DEAR ABBY: I am a 66-year-old married man. My wife and I were childhood sweethearts and have been married for 46 years.

Six years ago, she developed Alzheimer's disease and has been in a nursing home for the last year.

Even though she does not recognize me or our children, I have gone to visit her every day, until six months ago when I reduced it to twice a week because she had no idea who I was, which I found very depressing.

The nursing staff and my children noticed my depression and encouraged me to "break away." As I reduced my visits, I wound up with a guilty conscience that is difficult to cope with.

My children have encouraged me to seek female companionship, something I had longed for, but I was concerned about what others would think.

However, for the last four months I have been romantically involved with a 62-year-old neighbor lady whose husband died nine years ago. We have taken a few trips together. My children and brothers and sisters enthusiastically approve of our relationship and say they have noticed a positive change in me.

Abby, my guilt feelings have increased even though I haven't changed my visiting routine to the nursing home. I would greatly appreciate your comments on my situation. -- TORN IN OLYMPIA, WASH.

DEAR TORN: I can understand your feelings of guilt. Fate has placed you between a rock and a hard place. You are a married man with an absentee wife.

A psychiatrist, psychologist, grief counselor or clergyperson could help you absolve those feelings.

If there is an Alzheimer's support group in your area, join it. There are thousands of support groups for caregivers of Alzheimer's patients, and the national office of the Alzheimer's Association (1-800-272-3900) will be happy to refer you.

Incidentally, on Oct. 5 and 6 in more than 200 communities, the Alzheimer's Association will hold its 1996 Memory Walk, the only nationwide event for Alzheimer's disease, to raise funds for caregiver programs.

DEAR ABBY: I am 36 years old and my husband is 38. We have been married three years. This is a second marriage for both of us, and I consider myself the luckiest woman in the world.

I have never had children but my husband has one -- a 10-year-old son who is living with his mother in another state.

Abby, I am tired of being asked, "When are you two going to have a family?"

I honestly do not want children and my husband doesn't want children -- in fact he had a vasectomy shortly after his son was born.

What do you tell people who keep asking, "When are you two going to have a family?" -- SICK OF IT

DEAR SICK OF IT: Use the "Dear Abby" response when you are asked a question you don't want to answer:

"If you'll forgive me for not answering, I'll forgive you for asking."

DEAR ABBY: My father-in-law is basically a nice person, but after 20 years, he has yet to recognize me as a person. I am simply "Ken's wife."

I have been a very conscientious daughter-in-law, remembering all the special occasions, Father's Day, his birthday, etc. But despite my efforts he still treats me like I am invisible.

Each Christmas, he presents my husband with a nice check (in front of me). It is in an envelope bearing Ken's name. I try to ignore the slight, but each time I feel that I have been slapped in the face.

Abby, am I being petty? Or do I have a point? -- SENSITIVE CANADIAN

DEAR CANADIAN: You are not being "petty" and you do have a point. Your father-in-law is incredibly insensitive. Your husband should "educate" him in the social graces. He should remind his Dad that you have a name.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I am asking you to please help us alert all Americans about the danger of children becoming involved with drugs. The best preventative is for parents to take the time to consistently talk to their children about drugs, alcohol and tobacco from the time they are old enough to understand. I can think of no better way to get this important message before the public than your column, and that's why I hope you'll print my letter to parents. -- GEN. BARRY MC CAFFREY (RET.), DIRECTOR, OFFICE OF NATIONAL DRUG CONTROL POLICY

DEAR GEN. MC CAFFREY: It is a pleasure to help spread the word. Your vital message is one that all parents should take to heart:

DEAR PARENTS: As your children begin this new school year, take the time to talk to them about the dangers posed by illegal drugs, alcohol and tobacco.

Some questions and answers to get you started discussing these topics with your children:

-- Why should you avoid illegal drugs like cocaine, heroin, marijuana, methamphetamine and LSD? Because your central nervous system is still developing. If you use these drugs, you risk impairing that development and causing permanent brain damage.

Psychoactive drugs affect your brain and impair judgment. Under their influence, you are more likely to endanger your life or a friend's. You will be less able to protect yourself from physical or sexual assault.

