DEAR ABBY: Much as it pains me to publicly disagree with another attorney, the letter you published from Max D. Rynearson about the value of an IOU was more wrong than right -- and your original advice to parents to get an IOU when lending money to their children was more right than wrong.

Yes, a detailed promissory note, with due dates, interest, default provisions and attorneys fees is nice. (A mortgage on the homestead or a security interest in the family Mercedes is even nicer.)

However, to say that a written IOU has no legal value is incorrect. I would hope that none of your readers, after seeing that in your column, would tear up an IOU or abandon their hope of repayment.

An IOU is written evidence of a debt. If signed by the borrower, it is even better evidence. As documentary evidence of a debt, a signed IOU is as good as any promissory note. Only the bells and whistles of a promissory note are missing. Any defense that could be used against a signed IOU can be used against a promissory note.

Not lending and not borrowing is best. Getting a note and secured collateral is next best. But if someone you cannot or do not want to refuse needs a loan at a time or place when you can get no lawyer, note or collateral, a signed IOU is enforceable written evidence of a debt. Surely, someone holding one should not think it has no legal value. -- JOHN D. RICE, ATTORNEY AT LAW, CHANHASSEN, MINN.

DEAR MR. RICE: Thank you very much for straightening this out. I'm sure that many readers will be relieved to know that the IOUs they are holding are valid legal documents after all. But the words of William Shakespeare seem even truer today than when he wrote, "Neither a borrower nor a lender be ..."

DEAR ABBY: I have a family dilemma. My 11- and 5-year-old sons are disrespectful to my husband and me. They also swear a lot. My problem is my husband doesn't care and refuses to do anything about it, while I care a great deal and try to do everything I can to stop it. Obviously, my kids are getting a mixed message.

Since my husband allows it, my 11-year-old swears at him, but knows not to mess with me. My 5-year-old doesn't understand, though, and swears at both of us -- and I just can't stand it. I feel as though I'll go out of my mind or even leave the house if it doesn't stop.

How should I deal with this? -- UPSET IN UTAH

DEAR UPSET: One way to get a child to behave is to withhold privileges (something the child enjoys) if he misbehaves. It might be television, movies, sweets, phone privileges, playing with friends, favorite toys, video games or computer time. Your 5-year-old is certainly old enough to understand English. Once he realizes that cursing Mommy makes her less cooperative and generous, he might think before speaking disrespectfully to you.

By refusing to assert parental authority over his sons, your husband is being incredibly foolish. It appears you're dealing with three children -- not two!

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I was widowed two years ago, and for the first 10 months I cried a dozen times a day for the wonderful man who was taken from me. We would have been married 30 years that June.

Then I became involved with Parents Without Partners, joined its board of directors and became the newsletter editor. I also joined a women's friendship group and put out the newsletter for them. Before that, I volunteered at a local hospital for a year and a half, but I had to quit that because of my full schedule.

In addition to numerous other activities, I finally got my driver's license at age 54. My husband used to drive me wherever I had to go. After he passed away, I found out how much I had depended on him to get around. (In all my activities, I either had to impose on others to drive me around, take public transportation or give up going to events because it was night.) I don't feel 100 percent comfortable driving yet, but every day I do a little more and am beginning to get around more and more.

I'm writing this letter to advise your readers, both male and female, that while it's extremely hard to lose your mate, you can go on and survive and become a stronger person than you were before.

I still cry, and some days are bad (my husband's birthday is Dec. 31 -- so New Year's is a bad time), but on the whole I'm strong and I am sure my husband would be very proud of me. You may use my name. -- MARCIA LEWICKI, BROOKLYN, N.Y.

DEAR MARCIA: Congratulations for being resourceful, and for rebounding from tragedy by volunteering your time, learning new things, and putting yourself in a position to meet new people. I'm printing your letter as a road map for other "lost souls" who might need one.

DEAR ABBY: I have been dating a woman for the past three years and have never felt this strongly about a person in my life. She's 51 and I am 65. I can't figure her out.

