DEAR ABBY: I am currently stationed in Bosnia, and while the conditions here are not pleasant, they are getting more bearable. I am concerned because I received an "Any Soldier"-type Valentine's Day card and the return address was not on it. The child who took the time and effort to send it deserves an answer.

We arrived here about 9:30 p.m. in a fog so thick we had a hard time seeing the road in front of us. While crossing a bridge, my soldiers and I flew the American flag from the mirrors of our vehicle and played "God Bless America" as loudly as my poor little tape player could go. It took about a week before the fog cleared enough to see that we were surrounded by mountains that were capped with snow!

We work pretty hard here. We were given a day to ourselves to do our laundry and clean our gear. It was almost a month before we got to take showers. We did the best we could with bottled water and moist towelettes, living three men in a tent.

Now we have tents with floors and heaters and flush toilets within easy walking distance. There is a convenience store that just opened, but they're having problems getting the basic items like shoe polish and soap.

Abby, no amount of conveniences can compensate for the loneliness we feel here. It's the mail we get from people back home that keeps our spirits alive. Of course, we are surrounded by fellow soldiers, but you can be lonely in a crowd. The letters we get from people who care enough to write warm our hearts while we watch the snow fall on the mud we walk through every day.

To the child who sent the valentine (and the others who wrote), thanks a million -- our thoughts are with you as much as yours are with us. -- DAVID K. BURTON, A SOLDIER IN BOSNIA

DEAR DAVID: Thank you for writing and rest assured that my readers will continue to write to "Any Soldier." May God bless all of you and bring you home to your loved ones safely -- and soon.

For those who may have missed the addresses to write to the military in Bosnia, send letters and parcels (preferably no larger than a shoebox) to: ANY SERVICE MEMBER, OPERATION JOINT ENDEAVOR, APO AE 09397 (for Army, Navy, Air Force and Marine Corps land forces); or ANY SERVICE MEMBER, OPERATION JOINT ENDEAVOR, FPO AE 09398 (for Navy and Marine Corps personnel aboard ship).

DEAR ABBY: Because of our religious beliefs, my husband and I do not drink coffee, tea or alcohol. This causes a problem when it comes to entertaining, and we need some advice.

When we are guests at social gatherings, we are not offended by our friends who enjoy a cup of coffee after dinner, or who drink alcohol. We don't pass judgment on those whose lifestyles differ from our own.

However, we don't know what to do when WE are the hosts. Because we refrain from drinking these beverages for religious reasons, we feel uncomfortable even purchasing them or serving them to guests in our home -- especially when our children are involved. Rather than offend anyone or breach social protocol, we have elected not to entertain or to entertain only those who share our lifestyle or know us very well.

Our approach has been very limiting and we have missed opportunities to socialize with business associates and others whose company we enjoy. Is there a way to resolve this problem without compromising our religious convictions? -- TIRED OF MISSING OUT IN TUCSON

DEAR TIRED: A host can serve anything he or she wishes, and that includes fruit juice, punch, herb tea and non-caffeinated sodas. A well-mannered guest will not make an issue of it.

Abby shares more of her favorite, easy-to-prepare recipes. To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, More Favorite Recipes, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I respectfully disagree with Howard Childress, whose letter appeared in a recent column. Mr. Childress maintained that sex, violence and bad language on TV are merely reflections of society and do not really influence the viewers.

If he were right, advertising agencies across the nation would be out of business.

Through those ad agencies, U.S. advertisers are spending billions (that's with a "B") per year to influence viewers to buy their products and services. They know how much television influences viewers; they have tested it many times!

Abby, imagine a dialogue between a concerned viewer and a TV executive. It might go something like this:

CONCERNED VIEWER: Mr. Television Executive, your shows have too much sex, violence and bad language in them. They're a bad influence on our young viewers.

TV EXECUTIVE: Our shows just reflect society; we don't really influence viewers. They will do what they want, no matter what we put no TV.

VIEWER: Fine, Mr. Executive. I want to buy a minute of advertising on one of your prime-time shows. How much will that cost?

EXECUTIVE: We can let you have a minute of prime-time advertising for just $100,000.

VIEWER: What? $100,000! Why so much?

EXECUTIVE: Because we reach so many households and so many potential buyers of your products and services. We know we have great influence with our advertising; we've tested it.

VIEWER: Wait a minute. Are you telling me that sex, violence and bad language don't influence your viewers, but your advertising influences your viewers so much that you are going to charge me $100,000 per minute for it?

EXECUTIVE: Yes. That's exactly what I'm telling you.

