DEAR ABBY: I am constantly amazed at what irks people. Why are we so intolerant? This time, I am referring to "William's Widow in Mesa, Ariz.," who was upset that others were not using her "legal signature" since her husband's death. Why would her legal name be "William"?

When I married, I took my husband's last name, not his first. I have a first name my parents gave me and I am proud to have added my husband's surname to my own. That combination is my "legal name."

I believe that most women of the baby boom generation prefer to be known by their own names. -- MY OWN PERSON

DEAR PERSON: I received many letters from younger women who disagreed with my answer that "only divorced women are addressed as 'Mrs.' followed by their first names. A widow keeps her husband's name until she remarries." Read on:

DEAR ABBY: May I respond to the letter from "William's Widow in Mesa, Ariz."? She wanted to be known as "Mrs. William Jones," not "Mrs. Mae Jones." I was surprised that you agreed with her.

I have been married to a wonderful man for 2 1/2 years, and I was happy to change my maiden name to his. However, my first name is not "Robert," and I do not want to be called "Mrs. Robert Anybody"!

Isn't it enough for women to give up their last names? Must we surrender our first names as well? If so, then I'll have to be branded a breacher of etiquette because I insist on being known, socially and professionally, as "Susan," not "Robert." -- SUSAN IN CHESAPEAKE, VA.

DEAR SUSAN: Traditionally, a widow retains her husband's name, and that custom is supported by the etiquette books. However, in view of the protests I received (which appear to be generational), I hereby revise my answer: A widow should be addressed by the name she prefers. In this matter, her wishes should prevail.

DEAR ABBY: I have a friend who is incredibly self-conscious about her appearance. She is only 30 years old, petite, beautiful (both inside and out), but Abby, she wears so much makeup she looks like a hooker.

Friends have hinted that she doesn't need so much makeup. I have also tried to suggest tactfully that she would look much better if she toned down the cosmetics, but she insists she "needs" it to hide her wrinkles. Abby, she should not worry about the wrinkles -- it's her makeup that ages her by at least 10 years.

Because she is my friend, the comments people make about her bother me. Telling her again is useless, but maybe if she reads this letter in your column she will recognize herself and take the hint. -- A TRUE FRIEND

DEAR TRUE FRIEND: Don't bet on it.

One of the most thankless of all well-meaning gestures is offering a friend unsolicited advice. Instead of criticizing her appearance, ask her to join you in a visit to a department store's cosmetic counter for a makeover to learn the latest makeup "tricks."

If she declines, accept her for the inner qualities that make her special.

For Abby's favorite family recipes, send a long, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Cookbooklet No. 1, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I have taken to heart your suggestions regarding how to help oneself come out of bereavement; that is, to do volunteer work.

My husband died of cancer last March. He was able to remain at home to the end with the help of hospice, which was a godsend.

My parents live on the East Coast and I am way out here on the West Coast, but I have been able to get beyond this with the help of friends and the bereavement support group connected with the hospital. I focused on giving back to society by volunteering at the hospital. Since I work five days a week, I can only do this on Saturday or Sunday, so I am now the receptionist for four hours every Saturday in the intensive care unit.

It has been such a rewarding experience. I have been able to help people simply by being there. At the end of my shift, I feel as though I have been meditating.

I just wanted to let you know that your suggestion to do volunteer work has helped me. -- SHIRLEY IN ELMIRA, ORE.

DEAR SHIRLEY: It gives me great pleasure to know that you were able to lighten your burden because of something you read in my column. Bless you.

DEAR READERS: Many of you responded to Juanita Baker's suggestion that I ask my readers to share unselfish acts of kindness they have experienced. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: When my husband suffered a stroke last year, I needed an extension on the sidewalk next to our home to accommodate his wheelchair. An acquaintance of ours did cement work, so I asked if he'd take the job.

He came in the evenings and worked late, so I know his wife had to delay meals. When he finished, I asked for the bill. He said, "No charge. Maybe you can do a good turn for someone else."

