DEAR ABBY: I have a problem that I am unable to come to grips with and hope that you can offer me some advice. I am a 35-year-old married mother of three. I have a solid marriage and a good family life. We are a religious couple who attend church regularly, do not drink alcohol or use tobacco, and refrain from using vulgar language.

My husband works for the city in a 24-hour plant that is manned by all males in a situation where work space is shared by all. Some of the men have taken the liberty of hanging calendars that feature scantily clad or partially nude young women. My husband finds this very offensive and against his religious beliefs, as do I. One of the other men has the same values, and he took one of the calendars down and threw it away. He later was reprimanded for destroying another person's personal property.

Abby, is there anything that can be done about this? We do not feel that another person's perverted ideas should be forced on the other men who have to share the same work areas.

My husband chooses to ignore the calendar pictures because he feels there is nothing he can do about it. I feel that this is a public work area that should be free of such trash. Do we have any rights? I would appreciate a serious answer, Abby, because I am very troubled about this effort to publicly degrade women. -- TROUBLE AT WORK

DEAR TROUBLE: The calendars are hung in your husband's workplace, not yours, and he works in a public facility. You may not approve of the calendar art, but your husband has the right attitude: Ignore it. A lawyer could tell you if he has any rights in the matter. What's "trash" to one person may be "art" to another.

DEAR ABBY: Like many before me, I never thought I'd need to write to you, but I have a problem that is really bugging me.

Almost three years ago my son married, and some good friends of ours have not sent a gift. We sent nice gifts to their two children when they married. Now their third child is getting married and we have, of course, received an invitation to the wedding.

More than a year ago, they admitted they had not sent a gift to our son and his wife, but they didn't even ask for their address.

I had a pleasant conversation with this friend recently, but I didn't bring up the absence of a gift to my son. You can't very well ask friends why they haven't given your child a wedding gift, can you? I guess there is nothing I can do; nevertheless, I am perplexed and disappointed that they have not seen fit to reciprocate.

I know a gift is just that -- a gift -- but there are certain "rules" that most people follow. If you print this, sign me ... NAMELESS PLEASE

DEAR NAMELESS: There is no way a person can ask friends why they haven't sent your child a gift. If there is, I am not aware of it.

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I recently started to work at a pharmacy as an intern, and I go home every night frustrated to tears by what I see in a day's work.

There are medical claims, hundreds of them daily. Many are for preventable sicknesses that could be cured by over-the-counter drugs. Some people abuse the emergency rooms just to get prescriptions necessary for Medicaid. An example is cough syrup. Once again, the system pays a couple of hundred dollars for a child with a common cold whose parents wouldn't spring the $3.99 it would cost for a bottle of cough syrup.

Abby, some people are so uneducated they don't know how to take the medicine. (Have you ever known anyone to eat a suppository?)

I got a call the other day from a girl who asked me whether or not she's pregnant when there are two blue lines on the stick. (She's 12 years old and didn't know how to read a package insert to take the pregnancy test!)

Wait -- there's more. The abuse of the system isn't happening only in health care and pharmacy; we had a job available that women applied for via the unemployment office just to get their papers signed so they could keep drawing welfare or unemployment benefits. Some people have even tried to use food stamps to pay for narcotics!

I am so disgusted -- maybe I'll move to Canada. -- ANGELA IN SAVANNAH

DEAR ANGELA: Please don't move to Canada. We need people like you in the U.S.A.

DEAR ABBY: I'm a soldier currently deployed to Bosnia for Operation Joint Endeavor. I just received an "Any Soldier" box from American Legion Post 1976 in Virginia. I am touched by the goodness of so many of my fellow American citizens who still go out of their way to do a good deed, especially when they do it for strangers. Their mail means so much to those of us who are away from our families and loved ones.

We received shipments of books from the Red Cross, Soldier of Fortune magazine, publishers' warehouses and also from private citizens. All of the special packages, letters, pictures and good will are inspiring during one of the most difficult times in our lives.

With a little faith and luck -- and a lot of patience -- I will return to my 7-month-old daughter and my "Mr. Mom" nondeployed soldier husband.

I want to thank all who participated in this mail campaign for their generosity and kindness in remembering the military forces behind the mission. I will be leaving here in September, but many of my co-workers will be here for more than a year. I ask that your readers continue to remember them. -- 1ST LT. EMILY C. FELVUS, LUKAVAC, BOSNIA

P.S. We read you daily in "The Stars and Stripes."

DEAR ABBY: There is so much hate and violence in this world, but it can be reduced if we all work together. It would be helpful if we had more examples of kindness after which to pattern our behavior.

A friend of mine performed one of those examples of kindness when she took my 84-year-old mother, who has Alzheimer's disease, fishing. It made Mother laugh and enjoy the outdoors. I have a full-time caretaker for Mom, but my friend gave my mother a special treat.

I think it would be nice if you ask your readers to write to you about kind things done for them and publish a series of these acts of kindness. Goodness knows there is media coverage about plenty of bad things, so if you offset those with good news, it would be very inspiring. Please think about it. -- JUANITA BAKER, VERO BEACH, FLA.

DEAR JUANITA: You have done me a kindness with your compassionate suggestion. Readers, please let me hear from you.

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I are totally incompatible in the bedroom. I am not talking about sex; I'm talking about our sleep habits.

Tom likes the windows open with the room air cool, the radio playing, and the curtains open so the morning light streams in.

I like to be warm, so I object to the cool air as well as the street noise. I prefer the room to be dark and quiet, and I can't fall asleep to music playing or sleep through bright lights in the morning.

I've tried earplugs to block out the sound, but they don't always work -- and besides I want to be able to hear my kids. We do have an electric blanket with dual controls, but aside from regulating it, there are other issues we can't agree on.

Please help! Don't suggest sleeping in different rooms. We don't have a spare bedroom. -- SLEEPLESS AND SUFFERING

DEAR SLEEPLESS: You and your husband should compromise in the bedroom. Tell him if he'll agree to turn off the music or use a headset, you'll agree to leaving the windows open. Then, wear warmer nightclothes and buy a sleep mask at the drugstore to block the morning light. You both need to "give" a little.

DEAR ABBY: Five years ago, my 20-year-old marriage was destroyed by my husband's obsession with another woman. My childhood was anything but secure, so my marriage meant the world to me -- so much so that I swallowed my pride and tried everything to save the marriage.

We went to marriage counseling and I changed jobs so I would have more time for my husband. Well, he left me anyway. He wasn't the only one with zero respect for me -- I had none for myself.

For weeks I slept with a knife under my pillow hoping I would wake up with enough courage to end my miserable life. However, by what I believe was divine intervention, I was asked to volunteer at the Humane Society, and it saved my life. Those homeless animals needed me.

After I had regained some of my self-esteem, I moved to Hawaii and found a studio on several acres of land where I could operate a facility to rescue abused animals. Never had I known such peace and fulfillment.

When I was married, I was afraid of displeasing my husband or his family. Now, I please myself, and I can't imagine living that other life again.

I wrote this to encourage all those who are devastated at the breakup of a marriage and think there's no life after divorce. There is, and it can be a better life. Mahalo. -- RECOVERED DIVORCEE

DEAR DIVORCEE: Thank you for an inspiring letter. It seems to be true that when one door closes, another opens -- usually for the better.

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby's "Keepers," P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)