DEAR ABBY: I am hoping that you will be able to answer a question that has been bothering me for years. What is a "gay lifestyle"?

I am a 40-year-old gay male and don't have a clue as to what a gay lifestyle is. My life partner, David, and I have been together 15 years and have jointly adopted three special-needs children. We live in the suburbs in a middle-class neighborhood, at the end of a cul-de-sac. Like most of our gay and lesbian friends, we don't smoke, drink alcohol or go to bars. Our children go to public school with the rest of the children in the neighborhood.

Once a friend told me what he thought was a gay lifestyle, but by the sound of it, he was describing a single's lifestyle, gay or straight. Is that what some people mean, that is, a gay lifestyle is synonymous with a single lifestyle?

If there is such a thing as a gay lifestyle, doesn't that automatically mean that there is a "heterosexual lifestyle"? And if this is true, what is a heterosexual lifestyle? I have sincerely been asking people and no one has been able to give me an answer. -- MICHAEL SERKIN-POOLE, BELLEVUE, WASH.

DEAR MICHAEL: Fair questions. In Eric Marcus' informative book "Is It a Choice?" (HarperSanFrancisco), he answers this way: "After watching countless news reports and occasional documentaries over the years about gay people -- gay men, mostly -- the most popular image of gay life that has been seared into the minds of most Americans is the urban, single nightlife led by some gay men -- and plenty of straight people as well -- during the 1970s.

"As hard as it might be to believe, there is no such thing as a 'gay lifestyle,' just as there is no such thing as a heterosexual lifestyle. Gay and lesbian people, like heterosexual people, live in a variety of ways, from poor to middle-class to nouveau riche, from urban to rural."

DEAR ABBY: I am writing in response to the opinion of "Ex-Waitress," who apparently has a problem when a good server approaches her on a personal level.

When someone (anyone, anywhere), even the "person who has been hired to serve her," tells her that her "hair is pretty" or "that's a beautiful blouse," offense should be the last thing that crosses her mind. Helllooo!!! She has just been given a compliment on her great taste -- not a conversation, just a compliment; that's it.

I have been a waitress for 12 years and I love my job. It's the most enjoyable work I have ever done. The money's good, too, thanks to the many customers who don't penalize their server when they receive a compliment. Should I take offense when a customer likes my hair? No, I shouldn't.

My tip to "Ex-Waitress": Either stay home and eat, or try a vending machine. Then there will be no conversation that may offend her. With such an unpleasant attitude, it's no wonder she's an ex-waitress. -- A HAPPY AND FRIENDLY WAITRESS, LAKELAND, FLA.

DEAR HAPPY WAITRESS: Your "tip" to "Ex-Waitress" is probably one of the most valuable tips she'll ever receive. Let's hope she takes it.

DEAR ABBY: I call my sister in another state very often because of an illness in her family. When things are particularly bad, I call her every night.

These calls are quite expensive for me, and my sister has no consideration about the length of time she talks. She will gab on and on about her neighbors and incidents that I really don't care about when it's on my dime. It would be boring to me even if I lived around the corner from her.

If I remind her that this is long distance and I'm hearing a lot about nothing instead of what's going on with the sick relative, she gets highly insulted and calls me "cheap."

I care about the ailing family member and will continue to call, but how can I reduce the expense and aggravation and get my sister to be more considerate? -- PALM SPRINGS SISTER

DEAR PALM SPRINGS SISTER: Tell your sister at the beginning of the call that you have only a couple of minutes to find out how her relative is doing, and that you'll talk longer another time.

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR READERS: Over the past three weeks, I have devoted each Wednesday's column entirely to the intelligent and heartfelt responses I've received since I asked readers to tell me how they just said "no" to sex. Today's is the last in this series.

DEAR ABBY: How should a girl diplomatically say "no"? She can say, "Take me home and we'll see if it's OK with my parents." Or, "Let's wait until I get my blood test back." Both suggestions should cool the young man's ardor.

But if the situation has progressed so far that sex is the next step, the girl has already gone far beyond the point where she should have said no, and there's no longer a way to be diplomatic or pleasant. I offer some suggestions on what to say then, and the young lady should speak loud and clear: "Take me home. What's the matter with you? My daddy will make you a soprano!" "When were you last checked for a sexually transmitted disease?" "Did you know my father likes to come out here and see who's making out?"

I hope these suggestions prove helpful. Hang in there, Abby. You make the world a better place. I'm an avid fan, but please don't print my name. I'm ... A (MALE) DENTIST IN MISSOURI

DEAR ABBY: Our daughter has given "promise rings" to her three daughters. Each ring was presented on an evening when one of the boyfriends was present. When each girl accepted it, she made a promise to her parents, to us (her grandparents) and to God that she would not have sex before marriage. They never take the ring off.

