidates do not vote for themselves out of humility and old-fashioned manners.

Of course, since voting is private, there is no way we could ever find out. We are curious to know how you feel about this issue. -- KERRY REARDON, RIDGEWOOD, N.J.

DEAR KERRY: I cannot imagine anyone who is running for public office voting for the opposition. I would be interested in hearing from those who have run for public office how they cast their ballots.

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby's "Keepers," P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I am constantly amazed at what irks people. Why are we so intolerant? This time, I am referring to "William's Widow in Mesa, Ariz.," who was upset that others were not using her "legal signature" since her husband's death. Why would her legal name be "William"?

When I married, I took my husband's last name, not his first. I have a first name my parents gave me and I am proud to have added my husband's surname to my own. That combination is my "legal name."

I believe that most women of the baby boom generation prefer to be known by their own names. -- MY OWN PERSON

DEAR PERSON: I received many letters from younger women who disagreed with my answer that "only divorced women are addressed as 'Mrs.' followed by their first names. A widow keeps her husband's name until she remarries." Read on:

DEAR ABBY: May I respond to the letter from "William's Widow in Mesa, Ariz."? She wanted to be known as "Mrs. William Jones," not "Mrs. Mae Jones." I was surprised that you agreed with her.

I have been married to a wonderful man for 2 1/2 years, and I was happy to change my maiden name to his. However, my first name is not "Robert," and I do not want to be called "Mrs. Robert Anybody"!

Isn't it enough for women to give up their last names? Must we surrender our first names as well? If so, then I'll have to be branded a breacher of etiquette because I insist on being known, socially and professionally, as "Susan," not "Robert." -- SUSAN IN CHESAPEAKE, VA.

DEAR SUSAN: Traditionally, a widow retains her husband's name, and that custom is supported by the etiquette books. However, in view of the protests I received (which appear to be generational), I hereby revise my answer: A widow should be addressed by the name she prefers. In this matter, her wishes should prevail.

DEAR ABBY: I have a friend who is incredibly self-conscious about her appearance. She is only 30 years old, petite, beautiful (both inside and out), but Abby, she wears so much makeup she looks like a hooker.

Friends have hinted that she doesn't need so much makeup. I have also tried to suggest tactfully that she would look much better if she toned down the cosmetics, but she insists she "needs" it to hide her wrinkles. Abby, she should not worry about the wrinkles -- it's her makeup that ages her by at least 10 years.

Because she is my friend, the comments people make about her bother me. Telling her again is useless, but maybe if she reads this letter in your column she will recognize herself and take the hint. -- A TRUE FRIEND

DEAR TRUE FRIEND: Don't bet on it.

One of the most thankless of all well-meaning gestures is offering a friend unsolicited advice. Instead of criticizing her appearance, ask her to join you in a visit to a department store's cosmetic counter for a makeover to learn the latest makeup "tricks."

If she declines, accept her for the inner qualities that make her special.

For Abby's favorite family recipes, send a long, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Cookbooklet No. 1, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I have taken to heart your suggestions regarding how to help oneself come out of bereavement; that is, to do volunteer work.

My husband died of cancer last March. He was able to remain at home to the end with the help of hospice, which was a godsend.

My parents live on the East Coast and I am way out here on the West Coast, but I have been able to get beyond this with the help of friends and the bereavement support group connected with the hospital. I focused on giving back to society by volunteering at the hospital. Since I work five days a week, I can only do this on Saturday or Sunday, so I am now the receptionist for four hours every Saturday in the intensive care unit.

It has been such a rewarding experience. I have been able to help people simply by being there. At the end of my shift, I feel as though I have been meditating.

I just wanted to let you know that your suggestion to do volunteer work has helped me. -- SHIRLEY IN ELMIRA, ORE.

DEAR SHIRLEY: It gives me great pleasure to know that you were able to lighten your burden because of something you read in my column. Bless you.

DEAR READERS: Many of you responded to Juanita Baker's suggestion that I ask my readers to share unselfish acts of kindness they have experienced. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: When my husband suffered a stroke last year, I needed an extension on the sidewalk next to our home to accommodate his wheelchair. An acquaintance of ours did cement work, so I asked if he'd take the job.

He came in the evenings and worked late, so I know his wife had to delay meals. When he finished, I asked for the bill. He said, "No charge. Maybe you can do a good turn for someone else."

I just stood there and cried. -- DORIS OAKBERG, SACRAMENTO

DEAR ABBY: When Dr. Larry Vancil suffered a cerebral hemorrhage that put him in a coma for weeks and out of his practice for five months, many of his good friends in the dental profession jumped in at a moment's notice and kept his practice going.

These dentists gave up their days off and rearranged their schedules to go to Dr. Vancil's office to treat his patients. What a tremendous loving act of kindness by many! -- CATHY WAYMIRE, FORTVILLE, IND.

DEAR ABBY: Forty years ago, I was a poor student working my way through U.C.-Berkeley. I didn't have enough money to pay my laboratory fees for the courses I wanted to take. Myrtle Mayer, a counselor for young adults in a community church, loaned me the money I needed to stay in school. I kept track of the amount, and when I got a job, I tried to repay Mrs. Mayer. She said, "I didn't miss it ... pass it on."

That has been my motto ever since. "Passing it on" is the best way to repay a kindness. -- ADINA WIENS ROBINSON, TIBURON, CALIF.

DEAR ABBY: When my husband was discharged from the hospital in Newnan, Ga., after surgery, I drove to the front door to pick him up. An aide had wheeled him outside to meet me.

A young man sitting in front of the building called my attention to the flat tire on my car. I had never changed a tire in my life, and my husband was in no condition to change it.

The young man said, "I'll change it for you." As I chatted with him, I learned that he had just visited his father, who was terminally ill. In spite of his own problems, he took time to help a stranger in distress. God bless him! -- CAROL LANDAICHE, PEACHTREE CITY, GA.

DEAR READERS: I plan to share more acts of kindness in the future. Watch this space.

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby's "Keepers," P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)