DEAR ABBY: My husband and I had our first child, a boy, last fall. We were both very happy because the baby is healthy and we had wanted a family since our marriage four years ago. We enjoyed shopping for baby clothes and furniture. My husband, "Chris," was gentle and supportive throughout my pregnancy, and was at my side during labor and delivery.

By choice, I took four months off work and only returned part time until the baby is older. Shortly after the baby was born, I noticed that Chris was moody and constantly on edge, but I let it pass. When it became medically possible to resume our sex life, he did not seem eager. (We have always had an active love life.)

Chris refuses to feed or diaper our child, but often complains that the baby "smells bad." He finds fault with my housekeeping and cooking. He sits in front of the television barely speaking, or "goes out with the boys" after work, which is very out of character.

He calls me "tubby" and says I should get in shape, which has almost brought me to tears. Abby, I gained only 13 pounds during the pregnancy, most of which I left at the hospital. I am 5 feet 6 inches and weigh 118 pounds, less than I weighed at our wedding.

When I confronted Chris, he said he is sorry, but he no longer finds me appealing or attractive because I am now a mother! I am hurt and shocked beyond words. I do not know what to do. I do not want my son to grow up with divorced parents, and despite all this, I still love Chris. Yet he has become a complete stranger. I cannot reach him.

What can I do to save my marriage? (Please, no state or town.) -- DIANA X

DEAR DIANA X: You are a mother, true. But you are not HIS mother, which is something that your husband may be unconsciously troubled about. He needs psychotherapy.

DEAR ABBY: I am a 43-year-old woman. I own my business, my home, and I'm fairly attractive. I have cherished friends and have my act pretty well together.

My problem: I have never had sex! Yes, I am a 43-year-old virgin. I am not hung up on sex; neither am I frigid nor unrealistic. I simply chose to wait for Mr. Right.

I recently started dating a slightly younger man, and for the first time in my life, I'm with a man I trust and for whom I have deep feelings. I'm sure we are going to become intimate soon.

Abby, should I tell him that I'm a virgin? I'm comfortable with my reason for having remained celibate, but I realize it may sound bizarre to someone else. I'm afraid this man will think I'm warped or obsessive and might think less of me.

Please answer soon. Each date is becoming more intense than the last, and our sexual history "talk" will probably be taking place shortly. -- MATURE VIRGIN

DEAR MATURE VIRGIN: Virginity is nothing to be ashamed of. Tell him. He may be flattered that you waited for him, and he should respect you for sticking to your principles. If he doesn't, then he's not a man you could be happy with in the long run.

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: On the subject of giving baby showers for unwed mothers:

A few years ago, the women's organization board of my church decided to give a baby shower for the young woman who baby-sat in the nursery during Sunday services. (I'll call her "Tracy.") She was unmarried, pregnant and teetering very close to going on welfare, with little support from her family or the father-to-be.

Putting aside the morality of out-of-wedlock pregnancies, we and all the young mothers of the children Tracy watched on Sunday reached out to another human being in need. I believe this is what good Christians are supposed to do in such a situation.

Tracy had a baby boy, and not a tongue clucked nor was an eyebrow raised when Tracy and her infant son played Mary and Baby Jesus in our live nativity scene in our Christmas pageant.

I believe it's possible to reach out to someone in need -- in this instance, an unwed mother -- without condoning the situation, don't you? -- MARTHA FOX, ALLENTOWN, PA.

DEAR MARTHA: Indeed I do. What a gracious gesture from a group of compassionate women who practice what is preached in the Scriptures -- "Judge not that ye be not judged." God bless you all.

DEAR ABBY: I'm a happily married mother with two great little boys and a job that takes more of me than I'd like. I manage to balance things well, except for one straw that's about to break my back: my mother.

