DEAR ABBY: My mother and I have been reading your column for years and we value your opinion.

She and I were discussing a common courtesy. The example we used was saying "Good morning," or "How are you?" to everyone, including people you don't like.

Mother says she does this all the time -- it makes her feel good, and lets people know that she acknowledges their presence.

I say that although it makes her feel good, it is hypocritical to do so, as it gives the people she doesn't like the wrong impression and encourages continued conversation she may not want.

We would like your opinion. -- BETTY IN CARLSBAD, N.M.

DEAR BETTY: Saying "Good morning" or "Good afternoon" or "Good evening" is a gracious, friendly greeting. However, some people say, "How are you?" intending it as only a greeting, but it may be taken literally, and in return one may get a litany of symptoms. So it's safer to stick with "Good morning," "Good afternoon" and "Good evening."

DEAR ABBY: I'm 39, and have been divorced for two years after a 14-year childless marriage of misery. I live alone in a tiny trailer two doors up from my father's house. I own and manage a 200-acre farm, which is all that's left after a tedious five-year divorce settlement. My finances are horrendous, but I've managed without borrowing from my dad or any other family member.

My mother died when I was 14; I did all of the housework and helped with the younger siblings. I followed in my father's footsteps and majored in agriculture in college. We have always gotten along and I've always enjoyed spending time with Dad.

So why does my father continue to allow my ex-husband to live rent-free in his house ever since our separation and all through the long divorce? Abby, I'm within shouting distance and eating roadkill to stay financially viable. My ex went overseas for a while, but predictably, he lost his job and now he's right back at Dad's place -- even though he has family in another part of the state.

I just can't understand my father's behavior. What do you think of this, Abby? -- REALLY HURT IN SCRANTON, PA.

DEAR REALLY HURT: Under the circumstances, I think your father's behavior is weird. If you want to understand his motives, ask him.

DEAR ABBY: Our neighbors hire house sitters who slam doors, take the garbage out late at night, and party. They also use the Jacuzzi from midnight to 2 a.m., inviting guests to come sit with them and party with loud laughing and talking. (The Jacuzzi is next to our bedroom.)

We have no problems with these neighbors, but we immediately know when they leave town because that's when the partying begins.

How can we fix this problem? We'd rather hear dogs barking. At least dogs usually bark for a reason. These house sitters have absolutely no consideration for anyone but themselves, and my husband and I are fed up. Your advice would be greatly appreciated. -- HAD ENOUGH IN SEAL BEACH, CALIF.

DEAR HAD ENOUGH: Inform your neighbors about their house sitters' noisy partying in their absence. That way, your neighbors can lay down some ground rules the next time they plan a trip.

Also, ask them for a telephone number where they can be reached should their next house sitters create a disturbance.

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: Much as it pains me to publicly disagree with another attorney, the letter you published from Max D. Rynearson about the value of an IOU was more wrong than right -- and your original advice to parents to get an IOU when lending money to their children was more right than wrong.

Yes, a detailed promissory note, with due dates, interest, default provisions and attorneys fees is nice. (A mortgage on the homestead or a security interest in the family Mercedes is even nicer.)

However, to say that a written IOU has no legal value is incorrect. I would hope that none of your readers, after seeing that in your column, would tear up an IOU or abandon their hope of repayment.

An IOU is written evidence of a debt. If signed by the borrower, it is even better evidence. As documentary evidence of a debt, a signed IOU is as good as any promissory note. Only the bells and whistles of a promissory note are missing. Any defense that could be used against a signed IOU can be used against a promissory note.

Not lending and not borrowing is best. Getting a note and secured collateral is next best. But if someone you cannot or do not want to refuse needs a loan at a time or place when you can get no lawyer, note or collateral, a signed IOU is enforceable written evidence of a debt. Surely, someone holding one should not think it has no legal value. -- JOHN D. RICE, ATTORNEY AT LAW, CHANHASSEN, MINN.

DEAR MR. RICE: Thank you very much for straightening this out. I'm sure that many readers will be relieved to know that the IOUs they are holding are valid legal documents after all. But the words of William Shakespeare seem even truer today than when he wrote, "Neither a borrower nor a lender be ..."

DEAR ABBY: I have a family dilemma. My 11- and 5-year-old sons are disrespectful to my husband and me. They also swear a lot. My problem is my husband doesn't care and refuses to do anything about it, while I care a great deal and try to do everything I can to stop it. Obviously, my kids are getting a mixed message.

Since my husband allows it, my 11-year-old swears at him, but knows not to mess with me. My 5-year-old doesn't understand, though, and swears at both of us -- and I just can't stand it. I feel as though I'll go out of my mind or even leave the house if it doesn't stop.

How should I deal with this? -- UPSET IN UTAH

DEAR UPSET: One way to get a child to behave is to withhold privileges (something the child enjoys) if he misbehaves. It might be television, movies, sweets, phone privileges, playing with friends, favorite toys, video games or computer time. Your 5-year-old is certainly old enough to understand English. Once he realizes that cursing Mommy makes her less cooperative and generous, he might think before speaking disrespectfully to you.

By refusing to assert parental authority over his sons, your husband is being incredibly foolish. It appears you're dealing with three children -- not two!

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I was widowed two years ago, and for the first 10 months I cried a dozen times a day for the wonderful man who was taken from me. We would have been married 30 years that June.

Then I became involved with Parents Without Partners, joined its board of directors and became the newsletter editor. I also joined a women's friendship group and put out the newsletter for them. Before that, I volunteered at a local hospital for a year and a half, but I had to quit that because of my full schedule.

In addition to numerous other activities, I finally got my driver's license at age 54. My husband used to drive me wherever I had to go. After he passed away, I found out how much I had depended on him to get around. (In all my activities, I either had to impose on others to drive me around, take public transportation or give up going to events because it was night.) I don't feel 100 percent comfortable driving yet, but every day I do a little more and am beginning to get around more and more.

I'm writing this letter to advise your readers, both male and female, that while it's extremely hard to lose your mate, you can go on and survive and become a stronger person than you were before.

I still cry, and some days are bad (my husband's birthday is Dec. 31 -- so New Year's is a bad time), but on the whole I'm strong and I am sure my husband would be very proud of me. You may use my name. -- MARCIA LEWICKI, BROOKLYN, N.Y.

DEAR MARCIA: Congratulations for being resourceful, and for rebounding from tragedy by volunteering your time, learning new things, and putting yourself in a position to meet new people. I'm printing your letter as a road map for other "lost souls" who might need one.

DEAR ABBY: I have been dating a woman for the past three years and have never felt this strongly about a person in my life. She's 51 and I am 65. I can't figure her out.

I see her only at her convenience and have yet to meet any of her family or friends. She says that ours is the best relationship she has ever had, that I'm the "complete package," she loves me very much, and there is no one else. She has a summer place in my area, and when she's there she invites her family and friends, but I have never been included.

When I confront her about this, she says, "I prefer to keep my private life and family life separate."

I am very family-oriented and include her in all my family functions, which she says she enjoys. We have broken up several times over this. Abby, I dislike being a part-time lover, and it is driving me nuts.

Should I stop seeing her, or give her an ultimatum? -- PART-TIME LOVER IN MASSACHUSETTS

DEAR PART-TIME LOVER: The woman's behavior is insulting, and if you have broken up over it in the past, then she is doing it deliberately -- without regard for your feelings. Giving her an ultimatum will probably result in your not seeing her again -- but do it. You have nothing to lose.

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)