DEAR ABBY: I am the mother of an adorable 3-year-old daughter. "Michelle" is affectionate and bright for her age. The problem: Michelle has a large red birthmark that covers her cheek, extending almost to her jaw. Her pediatrician told me that she'll have to wait until she's older to have the birthmark removed.

Abby, you would not believe some of the comments adults have made in her presence! People can be unbelievably cruel and thoughtless. I don't want my daughter's self-image destroyed before she even reaches kindergarten.

My mother-in-law sent me a column you printed in 1991 on this subject. Would you please run it again? -- MICHELLE'S MOM

DEAR MOM: I certainly will, and I hope it's helpful.

DEAR READERS: A reader asked, "What do you think the parents of a facially disfigured child would want to hear when running into a friend who has never seen the child before?"

My reply, "Only a person who has walked that path is qualified to answer that question. I hope someone who has will write and let me know. The answer would be helpful to many readers -- as well as to this columnist."

I was unprepared for the volume of mail I received. Some excerpts:

FROM ASHLAND, KY.: "Don't say, 'Oh, my God! What happened to your child's face?' Brace yourself, then find something positive to say about the child's bright eyes, lovely hair, or the outfit the child is wearing. But don't mention the child's abnormality."

FROM LAKE JACKSON, TEXAS: "Do not ignore the child. A child with a deformity can see, hear and feel. Bend down and say, 'Hi ya, little fella -- what's your name?' Ask his mother if you may pick him up and hold him. The child will feel accepted and the mother will bless you a hundred times in her prayers."

FROM YAKIMA, WASH.: "Don't try to comfort his mother with the 'news' that they are doing remarkable things with reconstructive surgery these days. Be assured that the parents are well aware of what can be done; they also know that it must be done in stages as the child matures. And the child probably has had many surgeries already."

FROM SHELBY, OHIO: "Treat him as you would treat a normal 2-year-old -- not ignoring the deformity, but not making an issue of it, either. This is not hypocritical; neither is it acceptance of it. It puts it in its proper perspective. Forget the 'I'm so sorry' stuff. The mother knows you're sorry -- and so is she!"

FROM EAST HARTFORD, CONN.: "Look beyond the disfigurement and see the child who is still too young to know that he is different. (He will learn all too soon.) Treat him as you would any other 2-year-old. If the mother wants to bring up the subject of the child's problem, she will. But she would prefer that he be treated as a human being rather than a medical problem. The child's disfigurement probably can be corrected in time, but the damage to his personality, should he be treated as less than human, may not be."

FROM DALLAS: "God gave these special children something that others will never develop in a lifetime. We've suffered more from prejudice and ignorant remarks than from the difficulty of coping with our child's multiple handicaps. One stranger actually said, 'How brave of you to take him out in public instead of putting him away in an institution with people of his own kind.'"

FROM LONG ISLAND: "Thank you, Abby, from the bottom of my heart for opening the door of opportunity for these letters. The public needs to be educated!"

Abby shares more of her favorite, easy-to-prepare recipes. To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, More Favorite Recipes, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I wrote to you 26 years ago about my stepfather and my brother. Now I'm writing to you about my son -- I'll call him Lewis. He's my only child and a junior in high school. His father and I have been divorced since Lewis was 2 years old, and he has lived with his father, who is principal of a large high school, for several years.

Lewis is intelligent, but in spite of that, he struggles to maintain grades high enough to keep himself eligible to play sports. I could accept that, since his father was a late bloomer, but I have trouble with his lying. Lewis constantly cons his dad, me, his teachers and his friends.

Since I live 2 1/2 hours away from my son, I cannot be a daily influence. We talk frequently on the phone; however, we don't see each other often. I used to enjoy our telephone conversations, but about three years ago, I realized he was lying to me. It's getting worse -- to the point that I cannot believe anything he says, and that's breaking my heart. Of course, Lewis denies telling lies.

I want to help him, but I don't know how. Abby, this seems to be a family trait. His father, his grandmother and his aunt are liars, but they won't admit it -- they just keep on lying.

What will the future hold for Lewis if he continues to lie? Will he grow out of it? How can I help him? Does he need psychiatric help? -- OHIO MOTHER

DEAR MOTHER: Evidently lying brings more benefits to your son than telling the truth. Lying is habit-forming. Furthermore, a liar continues to lie until he actually believes his own lies. There may also be a psychological reason for the lying.