Mother is emotionally dependent on everyone around her. She expects all her pleasures and recreation to come from others. She constantly complains because my father has coffee with friends several mornings a week. Frankly, I don't blame him. I can barely stand to be in her presence. She puts me down constantly, criticizing how late I serve my children dinner (I walk in the door at 5:30 and we eat no later than 6:30), how they "seem to get sick more often than most kids," and how her friends' children take their mothers shopping, to plays, to view Christmas lights, etc.

Abby, I've had it! I'm so tired and stressed when I get home at night that calling her, even for five minutes, is more than I can face. I resent her attempts to make me feel inadequate because I cannot be a mother of the '50s. I'm a mother of the '90s -- keeping a large home, working full time, serving as chauffeur to my sons, and trying to nurture a successful marriage.

Our relationship is about as dysfunctional and beyond hope as it can be, and I don't have the energy to repair 38 years of resentment.

I hate to write her off, Abby. How can I handle my mother? -- TIRED OF TRYING, INDEPENDENCE, MO.

DEAR TIRED: Before you bury the relationship with your mother, realize that since you cannot change her, you should try to change the way that you interact with her. Your mistake is taking her criticism to heart and getting defensive. Realize that finding fault is her way of getting attention and making conversation. Stop feeling guilty because you cannot call her every night.

The next time she criticizes, try smiling and agreeing with her. "You're right, Mom. I'm a terrible mother." "Yes, Mom. With the schedule I have to keep, I'm not the attentive daughter you had hoped for." If you agree with her, she can no longer prolong the discussion. The subject will be closed, and you can go on to something else.

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby's "Keepers," P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I am 20 years old, have been married for a year and a half, and have a 3-month-old son. We don't have much money and are struggling to get by.

Last week a friend of my mother's called and said, "Let's go to lunch. I want to see your new baby." I assumed it would be her treat. Imagine my embarrassment when I was asked for "my share" of the check. All I had with me was $5. My mother put in the rest.

Had I known I'd be expected to pay for my lunch, I would have suggested that she stop by my house to see the baby.

Was I wrong to assume that she'd be treating me to lunch? -- EMBARRASSED

DEAR EMBARRASSED: No. Since she invited you to lunch, she should have paid for it. However, some people make a practice of going "Dutch" and assume that everyone else understands.

Before accepting an invitation, leave nothing to chance. Ask, "Are we going Dutch?"

DEAR ABBY: I'm an avid reader and respect your opinion, which prompts me to write this letter. I am 31, and for three years I have been dating "Tom," who is 11 years older than I am. We have a fantastic relationship and can usually work out our differences. Recently we've been discussing marriage.

Tom has two daughters from a previous marriage. "Angie," the 21-year-old, does not live with him. "Michelle" is 18, a senior in high school, and will be leaving for college in the fall. Their mother is still living, and I am not attempting to take her place.

Tom and I attend all Michelle's functions together, and I praise her when she excels in something, but after three years, she has not warmed up to me. I don't mind her cool treatment, because she is always respectful and courteous.

If Tom and I marry, I would prefer that Michelle not address me by my first name.

What is the appropriate way for children to address their stepparent? (By the way, Angie is very fond of me and we get along great.) Tom and I have agreed to abide by whatever you suggest. -- TEXAS READER

DEAR READER: Since Tom's daughters are adults, and only slightly younger than you, they might be uncomfortable calling you "Mom." And to call you "Mrs. so-and-so" would be too formal.

The two remaining options: Your first name, or a mutually agreed-upon nickname.

DEAR ABBY: Can you please help me decide what to do? I am 60 years old and have adult children.

I want to write a journal of my life, but there are a few shocking things in my family's past. How much should I tell my children? Or should I leave the family skeletons in the closet? I've been worrying about this for a long time. -- MRS. "O"

DEAR MRS. "O": How much of your life you choose to reveal is a decision that only you can make; however, I urge you to think carefully before revealing information that could hurt family members.

Above all, whatever you disclose in your journal must be the truth.

For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)