DEAR ABBY: My father, who is in his 60s, has a very controlling personality. He is also a hoarder. He refuses to throw anything away, and the rooms of his house are piled high with junk, old newspapers and magazines. He can never find anything. He has "misplaced" his checkbook, and many bills go unpaid because he misplaces them, too. His insurance was just canceled for nonpayment of the premium. When I tried to help him organize this mess, I found unopened mail and traveler's checks mixed in with his junk.

He gets furious with me for interfering and becomes nasty with the whole family if someone throws away an outdated newspaper or magazine. He says he plans to read them and wants them stacked in the rooms or basement until he's ready for them.

I dread the day when I will be stuck sorting this mound of trash. Please advise me if there is a solution to this problem. -- FRUSTRATED WITH PAPA HOARDER

DEAR FRUSTRATED: Your father is not competent to live alone. He can no longer handle his finances, and the accumulation of junk makes his home a fire hazard and probably a health hazard as well. Stacks of papers and other junk are havens for rodents and insect pests.

Talk to an attorney. Someone (probably you) should be appointed to manage your father's finances and have the authority to get someone to look after him, or to place him in a care facility.

Don't delay -- the time to act is now!

DEAR ABBY: I am 20 years old and am in college, as is my fiance. "Jack" is working his way through college. He comes from a poor but decent churchgoing family.

I am very close to my mother's sister ("Aunt Ida"), and when she heard that I had become engaged but did not get an engagement ring, she and "Uncle Ted" took it upon themselves to buy a beautiful (fake) diamond ring. Jack and I were invited to their home, where she handed Jack the ring to put on my finger.

Jack turned bright red, became very angry and didn't mince words. He told them that he didn't like to deceive people, and when he could afford to buy a ring, he would buy me one and it would be the real thing.

Now my mother is angry and isn't talking to Aunt Ida and Uncle Ted, and I'm caught in the middle. I know they meant well, but I feel terrible that my relatives put such importance on appearances. How can I defuse this situation? -- ENGAGED WITHOUT A RING

DEAR ENGAGED WITHOUT A RING: You appear to be a sensible young woman with excellent values. To defuse the situation, ask your mother to forgive Aunt Ida and Uncle Ted, because you already have.

DEAR ABBY: I need your advice. I love my job and it pays well, but I have a problem I really need to resolve.

My boss -- a male -- opens all my mail. It is clearly addressed to me and marked "personal."

I think this is rude and unacceptable. Please print this, as he reads your column every day. -- ANNOYED IN COLORADO

DEAR ANNOYED: You should have your personal mail addressed to your home.

DEAR ABBY: Every so often you suggest appropriate gifts for senior citizens who don't need more bric-a-brac or perfume.

My granddaughter, who lives in California, gave me the perfect gift. She arranged for me to get unlimited taxi service. I bless her daily for her thoughtfulness. -- GRATEFUL GRANDMA, ST. JAMES, N.Y.

For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I have a friend who lives in a distant city and who occasionally calls me at work from her home, where she works, just to "keep in touch" for five or 10 minutes of chatting.

I hope you won't think I'm being petty, but I'm developing a pet peeve about how these conversations start off. Once I answer my phone (at work), she asks me to hang up and call her back so that MY company will pay for the call rather than have it on her telephone bill. Considering that this is the only way we "spend time" together, given the distance separating us, I feel she's subtly saying that my friendship isn't worth the dollar or two invested in the call. By the way, I am certain she can afford it.

Abby, am I being overly sensitive, or is this a rude practice? -- CALIFORNIAN

DEAR CALIFORNIAN: You are not being overly sensitive, and your friend is not only being rude, she is spending your company's money and occupying your time.

The next time she calls, tell her that you are not comfortable with personal calls on company time, and ask her to please call you at home.

DEAR ABBY: My family recently moved to this city, and in my new high school, two girls who are best friends have taken me under their wing, and we have become a threesome. One of the girls, "Jenny," has a backyard swimming pool and once school is out, they spend most of their afternoons sunbathing and swimming in the pool. They want me to join them. The problem is, they skinny-dip and sunbathe in the nude.

