DEAR ABBY: Ever since my fiance and I became engaged six months ago, something has been bugging me. I'm 19 years old, and the man I love with all my heart is 20.

We plan to be married sometime next spring. Meanwhile, whenever I tell people our marriage plans, instead of offering congratulations, most respond by asking, "How old are you?" Abby, I think this is extremely rude and insensitive. Worse yet, when I say that I'm 19 and my fiance is 20, I usually receive another rude comment such as, "Tsk, tsk ... you are so young!"

Abby, how should I respond to such insensitive remarks? In my opinion our ages should not be an issue, since neither one of us is a minor. -- IRRITATED

DEAR IRRITATED: Please don't be too hard on those who ask your age. You obviously look much younger than you are.

When people say, "Tsk, tsk, you are so young!" smile and reply, "Thank you." Then take pleasure in the knowledge that you will probably always look younger than your years, which will be an advantage as you grow older. Trust me.

DEAR ABBY: As a young woman, I was considered very beautiful and had so many suitors that it was difficult to choose. All of my husbands (I had several) were aggressive and successful. Although they pursued me with a vengeance, I never felt that any of them loved the "real" me. I was treated like a trophy to be shown off -- but not a person with needs. Had I been happy in any of those superficial relationships, I could have remained in any of the marriages.

Middle age has been such a blessing. I now have the loving relationship that eluded me in my youth. My present husband met me when I turned 40. Although I'm still considered attractive, I'm too old to stop traffic. But he loves me for myself.

I was always a good and loving person, but now, at last, I'm judged by my character and accomplishments -- not my face and figure. -- HAPPY AT LAST

DEAR HAPPY: You have written a thought-provoking letter. Has it occurred to you that with each of your failed marriages you grew, until in middle age YOU were sufficiently wise to choose a husband who was not seduced by appearances?

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I were recently invited to the wedding of family friends.

The couple was registered at one of the best stores here, so we sent what we considered an appropriate gift. We attended their wedding (which was very beautiful), then went to the reception at a nearby facility where we were greeted with a cash bar! Only the soft drinks were complimentary.

Abby, please tell me, are we out of touch, or is this being done now? -- CONFUSED IN CONNECTICUT

DEAR CONFUSED: Obviously, since these people did it, it is "being done." Had you asked me, "Is it proper?" I would have replied, "No."

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I'm a 21-year-old college student with a lot of ambitions. I don't smoke, drink or use any drugs. My boyfriend, "John," is 18. We've been together for 2 1/2 years and are very happy. We plan to be married someday. He's my best friend.

The problem is that he smokes pot almost daily, and he drinks occasionally, too. I knew he did this when we got together. In fact, I did it too, but I stopped. This really bothers me because he often puts me second to going out to party with his friends.

When I talk to him about it, John thinks I'm overreacting. I also worry about him because his father is an alcoholic, even though John didn't grow up in that environment and swears he won't screw up his life like his father did. I am beginning to wonder how much control he has over his lifestyle.

I'm very much in love with John and want to spend the rest of my life with him. Do you think this is just a phase that he'll grow out of? I don't know what to do. Please help me. -- SAD IN NEW YORK

DEAR SAD: The fact that your boyfriend prefers to party with his friends rather than go out with you speaks volumes. It says that he cares more about his friends and his drugs than he does you, and indicates how immature he is.

Although he does not intend for his drinking to get out of hand, because he is the child of an alcoholic, there is a good chance that it could before he realizes it. And if it does, he will undoubtedly try to rationalize his usage so that he can continue with his addiction.

Some say that marijuana is not addictive. But if it's not, then why do so many people continue using it long after they should have stopped? When it's used daily, pot affects judgment, short-term memory and the ability to concentrate.

Before you make a lifetime commitment to John, I urge you to learn all you can about drug and alcohol addiction. It could save you a world of heartache. Call the CSAP hotline (the Center for Substance Abuse) at 1-800-662-4357 for information about drug and alcohol addiction and/or referral to your local help agency.