I see her only at her convenience and have yet to meet any of her family or friends. She says that ours is the best relationship she has ever had, that I'm the "complete package," she loves me very much, and there is no one else. She has a summer place in my area, and when she's there she invites her family and friends, but I have never been included.

When I confront her about this, she says, "I prefer to keep my private life and family life separate."

I am very family-oriented and include her in all my family functions, which she says she enjoys. We have broken up several times over this. Abby, I dislike being a part-time lover, and it is driving me nuts.

Should I stop seeing her, or give her an ultimatum? -- PART-TIME LOVER IN MASSACHUSETTS

DEAR PART-TIME LOVER: The woman's behavior is insulting, and if you have broken up over it in the past, then she is doing it deliberately -- without regard for your feelings. Giving her an ultimatum will probably result in your not seeing her again -- but do it. You have nothing to lose.

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I am very concerned about the letter signed "Wiser Now," regarding the use of fire extinguishers in the kitchen.

Just last week on our local television channel, the guest was a woman from the fire department. She stressed that one should not always use a fire extinguisher to put out a fire on one's kitchen stove. I had always thought the same as the lady who wrote to you. The fire department representative said that the force of the foam coming out of the nozzle can be so strong it simply blows the flames around the stove or curtains. She recommended using a lid -- or better yet, a cookie sheet -- to slide over the pan to smother the flames.

She also said never to use baking soda, because it can explode the flames. -- MRS. ORRIN T. WELLS, SAN MARCOS, CALIF.

DEAR MRS. WELLS: Julie Reynolds, director of public affairs for the National Fire Protection Association, confirmed that in the case of a pan fire, a fire extinguisher used too close to the pan could splatter the fire, spreading it further around the kitchen. The safer method is to smother the fire by carefully sliding a lid over the pan and then turning the burner off. Lifting the lid to see if the fire is out will allow oxygen to rekindle the flames. Also, it is very dangerous to attempt to carry a burning pan to the sink or outside. The flames could easily ignite clothing or other combustibles, causing dangerous burns and spreading the fire.

While baking soda may be used to extinguish flames, the National Fire Protection Association does not recommend it since it requires one to be near the flames. (In addition, if the wrong substance -- flour or baking powder -- is grabbed, it could create a larger and more dangerous blaze.)

For fires in other parts of the house, it is vital that you have the proper extinguisher for the type of fire you need to fight, and that you know how to operate it. If a fire is small and contained (such as fire in a wastebasket), using the proper fire extinguisher may be the best approach, but in some cases, it's wiser to leave the premises and call the fire department.

DEAR ABBY: I am 24 and my boyfriend, "Jerry," is 27. We have been dating almost a year.

Our relationship is terrific except for one problem. Jerry talks in his sleep and says the names of different women in a sexual way -- almost like he's having sex with them. Abby, I recognize a few of the names because he either works with them or we have mutual friends. I have asked Jerry about these women, and he swears he's not fantasizing about anyone or seeing anyone else. He doesn't remember dreaming about these women or calling out any names.

This is beginning to affect our relationship, Abby. I'm deeply hurt and confused, and I don't know what to do. Should I ignore it? -- ALLISON IN GALVESTON

DEAR ALLISON: It's not surprising that your boyfriend has no recollection of what he dreamed or that he talked in his sleep. Dreams are an activity of the unconscious mind, and just because someone dreams something does not mean he or she would actually do it. (I have heard from readers who dreamed of walking naked down Main Street or into a court of law -- something few would do in the cold light of day.)

Don't take your boyfriend's sleep-talking personally. If you cannot ignore it, try earplugs or separate bedrooms.

CONFIDENTIAL TO JEANNE, MY BEAUTIFUL FIRSTBORN OF WHOM I'M VERY PROUD: Happy birthday. You're loved.

For Abby's favorite family recipes, send a long, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Cookbooklet No. 1, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)