DEAR ABBY: On the subject of giving baby showers for unwed mothers:

A few years ago, the women's organization board of my church decided to give a baby shower for the young woman who baby-sat in the nursery during Sunday services. (I'll call her "Tracy.") She was unmarried, pregnant and teetering very close to going on welfare, with little support from her family or the father-to-be.

Putting aside the morality of out-of-wedlock pregnancies, we and all the young mothers of the children Tracy watched on Sunday reached out to another human being in need. I believe this is what good Christians are supposed to do in such a situation.

Tracy had a baby boy, and not a tongue clucked nor was an eyebrow raised when Tracy and her infant son played Mary and Baby Jesus in our live nativity scene in our Christmas pageant.

I believe it's possible to reach out to someone in need -- in this instance, an unwed mother -- without condoning the situation, don't you? -- MARTHA FOX, ALLENTOWN, PA.

DEAR MARTHA: Indeed I do. What a gracious gesture from a group of compassionate women who practice what is preached in the Scriptures -- "Judge not that ye be not judged." God bless you all.

DEAR ABBY: I'm a happily married mother with two great little boys and a job that takes more of me than I'd like. I manage to balance things well, except for one straw that's about to break my back: my mother.

Mother is emotionally dependent on everyone around her. She expects all her pleasures and recreation to come from others. She constantly complains because my father has coffee with friends several mornings a week. Frankly, I don't blame him. I can barely stand to be in her presence. She puts me down constantly, criticizing how late I serve my children dinner (I walk in the door at 5:30 and we eat no later than 6:30), how they "seem to get sick more often than most kids," and how her friends' children take their mothers shopping, to plays, to view Christmas lights, etc.

Abby, I've had it! I'm so tired and stressed when I get home at night that calling her, even for five minutes, is more than I can face. I resent her attempts to make me feel inadequate because I cannot be a mother of the '50s. I'm a mother of the '90s -- keeping a large home, working full time, serving as chauffeur to my sons, and trying to nurture a successful marriage.

Our relationship is about as dysfunctional and beyond hope as it can be, and I don't have the energy to repair 38 years of resentment.

I hate to write her off, Abby. How can I handle my mother? -- TIRED OF TRYING, INDEPENDENCE, MO.

DEAR TIRED: Before you bury the relationship with your mother, realize that since you cannot change her, you should try to change the way that you interact with her. Your mistake is taking her criticism to heart and getting defensive. Realize that finding fault is her way of getting attention and making conversation. Stop feeling guilty because you cannot call her every night.

The next time she criticizes, try smiling and agreeing with her. "You're right, Mom. I'm a terrible mother." "Yes, Mom. With the schedule I have to keep, I'm not the attentive daughter you had hoped for." If you agree with her, she can no longer prolong the discussion. The subject will be closed, and you can go on to something else.

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby's "Keepers," P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I am 20 years old, have been married for a year and a half, and have a 3-month-old son. We don't have much money and are struggling to get by.

Last week a friend of my mother's called and said, "Let's go to lunch. I want to see your new baby." I assumed it would be her treat. Imagine my embarrassment when I was asked for "my share" of the check. All I had with me was $5. My mother put in the rest.

Had I known I'd be expected to pay for my lunch, I would have suggested that she stop by my house to see the baby.

Was I wrong to assume that she'd be treating me to lunch? -- EMBARRASSED

DEAR EMBARRASSED: No. Since she invited you to lunch, she should have paid for it. However, some people make a practice of going "Dutch" and assume that everyone else understands.

Before accepting an invitation, leave nothing to chance. Ask, "Are we going Dutch?"

DEAR ABBY: I'm an avid reader and respect your opinion, which prompts me to write this letter. I am 31, and for three years I have been dating "Tom," who is 11 years older than I am. We have a fantastic relationship and can usually work out our differences. Recently we've been discussing marriage.

