DEAR ABBY: About your suggestion to parents to get an IOU for the money they lend to their adult children: I will make a deal with you -- if you will promise not to try to practice law, I will promise not to write any "advice to the lovelorn" columns.

An IOU has no legal value whatsoever! Think about it. All it states is that one party owes another party money, and it does not involve any promise to pay it back by a certain date, etc.

There is nothing sadder than having a couple of old, retired people come into my office with a handwritten IOU on a piece of paper. The last couple had given their son $30,000 and wanted me to collect it for them.

Abby, first, parents should NOT lend their children money unless they can afford to lose it. Second, they should at least have a promissory note secured by a mortgage, etc. And you should stress that this can be wiped out by bankruptcy!

Please correct your column at once before more people fall prey to their children's greed.

Do we have a deal? -- MAX D. RYNEARSON, ATTORNEY AT LAW, INDIANAPOLIS

DEAR MAX: Shake! It's a deal.

DEAR ABBY: You often print letters about what not to say to someone you know who is hurting, when a friend or acquaintance is recently divorced, widowed, unemployed, etc. The things that are most often said are labeled "insensitive."

Abby, those lists of insensitive statements make people feel very self-conscious about saying anything at all for fear it will be resented.

Please print a list of things for people to say. You did this for "Grieving," and I really appreciated it.

There are times when not saying anything makes people very uncomfortable. We want to be able to say SOMETHING. -- PUZZLED IN ST. PAUL

DEAR PUZZLED: When people have suffered a loss, the caring thing to do is to acknowledge it. Keep it simple: "I'm sorry about your loss," "Please accept my sympathy" or, "I heard about your misfortune and I'm so sorry" are all acceptable.

There may be times when silence is uncomfortable, but it is preferable to saying something that may be inappropriate. The mistake that people most frequently make is to ask for details -- or to compare the loss to one of their own. When people are hurting, a hug, a warm handshake, or just being available to listen can speak volumes.

DEAR ABBY: The Lake Elsinore, Calif., parents who donated little Patricia Ann's organs helped three other families. Patricia, a 5-month-old baby, died Jan. 10, about 13 hours after she and her mother were struck by a car.

Patricia's heart went to a 2-month-old boy in Alberta, Canada. A 16-month-old boy in San Francisco received Patricia's liver. The mother of two sons in Pennsylvania received Patricia's kidneys.

What an admirable and humanitarian thing to do. It would be wonderful if more people gave much-needed organs to an organ procurement center. Knowing that some good came from their tragedy would help families cope with their loss.

Abby, please publish this message so that more people will consider organ donations. -- VIRGINIA IN ESCONDIDO, CALIF.

DEAR VIRGINIA: Patricia's parents are to be commended for their generosity in giving three people the gift of life in the midst of their own overwhelming grief.

I can think of no finer tribute to the memory of a loved one.

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I am living with a man I'll call Steve and his 17-year-old son, "Charles." We plan to marry in four months. I love Steve very much, but I can't handle Charles. I lived with my stepmother from the time I was 11 until I was an adult, and believe me, I know what it's like.

Charles' mother lives nearby. She's a heavy drinker, which is why she can't keep him, and he doesn't want to live with her. At first, everything went fairly well. I tried hard to get along with Charles, but he took advantage of me. I recently put my foot down, and now I'm the "wicked old witch."

Charles dropped out of school, stays out all night, has girlfriends spend the night, and his bedroom is so filthy the door must remain closed because of the smell. He works full time, and I feel that if he's not going to school, then he should pay rent and do his share around the house. That was the rule when I was growing up, and it worked.

Part of my problem is that I can't get his father to enforce any rules; when I try to talk to him, he either says, "Well, Charles is only 17" or, "I don't want to talk about it." It's putting a strain on our relationship.

Abby, I am childless, so maybe I am too strict. I was not raised the way Charles is being raised -- meaning no control at all!

