DEAR ABBY: My mother's 80th birthday was last September. She asked me to bake her a pound cake. I decorated it like a giant sunflower, and it turned out beautifully. I took several pictures of the cake, then I got busy with the food and got only one bad picture of Mama. (She didn't like having her picture taken anyway.)

Abby, Mama died four months later, and now every time I look at those pictures I realize how unimportant the cake was. I should have made sure to get a good picture of Mama.

I have two pieces of advice: When someone wants to take your picture, don't run away or hide your face. Even if you are having a bad hair day or you've gained 20 pounds, you are still beautiful to the people who love you.

If you're behind the camera, make sure you take pictures of the important subjects. I can make another cake, but I can never take another picture of Mama. -- MISSED MY LAST CHANCE IN ROCKWELL, N.C.

DEAR MISSED: Don't be so hard on yourself. You will never know how many people will benefit from your experience because you took the time to write, admitting your regrets.

DEAR ABBY: My friend "Bonnie" came for a weekend at my cottage. She brought with her two plain wicker baskets and said, "I know you won't mind decorating them for me -- just charge me for the materials." I agreed.

The first basket was quite large and the supplies cost me $32. She reimbursed me three weeks later.

Two weeks ago, I called Bonnie to ask what colors she wanted me to use for the smaller basket. She seemed to be in a bad mood and said, "Don't bother decorating it -- just throw it out." Thinking that would be wasteful, I bought some flowers and ribbon and decorated it to match my kitchen.

Last night Bonnie dropped by for a visit, and when she saw the basket decorated beautifully with flowers, she picked it up and claimed it as hers. I reminded her that she had told me to toss it out because she didn't want it, and she looked at me like I was crazy. She said the basket matched her decor, and she loved it. Then she kissed me good night and walked away with the basket and said, "Send me a bill!"

Abby, this woman brought over some photographs she had taken of my beloved deceased cat. When I said, "Thank you -- what a thoughtful gift," she informed me that she wasn't giving them to me. She returned them to her purse and said, "Oh, I lost the negatives. Sorry."

My husband thinks I should have pulled the flowers off the basket before she took it. My sister said I should send her a bill for the retail value of the flower arrangement. If I followed their advice, Bonnie would never speak to me again. How would you have handled it? -- NONREACTIVE IN JERSEY

DEAR NONREACTIVE: I would have told Bonnie that she couldn't have the basket because I had decorated her throwaway to match MY decor, not hers. And I wouldn't have worried about her not speaking to me again, because from that point on I would have avoided her.

For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: While riding in the funeral procession to bury my grandmother, my family noticed that a Texan had stopped, turned on his headlights and held his five-gallon hat to his chest. Abby, he was driving a loaded 18-wheeler! God bless him.

Our garbage collector usually pulls into our driveway to turn around. But if I've forgotten to set my garbage out, he will honk to remind me and wait for me to bring it.

Our mail carrier is a sweetheart -- always careful to place our packages where they won't get wet.

These folks go above and beyond to make the lives of others easier. How I wish I could say the same about the next-door neighbors we got when we moved here from out of state last year. They are tough nuts to crack, but I hope they'll eventually warm up to us new folks, as our last neighbors did.

Whatever happened to taking a cake over and introducing yourself to the newcomers? Simple courtesies make a big difference. -- THE NEW NEIGHBORS IN INDUSTRY, PA.

DEAR NEW NEIGHBORS: The custom of "taking a cake" may have begun to die around the time that love beads came in and "kaffee klatches" went out. I found only one reference to "welcoming the neighbors" in any of my etiquette books, and even that one makes no reference to pastry. "The Amy Vanderbilt Complete Book of Etiquette, Entirely Rewritten and Updated" by Nancy Tuckerman and Nancy Dunnan (Doubleday, 1995) states that new neighbors should be welcomed, "... by dropping them a note introducing yourself and offering to help them in any way you can."

Since the Welcome Wagon seems to be running behind schedule in your neighborhood, take a moment to look at your predicament from a different cultural point of view:

DEAR ABBY: I have been an avid fan for many years. A letter in your column a few weeks ago from long-suffering neighbors who had been ignored for 25 years, and your reply, "Nothing separates like silence ..." brings to mind a local custom that is deeply rooted in Japanese social behavior.

Upon moving to a new residence, the newcomer will soon offer his closest neighbors a token friendship gift of food, flowers or fruit. A suitable token gift will always be returned in a few days with a smile and a few kind words.

I have lived in Japan for 22 of my 65 years, have moved many times and have never lived next door to inhospitable neighbors. The key seems to be to knock on their door; do not wait for them to knock on yours. -- WILLIAM H. LEWIS, OKINAWA, JAPAN

DEAR MR. LEWIS (AND NEW NEIGHBORS IN INDUSTRY CITY, PA.): Sound advice, indeed. Sometimes waiting for someone else to make the first move can be the longest wait in the world.

YOUR CHUCKLE FOR THE DAY: The man with the best job in the country is the vice president. All he has to do is get up every morning and say, "How's the president?" -- WILL ROGERS (1879-1935)

For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I recently married "Ed," who is 16 years older than I am. I am 34.

My problem is his 2-year-old son, "Andy," whose mother died in childbirth. This child rules our home! He's been sleeping with his father since birth. I bought a crib for Andy, but Ed refuses to put him in it. He says that since Andy's mother died, the child needs to be close to someone to be assured that he is loved.

I put Andy in his crib and he rolls over and goes right to sleep, but after I go to work, Ed moves him to our bed. (I work the graveyard shift.) When I come home, there is Andy on my side of the bed, sleeping soundly. After he wakes up, I go to bed, but when naptime comes, Ed puts Andy in bed with me where he plays, talks, pulls my hair, etc.

Ed allow this kid to wreck the house. He also allows him to have the say about what he eats, what he wants to do or wear. Andy sits on his dad's lap a lot during his waking hours, and if I come near him, he bites or scratches me. His father doesn't scold him for such behavior.

When Ed is at work and I care for Andy, he is a different child. He picks up his toys, eats what I prepare for him and sleeps in his crib. I have let him know his limitations with me, but he also knows I love him.

Abby, how do I get my husband to see what he is doing to our relationship? We can't even make love without Andy crawling over the bed and laughing until we stop. Then Ed rolls over and cuddles his son while I lie alone. -- TEARFUL IN TENNESSEE

DEAR TEARFUL: Your husband is overdoing the role of good daddy. Andy has already learned how to maneuver himself into the position of "man of the house." If this continues, the problem will become unmanageable. Ed needs counseling to realize that he has an obligation not only to be a good father, but also to be a good husband.

DEAR ABBY: What do you do about a dog who barks and growls at every visitor who comes to the house?

Every time the doorbell rings, my dog growls viciously at the intruder. She's a Lhasa apso, a breed that originated in Tibet as guard dogs. I dislike scolding her for acting on instinct, but even I have to admit that my dog's bark is very threatening.

My parents are tired of my dog's bad manners, and I don't blame them one bit.

What should I do? -- DOESN'T NEED A GUARD DOG

DEAR DOESN'T NEED A GUARD DOG: Call a local veterinarian and find out where obedience training is available.

Your library may have a video on obedience training, but with such a high-strung breed, you will probably need a professional to help you train her.

CONFIDENTIAL TO 'TALKED ABOUT' IN NEW ORLEANS: Keep your character in mint condition and your reputation will take care of itself.

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)