I told them that I am uncomfortable with it and they responded that I was being a prude. The pool is secluded, and Jenny's mom does not allow her to invite guys over to swim, but I am still unsure. Could they be lesbians? Is there any harm in swimming in the nude? What should I do? -- UNSURE

DEAR UNSURE: Everyone has the right to view nudity the way she chooses. Yes, they could be lesbians, but chances are they're just two straight females who are comfortable with their own bodies. There's no harm in swimming in the nude; however, you should do only that with which you feel comfortable.

DEAR ABBY: We have your book, "The Best of Dear Abby," which was published in 1981. It is wonderful -- rich with human interest, frequent grins, laughs and guffaws!

Have you published a similar book since then?

Apparently you've been at your "Dear Abby" job about 40 years. Keep it up -- we need your down-to-earth philosophy. -- LARRY E. HORN, LOS ANGELES

DEAR LARRY: Thank you for your kind words. Jan. 9 marked my 40th anniversary as Dear Abby.

I have been contemplating writing another book, with a working title of "The Rest of the Best of Dear Abby." I would welcome input from my readers, so if you have a favorite Dear Abby letter, please send it to: Dear Abby Favorite Letter, P.O. Box 531, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054.

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby's "Keepers," P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: After reading the comments in your column about junk mail, I had to share my experience with you. It all started in Vancouver, where my wife ordered a sweater for me from the landlady who ran the bed and breakfast inn where we were staying. The landlady wanted to be paid only for the yarn, not her time. She suggested we give what we felt it was worth to our favorite charity.

When we received the sweater at home in Pennsylvania two months later, my wife sent a check to the landlady and asked her to put her favorite charity on the check. Soon my wife was getting pelted with financial support letters from Jimmy Swaggart's ministry. Finally, I wrote "DECEASED" on one of the solicitations and returned it. Presto! She no longer got mail from Jimmy Swaggart.

My brother-in-law, a doctor in Miami, heard how I got rid of my "junk mail" and put "deceased" on all of his junk mail and returned it to sender. A few weeks later, he realized that he was not receiving important mail that he was expecting. He then found out that his postman had seen "deceased" on his mail and, assuming that he was indeed dead, had put "deceased" on his first-class mail and sent it back, too. My brother-in-law then discovered that he'd been mourned by his Harvard classmates and was no longer a member of some of his clubs and associations.

His remark to me was, "The next time you get a smart idea, don't tell me about it!" -- AN ABBY FAN IN LAKE WALES, FLA.

P.S. About 30 years ago, I wrote you about my wife not being interested in sex. You suggested we see a sex therapist, only we couldn't afford to go because I was starting a new business. This year, when things went from bad to worse, we started going to a therapist -- and we wished we had taken your advice years ago!

DEAR FAN IN LAKE WALES: Better late than never.

DEAR ABBY: I have never written to you before, but I read the letter from "Wondering in Missouri," about the lady who wanted to know if she should give her children things that were special to her before she passed away. Yes, yes, yes -- please do!

My mom died earlier this year and none of her wishes were obeyed. For years and years, she had been telling everyone the things that she wanted her children and grandchildren to have. Well, after she was gone, her husband ignored her wishes, refused to pay one cent for the funeral, and treated us worse than anyone could ever begin to imagine. He kept everything she wanted her loved ones to have.

I and her granddaughters are devastated. We not only have to live every single day with the grief of losing her, but we have nothing of hers that she wanted us to have. Mother would be so very sad.

Her husband destroyed her will and did not even give us the courtesy of seeing her last words. So, if you have loved ones who are special to you -- then please, please give them the things that you want them to have before you die. We can't even get a lawyer to try and fight this injustice because we can't afford it. My heart is broken. -- BROKENHEARTED IN OREGON

DEAR BROKENHEARTED: I have often said, "Do your giving while you're living, and you'll be knowing where it's going."

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)