I've loved Steve for six years and I don't want to lose him. Abby, am I being a "wicked witch"? -- TIME BOMB IN MESA, ARIZ.

DEAR TIME BOMB: Charles is screaming for help. His mother is an alcoholic, his father can't control him, and you are without parental experience. What you are attempting to do for Charles is correct -- but he may not appreciate it for years. Go to the library for books on stepparenting and blended families.

Also, make an appointment with a family counselor and insist that Steve and Charles go with you, and don't take "no" for an answer.

DEAR ABBY: My daughter's boyfriend gave her an engagement ring on St. Valentine's Day. They had been going together for three years, so it wasn't exactly a surprise to our family or his.

Well, her boyfriend's mother went ahead and put the announcement of their engagement in the local newspaper. Abby, my question to you is: Is it the business of the fiance's mother or the mother of the bride to put the announcement of the engagement in the local newspaper?

I am not going to sign my name because I don't want any hard feelings with my daughter's future mother-in-law. She is a very nice person, but she did this without saying anything to me about it. -- MOTHER OF THE BRIDE

DEAR MOTHER OF THE BRIDE: The etiquette authorities on whom I rely -- Letitia Baldrige, Emily Post and Miss Manners -- all agree that the mother of the bride should contact the local newspaper to publish the engagement announcement.

YOUR CHUCKLE FOR THE DAY: "The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again." -- ERMA BOMBECK

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: On occasion, I lunch with a rather casual business acquaintance. Recently, after finishing the meal, this lady took dental floss from her purse and flossed her teeth at the table. This was in the presence of other diners. I was shocked and embarrassed.

The woman holds an important position with a reputable company. Abby, I could not believe what I was seeing! The first time this happened, I put the incident behind me, assuming it would be a one-time thing. However, she repeated the same scene at our next luncheon. And as if that were not bad enough, she laid the used dental floss on the edge of her plate.

Abby, please advise your readers that flossing is something that should be done in the privacy of one's own home, and should it be necessary to floss elsewhere, please ask to be excused and floss in the restroom.

I cannot tell this individual in person because it could mean the loss of business for me, and I can't afford such a loss at this time.

No name, initials, city or state, please. Just make up a name if you print this, or sign it ... APPALLED

DEAR APPALLED: It is possible that this woman doesn't know that it is very unappetizing to see someone floss his or her teeth at the table, so you would be doing her an enormous favor if you told her -- privately, of course.

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have been married for 12 years. We have two fine children, and I can honestly say we have about as good a marriage as anyone could hope for. So why am I writing to Dear Abby?

We have moved three times since our marriage. We lived in a one-bedroom apartment for the first three years, then we moved to a small house. After our second child was born, we moved to a larger house in the country.

I hope you won't think I am being petty, but my husband has kept a box of letters from a girlfriend he dated before he met me, and every time we've moved, he's moved that box with us.

This is no big deal, but it irritates me. Should I say something to him about it? -- IRRITATED IN OJAI, CALIF.

DEAR IRRITATED: Yes; say something, but not in a mean or critical way. You will have gotten this irritating subject off your chest, and he may even toss the letters.

DEAR ABBY: I read your column every day, and a while ago I saw a letter from a man who thought he was too old to go back to school. My story is similar.

After graduating from high school in 1983, I went into the Air Force. I served two four-year terms and worked a year at a job that didn't seem to be going anywhere, but I thought at 29 I was too old to go back to school. Then I saw a letter in your column from someone who said, "I've always wanted a college education, but if I go to school for four more years, I'll be 30 years old when I graduate." You said, "And how old will you be in four years if you DON'T go back to school and graduate?" That did it for me!

Thank you from the bottom of my heart for giving me the much-needed push to go back to school. -- MARTY G. IN DENVER

DEAR MARTY G.: Thank you! Your letter made my day.

CONFIDENTIAL TO CURIOUS IN CHARLESTON: Men who miscalculate are called "mathematically challenged." Women who miscalculate are called "mothers."

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)