I just stood there and cried. -- DORIS OAKBERG, SACRAMENTO

DEAR ABBY: When Dr. Larry Vancil suffered a cerebral hemorrhage that put him in a coma for weeks and out of his practice for five months, many of his good friends in the dental profession jumped in at a moment's notice and kept his practice going.

These dentists gave up their days off and rearranged their schedules to go to Dr. Vancil's office to treat his patients. What a tremendous loving act of kindness by many! -- CATHY WAYMIRE, FORTVILLE, IND.

DEAR ABBY: Forty years ago, I was a poor student working my way through U.C.-Berkeley. I didn't have enough money to pay my laboratory fees for the courses I wanted to take. Myrtle Mayer, a counselor for young adults in a community church, loaned me the money I needed to stay in school. I kept track of the amount, and when I got a job, I tried to repay Mrs. Mayer. She said, "I didn't miss it ... pass it on."

That has been my motto ever since. "Passing it on" is the best way to repay a kindness. -- ADINA WIENS ROBINSON, TIBURON, CALIF.

DEAR ABBY: When my husband was discharged from the hospital in Newnan, Ga., after surgery, I drove to the front door to pick him up. An aide had wheeled him outside to meet me.

A young man sitting in front of the building called my attention to the flat tire on my car. I had never changed a tire in my life, and my husband was in no condition to change it.

The young man said, "I'll change it for you." As I chatted with him, I learned that he had just visited his father, who was terminally ill. In spite of his own problems, he took time to help a stranger in distress. God bless him! -- CAROL LANDAICHE, PEACHTREE CITY, GA.

DEAR READERS: I plan to share more acts of kindness in the future. Watch this space.

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby's "Keepers," P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I adopted three children when they were infants. They are in their teens now and have always known they were adopted.

We have told them that if they wanted to know more about their birth mother, we would tell them. All three have said they had no interest in knowing.

Two years ago, out of the blue, I received a letter stating, "I am your daughter's 'real' mother and I would like to see her."

Abby, this letter was addressed to us at our home. (We had been assured by the attorney who handled the adoption that the biological parents would never have this information.)

I feel angry and betrayed.

We have not shared this letter with our daughter but on the day we received it, we asked her again if she wanted to know more about her background. She laughed and said, "Why would I need it?"

Should I take her at her word? I have the feeling this may come up again. What would you do? -- FEELING GUILTY

DEAR FEELING GUILTY: I would be honest and tell my daughter that I had received a letter from her birth mother expressing a desire to meet her. If the girl still has no interest in meeting the woman, I would ask her to write a short letter to that effect. Forward it to the birth mother and request that she not try to contact your daughter again while she's still a minor.

DEAR ABBY: We recently attended the wedding of a grandson of a very dear friend, and sent the couple a lovely gift of china and silver. Imagine our surprise when we received the following thank-you note, which I'm enclosing (I've changed the names):

"Dear Mr. and Mrs. Jones,

"Thanks so much for the beautiful 5PPS and for 5PCP1S. That was very kind of you. Love, Sue and George"

My husband thinks we ought to write Sue and George and ask them what "5PPS" and "5PCP1S" mean, so we can be sure they received the lovely place settings we sent them.

We'd have to ask our friends for the couple's address, and I'd hate to have to tell them about the note. Is this format acceptable nowadays or are we completely out of step? -- DUMBFOUNDED IN NORTH TEXAS

DEAR DUMBFOUNDED: I, too, was dumbfounded, so I called the department store from which you purchased the gift. "5PPS" and "5PCP1S" are the manufacturer's stock codes for the silver and china place settings you sent. I'm sure your gift was received, but whether the carton had been opened and the contents examined at the time the thank-you note was written is debatable.

Don't embarrass the grandparents by calling the note to their attention. But let's hope the couple gain some experience in properly expressing their appreciation before it's time to send them a baby gift.

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)