DEAR ABBY: My husband was ill for many years, but we maintained a large circle of social and professional friends until his death. We were happily married for 58 years and four months.

Now I find myself addressed as "Mrs. Mae Jones" or "Mae Jones." This happens even when I receive mail from family members. My legal signature has not changed, and I'd still prefer to be known socially and professionally as "Mrs. William C. Jones."

I'm sure that many other widows besides me would appreciate guidance in this delicate area, since so many people make this frustrating mistake. -- WILLIAM'S WIDOW IN MESA, ARIZ.

DEAR W.W.: I have mentioned this in my column before, but here's the answer. Photocopy this item and send it to the offenders with a courteous note:

Only divorced women are addressed as "Mrs." followed by their first names. A widow keeps her husband's name until she remarries.

DEAR ABBY: You were right on the mark when you explained that birth control pills can be used for purposes other than contraception.

I'm a 35-year-old virgin. Before I started on the pill two years ago, I had spent years dealing with disabling menstrual cramps accompanied by flu-like symptoms that interfered with my ability to work. It lasted an entire week of every month.

Thanks to the pill, my productive life is no longer confined to three-week intervals, and the pain is a thing of the past. If only people would stop jumping to conclusions.

Thank you for setting the record straight. -- ON THE PILL BUT NOT PROMISCUOUS

For Abby's favorite family recipes, send a long, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Cookbooklet No. 1, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: My mother's 80th birthday was last September. She asked me to bake her a pound cake. I decorated it like a giant sunflower, and it turned out beautifully. I took several pictures of the cake, then I got busy with the food and got only one bad picture of Mama. (She didn't like having her picture taken anyway.)

Abby, Mama died four months later, and now every time I look at those pictures I realize how unimportant the cake was. I should have made sure to get a good picture of Mama.

I have two pieces of advice: When someone wants to take your picture, don't run away or hide your face. Even if you are having a bad hair day or you've gained 20 pounds, you are still beautiful to the people who love you.

If you're behind the camera, make sure you take pictures of the important subjects. I can make another cake, but I can never take another picture of Mama. -- MISSED MY LAST CHANCE IN ROCKWELL, N.C.

DEAR MISSED: Don't be so hard on yourself. You will never know how many people will benefit from your experience because you took the time to write, admitting your regrets.

DEAR ABBY: My friend "Bonnie" came for a weekend at my cottage. She brought with her two plain wicker baskets and said, "I know you won't mind decorating them for me -- just charge me for the materials." I agreed.

The first basket was quite large and the supplies cost me $32. She reimbursed me three weeks later.

Two weeks ago, I called Bonnie to ask what colors she wanted me to use for the smaller basket. She seemed to be in a bad mood and said, "Don't bother decorating it -- just throw it out." Thinking that would be wasteful, I bought some flowers and ribbon and decorated it to match my kitchen.

Last night Bonnie dropped by for a visit, and when she saw the basket decorated beautifully with flowers, she picked it up and claimed it as hers. I reminded her that she had told me to toss it out because she didn't want it, and she looked at me like I was crazy. She said the basket matched her decor, and she loved it. Then she kissed me good night and walked away with the basket and said, "Send me a bill!"

Abby, this woman brought over some photographs she had taken of my beloved deceased cat. When I said, "Thank you -- what a thoughtful gift," she informed me that she wasn't giving them to me. She returned them to her purse and said, "Oh, I lost the negatives. Sorry."

My husband thinks I should have pulled the flowers off the basket before she took it. My sister said I should send her a bill for the retail value of the flower arrangement. If I followed their advice, Bonnie would never speak to me again. How would you have handled it? -- NONREACTIVE IN JERSEY

DEAR NONREACTIVE: I would have told Bonnie that she couldn't have the basket because I had decorated her throwaway to match MY decor, not hers. And I wouldn't have worried about her not speaking to me again, because from that point on I would have avoided her.

For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)