DEAR ABBY: A few years ago, my brother, "Leonard," stayed with me while he was in the process of getting a divorce. His son, "Craig," visited him several times. On one of those visits, Craig received an invitation to dinner, and because he had not brought a tie, I loaned him one of my late husband's ties. I also loaned him one of my husband's rings.

For some reason, Craig had the ring appraised the next day, and asked to take it with him to show his girlfriend. He promised to return it on his next visit. When he came again, he claimed to have forgotten to bring it with him.

After my brother got his divorce, he found his own apartment and I never saw Craig again, although I frequently took meals to my brother and stayed with him for several days in a row when he became very ill. Craig never called or visited his sick father.

Leonard died last month. A few days later, when I went to his apartment, I found it empty -- Craig had cleaned it out and didn't leave me even one memento of my beloved brother.

I called Craig to insist that he return my husband's ring. He said, "Oh, I lost that ring years ago."

Abby, I can't afford a lawyer to help me get the ring back, and even if I could afford one, Craig, a pharmacist, would probably fight me for it. I'm not so concerned about the monetary value as I am the sentimental value, but if he sold it or lost it, he should pay me for it.

I want Craig to see my letter in your column and feel ashamed for taking a ring that means so much to me. -- NO RING, NO BROTHER, NO FAIR

DEAR NO FAIR: To make sure Craig sees his shameful behavior in print, send him this column. But don't count on getting your ring back unless you take legal action. A judgment in small claims court may force him to return the ring or be in trouble with the law. Good luck.

DEAR ABBY: Last Friday night, my 14-year-old daughter, "Amy," baby-sat for one of her regular customers. When she got home around midnight, she was visibly shaken. "Jane," the mother of the child Amy was watching, was drunk when she drove my daughter home. The drive, which should have taken 10 minutes, had taken 45 minutes because Jane kept swerving and making wrong turns that took her away from where she was supposed to be going.

I instructed my daughter to refuse to ride with any parent who had been drinking. She is to call me to come get her when she suspects a parent isn't sober.

Abby, I remember encountering that problem as a girl. It's not easy for a teen to know when an adult has been drinking and to refuse to get in the car.

Adults should be responsible enough not to take a child's life into their hands. Unfortunately, when people have been drinking, their judgment is impaired, so parents should insist that when in doubt, their children call home for a ride. -- WORRIED MOTHER IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR WORRIED MOTHER: Every parent should insist that their children refuse to ride with anyone who has been drinking. And that goes for adults, too. While it may anger the driver, better an angry driver than a serious -- or fatal -- accident.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I had our first child, a boy, last fall. We were both very happy because the baby is healthy and we had wanted a family since our marriage four years ago. We enjoyed shopping for baby clothes and furniture. My husband, "Chris," was gentle and supportive throughout my pregnancy, and was at my side during labor and delivery.

By choice, I took four months off work and only returned part time until the baby is older. Shortly after the baby was born, I noticed that Chris was moody and constantly on edge, but I let it pass. When it became medically possible to resume our sex life, he did not seem eager. (We have always had an active love life.)

Chris refuses to feed or diaper our child, but often complains that the baby "smells bad." He finds fault with my housekeeping and cooking. He sits in front of the television barely speaking, or "goes out with the boys" after work, which is very out of character.

He calls me "tubby" and says I should get in shape, which has almost brought me to tears. Abby, I gained only 13 pounds during the pregnancy, most of which I left at the hospital. I am 5 feet 6 inches and weigh 118 pounds, less than I weighed at our wedding.

When I confronted Chris, he said he is sorry, but he no longer finds me appealing or attractive because I am now a mother! I am hurt and shocked beyond words. I do not know what to do. I do not want my son to grow up with divorced parents, and despite all this, I still love Chris. Yet he has become a complete stranger. I cannot reach him.

What can I do to save my marriage? (Please, no state or town.) -- DIANA X

DEAR DIANA X: You are a mother, true. But you are not HIS mother, which is something that your husband may be unconsciously troubled about. He needs psychotherapy.