Obviously, his future will be in jeopardy if he continues to lie. "Outsiders" will not be as forgiving as his family, and he will surely lose friends (and probably jobs) when he gets caught in his lies.

Will he grow out of it? Not unless he is consistently confronted by his family when he lies, and gets professional counseling. Insist that he get into a program of counseling, and when you catch him in a lie, point it out and insist that he tell you the truth.

P.S. His poor performance in school is another indication that he could benefit from counseling.

DEAR ABBY: I am 22 and recently broke up with a longtime boyfriend. I have been reintroduced to someone with whom I went to high school. However, I didn't know him well back then.

Abby, this man says all the right things, but I'm not sure how to tell the difference between sincerity and the "lines" men use these days. Do all men say the things a girl wants to hear just to get what they want? Is it possible to tell the difference between sincerity and these "lines"? Are there any telltale signs I should watch for? -- LEERY IN VIRGINIA

DEAR LEERY: The best test of sincerity is time. Watch for inconsistencies and observe whether they always result in him getting what HE wants, rather than in what makes YOU happy.

If he's still saying "all the right things" after a couple of months, the odds are that he's sincere and you are a lucky lady.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR READERS: Yesterday I published a letter from the grandparents of a 19-year-old woman who was brutally murdered by a young man with whom she had lived for four months. Her grieving family asked if I would reprint the column that outlined the traits of a potential batterer. In her memory, here it is. It was adapted from "Signs to Look for in a Battering Personality," with permission from the Project for Victims of Family Violence, Fayetteville, Ark.

15 REASONS TO LEAVE YOUR LOVER,

WARNING SIGNS OF AN ABUSIVE PERSONALITY

Something's just not right in your relationship, and you can't put your finger on it. So here's some help. If your mate is displaying a combination of these behaviors, then you may have a potential batterer on your hands.

1. A PUSH FOR QUICK INVOLVEMENT: Comes on very strong, claiming, "I've never felt loved like this by anyone." An abuser pressures the woman for an exclusive commitment almost immediately.

2. JEALOUSY: Excessively possessive; calls constantly or visits unexpectedly; prevents you from going to work because "you might meet someone"; checks the mileage on your car.

3. CONTROLLING: Interrogates you intensely (especially if you're late) about whom you talked to, and where you were; keeps all the money; insists you ask permission to go anywhere or do anything.

4. UNREALISTIC EXPECTATIONS: Expects you to be the perfect woman and meet his every need.

5. ISOLATION: Tries to cut you off from family and friends; accuses people who are your supporters of "causing trouble"; the abuser may deprive you of a phone or car or try to prevent you from holding a job.

6. BLAMES OTHERS FOR PROBLEMS AND MISTAKES: The boss, you -- it's always someone else's fault if anything goes wrong.

7. MAKES EVERYONE ELSE RESPONSIBLE FOR HIS FEELINGS: The abuser says, "You make me angry" instead of, "I am angry" or, "You're hurting me by not doing what I tell you." Less obvious is the claim: "You make me happy."

8. HYPERSENSITIVITY: Is easily insulted, claiming that his feelings are hurt when he is really mad. He'll rant about the injustice of things that are just part of life.

3. CRUELTY TO ANIMALS AND TO CHILDREN: Kills or punishes animals brutally. Also may expect children to do things that are far beyond their ability (whips a 2-year-old for wetting a diaper) or may tease them until they cry. Sixty-five percent of abusers who beat their partner will also abuse children.

10. "PLAYFUL" USE OF FORCE DURING SEX: Enjoys throwing you down or holding you down against your will during sex; says he finds the idea of rape exciting.

11. VERBAL ABUSE: Constantly criticizes you, or says blatantly cruel, hurtful things; degrades, curses, calls you ugly names. This may also involve sleep deprivation, waking you up with relentless verbal abuse.

12. RIGID SEX ROLES: Expects you to serve, obey and remain at home.

13. SUDDEN MOOD SWINGS: Switches from sweetly loving to explosively violent in a matter of minutes.

14. PAST BATTERING: Admits hitting women in the past, but says they made him do it or the situation brought it on.

15. THREATS OF VIOLENCE: Makes statements like, "I'll break your neck" or "I'll kill you," and then dismisses them with, "Everybody talks that way" or "I didn't really mean it." If he has come this far, it is time to get help, or get out.

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)