VIEWER: Well, I think I'll find another way to spend my money. -- KEN LEINWEBER, WILLINGBORO, N.J.

DEAR MR. LEINWEBER: I was inundated with letters from readers who disagreed with Howard Childress. For a sample, read on:

DEAR ABBY: Although a regular reader, I have never written before. But I had to respond to Howard Childress about the media reflecting rather than setting the standards, values and trends of society.

He is right, of course. But the media are not off the hook. The human condition has always included a base nature. In the name of money, the media are pandering to that nature.

There will always be a market for trash. Media leaders could and should use their positions of power and influence to reflect the best in us. When they choose to reflect the worse, a dirty atmosphere is created, which adds to the downward spiral of morals and values we now see. The media certainly contribute to this spiral.

If you print this, you are welcome to use my name. -- JONATHAN ROTH, PLANO, TEXAS

DEAR ABBY: Regarding the letter from Howard Childress, who said the media only reflect the trends of society rather than set them:

You, sans qualification, replied that there was truth in his observation. We have ample evidence that the media do, in fact, affect how people behave. Would Mr. Childress suggest that commercials are merely a reflection of people's buying habits? Aren't they actually deciding our buying habits?

Mr. Childress used stories from the Bible as substantiating evidence. Let's look at the evidence that is better documented and more reliable. Children are murdering children. Short of the original sin, children are innocent until taught to do bad things. They don't instinctively throw baby brothers out of 15-story buildings. They learn to devalue life from watching lives bring snuffed out. Where do they see people taking lives? TV and movies. I wouldn't say from books because most people don't read many books.

I remember studying a case in psychology class where a small village, similar to the one Mr. Childress described, was without TV. Cables were run into the village. Sociologists, realizing the opportunity to study TV's effect, surveyed the villagers. Two years after the installation, they resurveyed, finding that aggression and the propensity for violence had increased disturbingly.

While I agree, the media do reflect social mores, they undoubtedly influence those mores greatly.

We must hold producers and advertisers responsible for this influence; otherwise, we will likely become prisoners in our own homes. -- JEFF PAUL, MINNEAPOLIS

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I am the manager of a women's clothing boutique in a small, upper-class community. My staff and I have a problem with a customer who shops in our store almost weekly. She will purchase $300 worth of merchandise, only to return it all the next day, putting a huge debt in our register that can ruin our daily totals. These returns also cost the store owner a substantial processing fee, as all transactions do.

We have tried not assisting her while she shops, hoping to cut back on her purchases, but it hasn't helped. The woman will occasionally keep a piece or two, but not often.

There is the possibility that she recommends our store to her friends. We're a rather small but successful chain that caters to our ladies, but we simply can't afford to continue the relationship with this obvious compulsive shopper. We also do not want to make a scene by confronting her in the store.

We are all, the owner included, at a loss as to what to do. Should we continue to allow her to wreak havoc on our sales records? Please help. -- IN SALES IN LA JOLLA, CALIF.

DEAR IN SALES: Yours is a common problem in retailing. However, there are two ways to deal with it: First, insist that she pay for merchandise in cash only. Second, do not refund her money for items she returns; instead, issue her a store credit -- a voucher that is valid only in your store.

DEAR ABBY: Our 29-year-old son married a beautiful girl about six years ago. We noticed before their marriage that she never said "thank you" when something was done for her, or when gifts were given to her. (We didn't feel we were in a position to say anything, but we tried to set an example by voicing appreciation when they -- or anyone else -- did something nice for us.)

Now, however, our son seems to have acquired the same behavior, and it's very disturbing because he was raised to be courteous and appreciative. When either one receives a gift, they look at it, may say something like, "Oh, where did you get this?" or more often than not, say nothing, and they just put it aside.

Abby, we don't give strange or odd gifts. The items they have received from us are either displayed in their apartment or worn.

Isn't it reasonable to expect a "thank you" or at least, "This is nice, I like it"? We'd like to say something to them without hurting their feelings, but are not certain what that should be. What are your thoughts on this? -- PERPLEXED PARENTS

DEAR PERPLEXED PARENTS: Ask your son privately why his wife does not acknowledge your gifts. She may not have been taught that it's common courtesy to express gratitude. It's time someone taught her -- and your son should gently set her straight.

Advise him that it is discouraging to spend time, effort and money on a gift that goes unacknowledged.

DEAR READERS: A tip to travelers: Do not pack your medication in your luggage -- keep it on your person. Luggage does not always arrive when you do. If you boarded late, your luggage could arrive on a later flight, or possibly the next day. And never, never pack your jewelry in your luggage -- carry it on your person.

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