Tom has two daughters from a previous marriage. "Angie," the 21-year-old, does not live with him. "Michelle" is 18, a senior in high school, and will be leaving for college in the fall. Their mother is still living, and I am not attempting to take her place.

Tom and I attend all Michelle's functions together, and I praise her when she excels in something, but after three years, she has not warmed up to me. I don't mind her cool treatment, because she is always respectful and courteous.

If Tom and I marry, I would prefer that Michelle not address me by my first name.

What is the appropriate way for children to address their stepparent? (By the way, Angie is very fond of me and we get along great.) Tom and I have agreed to abide by whatever you suggest. -- TEXAS READER

DEAR READER: Since Tom's daughters are adults, and only slightly younger than you, they might be uncomfortable calling you "Mom." And to call you "Mrs. so-and-so" would be too formal.

The two remaining options: Your first name, or a mutually agreed-upon nickname.

DEAR ABBY: Can you please help me decide what to do? I am 60 years old and have adult children.

I want to write a journal of my life, but there are a few shocking things in my family's past. How much should I tell my children? Or should I leave the family skeletons in the closet? I've been worrying about this for a long time. -- MRS. "O"

DEAR MRS. "O": How much of your life you choose to reveal is a decision that only you can make; however, I urge you to think carefully before revealing information that could hurt family members.

Above all, whatever you disclose in your journal must be the truth.

For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: My wife and I recently took my 80-year-old mother-in-law to see her ancestral village in Ireland. On our return trip through Wales, my mother-in-law fell and broke her hip, which necessitated a partial replacement and a three-week stay in the hospital. In attempting to pay the hospital bill, we were advised by Medicare that it does not cover injuries or illnesses sustained outside of the United States!

Needless to say, this revelation was devastating to us, since my mother-in-law lives on a small Social Security income.

I have talked to more than 20 people since we got the bad news -- and have found only three who were aware of this exemption.

Abby, it would be a public service if you publicize this fact as a warning to others who plan to travel outside the country. -- STEVE CRAWFORD, CHAMBLEE, GA.

DEAR MR. CRAWFORD: People on Medicare should discuss purchasing supplementary medical insurance, which will provide coverage while they are in another country.

Those who are not on Medicare should make certain their health insurance policy provides coverage while they are out of the country. Many plans do provide some type of coverage, such as emergency services, but each plan varies, and it is up to the individual to find out what his or her plan offers.

Most insurance brokers and agents have an insurance guide that lists the various plans and the coverages they offer. If you are unable to obtain one from a broker or agent, contact your state insurance department or state insurance commissioner's office for a guide.

DEAR ABBY: Last September, my son was talking on the phone when a blood clot stopped his beating heart forever. It was a terrible shock to all of us.

Many friends and neighbors brought in food for our family. However, some neglected to put their names on the containers, so now I have several nice bowls and pans, and I don't know to whom they belong. I am too embarrassed to start telephoning people in an effort to learn who brought what.

Abby, please advise your readers that when taking food to a bereaved family, they should write their names on the containers so they can be returned to the owners.

Thank you from a grieving mom. -- WISCONSIN RAPIDS, WIS.

DEAR MOM: My heart goes out to you and your family on the loss of your beloved son. Realizing our mortality, we all expect that one day we will bury our parents, but having to bury a child is surely one of life's most heartbreaking experiences.

Thank you for writing to remind people who bring food to bereaved families to be sure their names are on the containers so they can be returned. Or better yet, bring food in disposable containers.

BARBERSHOP TALK: The famous French comedian Fernandel went to a new barber. Excited at having such a prominent customer, the barber almost danced around him and could hardly do enough. Finally, when he had finished, he got a mirror, held it behind the famous head and whispered, "Is that all right?"

Frenandel looked at him sternly and replied, "Almost -- just a little longer in the back, please."

Abby shares more of her favorite, easy-to-prepare recipes. To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, More Favorite Recipes, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)