DEAR ABBY: I have taken to heart your suggestions regarding how to help oneself come out of bereavement; that is, to do volunteer work.

My husband died of cancer last March. He was able to remain at home to the end with the help of hospice, which was a godsend.

My parents live on the East Coast and I am way out here on the West Coast, but I have been able to get beyond this with the help of friends and the bereavement support group connected with the hospital. I focused on giving back to society by volunteering at the hospital. Since I work five days a week, I can only do this on Saturday or Sunday, so I am now the receptionist for four hours every Saturday in the intensive care unit.

It has been such a rewarding experience. I have been able to help people simply by being there. At the end of my shift, I feel as though I have been meditating.

I just wanted to let you know that your suggestion to do volunteer work has helped me. -- SHIRLEY IN ELMIRA, ORE.

DEAR SHIRLEY: It gives me great pleasure to know that you were able to lighten your burden because of something you read in my column. Bless you.

DEAR READERS: Many of you responded to Juanita Baker's suggestion that I ask my readers to share unselfish acts of kindness they have experienced. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: When my husband suffered a stroke last year, I needed an extension on the sidewalk next to our home to accommodate his wheelchair. An acquaintance of ours did cement work, so I asked if he'd take the job.

He came in the evenings and worked late, so I know his wife had to delay meals. When he finished, I asked for the bill. He said, "No charge. Maybe you can do a good turn for someone else."

I just stood there and cried. -- DORIS OAKBERG, SACRAMENTO

DEAR ABBY: When Dr. Larry Vancil suffered a cerebral hemorrhage that put him in a coma for weeks and out of his practice for five months, many of his good friends in the dental profession jumped in at a moment's notice and kept his practice going.

These dentists gave up their days off and rearranged their schedules to go to Dr. Vancil's office to treat his patients. What a tremendous loving act of kindness by many! -- CATHY WAYMIRE, FORTVILLE, IND.

DEAR ABBY: Forty years ago, I was a poor student working my way through U.C.-Berkeley. I didn't have enough money to pay my laboratory fees for the courses I wanted to take. Myrtle Mayer, a counselor for young adults in a community church, loaned me the money I needed to stay in school. I kept track of the amount, and when I got a job, I tried to repay Mrs. Mayer. She said, "I didn't miss it ... pass it on."

That has been my motto ever since. "Passing it on" is the best way to repay a kindness. -- ADINA WIENS ROBINSON, TIBURON, CALIF.

DEAR ABBY: When my husband was discharged from the hospital in Newnan, Ga., after surgery, I drove to the front door to pick him up. An aide had wheeled him outside to meet me.

A young man sitting in front of the building called my attention to the flat tire on my car. I had never changed a tire in my life, and my husband was in no condition to change it.

The young man said, "I'll change it for you." As I chatted with him, I learned that he had just visited his father, who was terminally ill. In spite of his own problems, he took time to help a stranger in distress. God bless him! -- CAROL LANDAICHE, PEACHTREE CITY, GA.

DEAR READERS: I plan to share more acts of kindness in the future. Watch this space.

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby's "Keepers," P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I adopted three children when they were infants. They are in their teens now and have always known they were adopted.

We have told them that if they wanted to know more about their birth mother, we would tell them. All three have said they had no interest in knowing.

Two years ago, out of the blue, I received a letter stating, "I am your daughter's 'real' mother and I would like to see her."

Abby, this letter was addressed to us at our home. (We had been assured by the attorney who handled the adoption that the biological parents would never have this information.)

I feel angry and betrayed.

We have not shared this letter with our daughter but on the day we received it, we asked her again if she wanted to know more about her background. She laughed and said, "Why would I need it?"

Should I take her at her word? I have the feeling this may come up again. What would you do? -- FEELING GUILTY

DEAR FEELING GUILTY: I would be honest and tell my daughter that I had received a letter from her birth mother expressing a desire to meet her. If the girl still has no interest in meeting the woman, I would ask her to write a short letter to that effect. Forward it to the birth mother and request that she not try to contact your daughter again while she's still a minor.

DEAR ABBY: We recently attended the wedding of a grandson of a very dear friend, and sent the couple a lovely gift of china and silver. Imagine our surprise when we received the following thank-you note, which I'm enclosing (I've changed the names):

"Dear Mr. and Mrs. Jones,

"Thanks so much for the beautiful 5PPS and for 5PCP1S. That was very kind of you. Love, Sue and George"

My husband thinks we ought to write Sue and George and ask them what "5PPS" and "5PCP1S" mean, so we can be sure they received the lovely place settings we sent them.

We'd have to ask our friends for the couple's address, and I'd hate to have to tell them about the note. Is this format acceptable nowadays or are we completely out of step? -- DUMBFOUNDED IN NORTH TEXAS

DEAR DUMBFOUNDED: I, too, was dumbfounded, so I called the department store from which you purchased the gift. "5PPS" and "5PCP1S" are the manufacturer's stock codes for the silver and china place settings you sent. I'm sure your gift was received, but whether the carton had been opened and the contents examined at the time the thank-you note was written is debatable.

Don't embarrass the grandparents by calling the note to their attention. But let's hope the couple gain some experience in properly expressing their appreciation before it's time to send them a baby gift.

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I am writing in response to "No More Noxious Ads," who was allergic to perfume samples in women's magazines. I, too, am offended by these pullouts; however, what offends me more is the seemingly unenlightened content in these same publications, and others, at the checkout stands across the country.

Some of the explicit articles now printed in women's magazines remind me of the trash published 20 years ago in Playboy. This kind of garbage disguised as "helpful hints" used to be considered X-rated -- certainly not acceptable in decent company.

Why do these publishers continue to print explicit and shocking attempts to destroy the moral fiber of our nation? As human beings, we should have loftier goals than learning new ways to titillate our already fragile social condition, all to the exclusion of making meaningful leaps forward.

I am not a conservative, religious-right anti-feminist, but I am tired of all the focus on sex these days. Are your other readers similarly irked? Maybe publishers would listen if your mail indicated significant numbers of displeased women looking for a forum. -- D.S. IN KENT, WASH.

DEAR D.S. IN KENT: Publishers of women's magazines that some people find offensive will not listen to me or my readers. They are operating under the assumption that sex sells. They do, however, pay attention to numbers, and only when their circulation shows an impressive decline will they clean up their act.

DEAR ABBY: I am writing to "Oldest Sibling, Too," who was concerned about her first child's reaction to the attention his new sister was receiving.

I am the mother of two children who are 18 months apart in age. When we were expecting baby No. 2, I made a point of reminding family members and close friends that our son was too young to understand a lot of extra attention being given to a new baby. After all, "Nicole" was not used to the attention that is heaped on small children, but "Andrew" was. This helped remind them to be more considerate of his feelings while admiring the new addition.

While on shopping trips and outings, people often stopped to comment on the new baby. Many times Andrew was asked questions about his sister. However, when he was overlooked, I made the effort for him to be included by encouraging him to reply to simple questions. For instance, if they asked the name of the baby, I would in turn ask Andrew if he could tell the nice people his sister's name. I believe this helped keep him from taking a back seat to the new baby, as well as helping develop his vocabulary.

Andrew is now 5 and Nicole is 3 1/2. They are extremely close and have no problems with sibling rivalry. Andrew is very protective, and he now tries to include Nicole if someone leaves her out of a conversation. -- PROUD MOTHER, LOS ANGELES

DEAR PROUD MOTHER: You have every right to be proud. Nipping the inevitable sibling rivalry in the bud is no easy task. Other mothers should take a page out of your book. Congratulations.

For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)