DEAR ABBY: I am a 43-year-old woman. I own my business, my home, and I'm fairly attractive. I have cherished friends and have my act pretty well together.

My problem: I have never had sex! Yes, I am a 43-year-old virgin. I am not hung up on sex; neither am I frigid nor unrealistic. I simply chose to wait for Mr. Right.

I recently started dating a slightly younger man, and for the first time in my life, I'm with a man I trust and for whom I have deep feelings. I'm sure we are going to become intimate soon.

Abby, should I tell him that I'm a virgin? I'm comfortable with my reason for having remained celibate, but I realize it may sound bizarre to someone else. I'm afraid this man will think I'm warped or obsessive and might think less of me.

Please answer soon. Each date is becoming more intense than the last, and our sexual history "talk" will probably be taking place shortly. -- MATURE VIRGIN

DEAR MATURE VIRGIN: Virginity is nothing to be ashamed of. Tell him. He may be flattered that you waited for him, and he should respect you for sticking to your principles. If he doesn't, then he's not a man you could be happy with in the long run.

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: On the subject of giving baby showers for unwed mothers:

A few years ago, the women's organization board of my church decided to give a baby shower for the young woman who baby-sat in the nursery during Sunday services. (I'll call her "Tracy.") She was unmarried, pregnant and teetering very close to going on welfare, with little support from her family or the father-to-be.

Putting aside the morality of out-of-wedlock pregnancies, we and all the young mothers of the children Tracy watched on Sunday reached out to another human being in need. I believe this is what good Christians are supposed to do in such a situation.

Tracy had a baby boy, and not a tongue clucked nor was an eyebrow raised when Tracy and her infant son played Mary and Baby Jesus in our live nativity scene in our Christmas pageant.

I believe it's possible to reach out to someone in need -- in this instance, an unwed mother -- without condoning the situation, don't you? -- MARTHA FOX, ALLENTOWN, PA.

DEAR MARTHA: Indeed I do. What a gracious gesture from a group of compassionate women who practice what is preached in the Scriptures -- "Judge not that ye be not judged." God bless you all.

DEAR ABBY: I'm a happily married mother with two great little boys and a job that takes more of me than I'd like. I manage to balance things well, except for one straw that's about to break my back: my mother.

Mother is emotionally dependent on everyone around her. She expects all her pleasures and recreation to come from others. She constantly complains because my father has coffee with friends several mornings a week. Frankly, I don't blame him. I can barely stand to be in her presence. She puts me down constantly, criticizing how late I serve my children dinner (I walk in the door at 5:30 and we eat no later than 6:30), how they "seem to get sick more often than most kids," and how her friends' children take their mothers shopping, to plays, to view Christmas lights, etc.

Abby, I've had it! I'm so tired and stressed when I get home at night that calling her, even for five minutes, is more than I can face. I resent her attempts to make me feel inadequate because I cannot be a mother of the '50s. I'm a mother of the '90s -- keeping a large home, working full time, serving as chauffeur to my sons, and trying to nurture a successful marriage.

Our relationship is about as dysfunctional and beyond hope as it can be, and I don't have the energy to repair 38 years of resentment.

I hate to write her off, Abby. How can I handle my mother? -- TIRED OF TRYING, INDEPENDENCE, MO.

DEAR TIRED: Before you bury the relationship with your mother, realize that since you cannot change her, you should try to change the way that you interact with her. Your mistake is taking her criticism to heart and getting defensive. Realize that finding fault is her way of getting attention and making conversation. Stop feeling guilty because you cannot call her every night.

The next time she criticizes, try smiling and agreeing with her. "You're right, Mom. I'm a terrible mother." "Yes, Mom. With the schedule I have to keep, I'm not the attentive daughter you had hoped for." If you agree with her, she can no longer prolong the discussion. The subject will be closed, and you can go on to something else.

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby's "Keepers," P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)