Perhaps this is simplistic, but a girl can display her ring and repeat the promise she made, should the need arise. -- GERI WALTMAN, GRAND MEADOW, MINN.

DEAR ABBY: I'm 24 years old. I've been pregnant and have also had an STD. I know firsthand how difficult it is to say "no." It's not a matter of being rude. It's a fear of not being liked if you don't have sex, not being aggressive enough to refuse, and wanting someone to make you feel "loved." Abby, it's scary to say no, especially if you have low self-esteem. But I've finally learned to do it.

Sometimes I still feel self-conscious -- and scared, too. But that's natural. What's not natural is being 16 or 17 or 18 and being alone and pregnant or having AIDS.

It's OK to be rude if you have to be, and it's also OK to say "no." If you feel like you can't say "no, that's when you have to muster up your self-confidence and say, "Who cares if this person doesn't like me? I like myself and care enough about myself enough to refuse!" -- SAY YES TO YOURSELF IN MINNESOTA

DEAR ABBY: My advice to women and girls who want to avoid unwanted sexual encounters: Tell them up front that you're not ready for sex. Avoid sexual situations. Stay out of bedrooms, back seats and dark corners. Use your head and stick with the group. Don't use alcohol or drugs, or the drug will be making the decision -- not you. Be as rude as you have to be and don't worry about it! Your long-range plans for yourself are important -- and they'll be better served if you are tagged "rude" rather than "easy."

Listen to me: I made every mistake in the book, and my children and I paid a terrible price for it. You young women are our future. You are beautiful. You are important. Your lives are worthwhile. Take care of your lives and the children you will someday have. Please! -- LEARNED THE HARD WAY.

DEAR READERS: Thank you for your eloquent and caring letters. I was touched by how many of you wrote to share your experiences in the hope that they might help someone else. I regret that space limitations prevent me from printing them all.

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I am a 66-year-old married man. My wife and I were childhood sweethearts and have been married for 46 years.

Six years ago, she developed Alzheimer's disease and has been in a nursing home for the last year.

Even though she does not recognize me or our children, I have gone to visit her every day, until six months ago when I reduced it to twice a week because she had no idea who I was, which I found very depressing.

The nursing staff and my children noticed my depression and encouraged me to "break away." As I reduced my visits, I wound up with a guilty conscience that is difficult to cope with.

My children have encouraged me to seek female companionship, something I had longed for, but I was concerned about what others would think.

However, for the last four months I have been romantically involved with a 62-year-old neighbor lady whose husband died nine years ago. We have taken a few trips together. My children and brothers and sisters enthusiastically approve of our relationship and say they have noticed a positive change in me.

Abby, my guilt feelings have increased even though I haven't changed my visiting routine to the nursing home. I would greatly appreciate your comments on my situation. -- TORN IN OLYMPIA, WASH.

DEAR TORN: I can understand your feelings of guilt. Fate has placed you between a rock and a hard place. You are a married man with an absentee wife.

A psychiatrist, psychologist, grief counselor or clergyperson could help you absolve those feelings.

If there is an Alzheimer's support group in your area, join it. There are thousands of support groups for caregivers of Alzheimer's patients, and the national office of the Alzheimer's Association (1-800-272-3900) will be happy to refer you.

Incidentally, on Oct. 5 and 6 in more than 200 communities, the Alzheimer's Association will hold its 1996 Memory Walk, the only nationwide event for Alzheimer's disease, to raise funds for caregiver programs.

DEAR ABBY: I am 36 years old and my husband is 38. We have been married three years. This is a second marriage for both of us, and I consider myself the luckiest woman in the world.

I have never had children but my husband has one -- a 10-year-old son who is living with his mother in another state.

Abby, I am tired of being asked, "When are you two going to have a family?"

I honestly do not want children and my husband doesn't want children -- in fact he had a vasectomy shortly after his son was born.

What do you tell people who keep asking, "When are you two going to have a family?" -- SICK OF IT

DEAR SICK OF IT: Use the "Dear Abby" response when you are asked a question you don't want to answer:

"If you'll forgive me for not answering, I'll forgive you for asking."

DEAR ABBY: My father-in-law is basically a nice person, but after 20 years, he has yet to recognize me as a person. I am simply "Ken's wife."

I have been a very conscientious daughter-in-law, remembering all the special occasions, Father's Day, his birthday, etc. But despite my efforts he still treats me like I am invisible.

Each Christmas, he presents my husband with a nice check (in front of me). It is in an envelope bearing Ken's name. I try to ignore the slight, but each time I feel that I have been slapped in the face.

Abby, am I being petty? Or do I have a point? -- SENSITIVE CANADIAN

DEAR CANADIAN: You are not being "petty" and you do have a point. Your father-in-law is incredibly insensitive. Your husband should "educate" him in the social graces. He should remind his Dad that you have a name.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)