These drugs are addictive. You are not in control of how they affect you. You could become dependent on them very quickly. Smoking marijuana is illegal and a possible gateway to more dangerous drugs. A 12-year-old who smokes marijuana is 79 times as likely to have an addictive problem later in life as a non-marijuana-using child.

-- Why should you avoid alcohol (including beer, wine, wine coolers and mixed drinks)? Because alcohol is the second leading cause of preventable death in our nation, claiming more than 100,000 lives a year.

Adolescents are twice as likely to be involved in a fatal, alcohol-related crash as adults.

Half of sexual assault and date-rape cases involve alcohol.

Alcohol-related driving accidents, violence and suicide are the three greatest causes of death among American youth.

Drinking is illegal if you are under 21.

-- Why shouldn't you smoke cigarettes? Because nicotine is the leading cause of preventable death in our nation, claiming more than 400,000 lives a year.

Each day another 3,000 kids will begin smoking. One-third of them will probably have their lives shortened as a result.

Children who smoke cigarettes are 5.9 times more likely to use other illegal drugs. A 1994 study by Columbia University's Center for Alcohol and Substance Abuse found that 83 percent of those who used cocaine identified smoking cigarettes as a gateway behavior.

It is important to speak CONSISTENTLY to your children about these dangerous drugs throughout the year, not just at the beginning of the school year. About one in 10 of our children aged 12 to 17 are now using illegal drugs. They do not understand the associated risks. You can help your children appreciate what's at stake if they smoke cigarettes, drink alcohol or use illegal drugs. If you don't, your child is more likely to risk his or her mental and physical health.

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby's "Keepers," P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: My father died when I was 10. My world spun out of control for a few years because I had lost my hero -- the man I most admired. Since I wanted to grow up to be like my dad, I was always looking for someone like him to be my friend. Fortunately, I was blessed with several who served as mentors and taught me what my dad would have had he lived.

Today, I am 51, and while I mentor others, I am still very close to two mentors of my own. May I pass on some advice from one who transformed the quality of my life and my mother's too:

I have the best mom in the world. She's tough as a water buffalo, opinionated, thinks I could have been president and still nags me to eat more vegetables.

Three years ago, my mentor suggested I call my mother every day just to hear her voice, to let her hear mine, to hear about her day -- and tell her that I love her.

I eat one meal a week with Mom, usually dinner, but sometimes lunch or breakfast. This past week, I didn't get a chance to share a meal with her, and since she was leaving town Friday morning with an elderly friend, I drove over to see her Thursday night. While there, she asked me to review her map from AAA, and we spent about 20 minutes looking it over. Before I left, Mom told me how relieved she was that we had looked over the route and that I knew where she was going.

The last time I was there, I changed two batteries in her garage door opener, and the time before, I used the blower to clean out her garage and she served me a delicious pot roast.

Today I have a priceless relationship with my mom, thanks to the advice of my mentor. I'm as attentive to her as my father would be if he were alive -- I am indeed my father's son.

Diana Ross was right. You can reach out and touch someone, and in so doing, change their world -- and yours too. -- A DEVOTED SON, PHOENIX

DEAR DEVOTED SON: Those who spread joy invariably reap a good measure for themselves.

DEAR ABBY: About the husband who phoned his wife's boss to say she would not be in that day due to a death in the family: When asked who died, he stammered, and it was obvious he didn't know. I can beat that.

The New York City Department of Corrections gives its officers three days of paid "bereavement" time. Since no one checks up, and the policy is so generous, relatives drop like flies. (Always during the holidays or when beautiful weather is forecast.)

One guy I work with has had the worst luck imaginable. This spring his mother died for the fourth time in seven years. I'm not kidding. -- C.O. IN STATEN ISLAND, N.Y.

DEAR C.O.: My condolences to the officer who lost his mother -- again. But someone should warn this guy that by the time her ninth life is over, the personnel department may have learned to add. The Department of Corrections should be using only the most efficient time-management techniques, at least for those uniformed men and women on the right side of the bars.

For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)