DEAR ABBY: I'm responding to the letter you printed from the apparently "disgruntled" mother about fathers who do nothing more than send in their required child support payments. While I agree that they are fulfilling their legal obligations and nothing more, I'm concerned that other fathers (including myself) are getting a bad rap.

I currently take my children to weekly counseling sessions, due in part to an ex-wife who constantly tells them what a "jerk" their father is.

Not only do I send the required child support payments on time, I send an amount OVER the required legal minimum. I also help their mother with religious school tuition, summer camp expenses and assorted other child-care expenses -- gifts, sports and extracurricular activities.

In addition to paying off the tremendous debts that my ex helped accumulate during our marriage (the debts and the clothes on my back were all I got in the divorce agreement), I attend my kids' school and extracurricular activities with enthusiasm (when I'm notified about them) and call the kids regularly. Regrettably, I have only the legally minimum visitation opportunities, which their mother tried to deny me.

I now must contend with the ongoing slander that my ex-wife feeds our children and spreads around town in her attempt to make everyone feel sorry for her. (No matter that her boyfriend moved in with her and my kids before the ink was dry on the divorce agreement!)

I hope your readers realize that many fathers like myself have tremendous love and concern for our children's welfare. We share the pain and emotional turmoil they experience as a result of a divorce.

Yes, like the song says, "She got the gold mine -- I got the shaft!" -- HAD IT IN DALLAS

DEAR HAD IT: Your point is well-taken. In a divorce, one rarely comes out unscathed. Everyone pays -- one way or another. However, the damage can be kept to a minimum if the parents refrain from using children as pawns to vent their frustration and anger at ex-spouses, and fulfill their financial responsibilities instead of trying to sabotage each other.

DEAR ABBY: I am a freshman in college. My roommate does not wear a bra. I envy her, since I consider bras a nuisance -- but I've never had the guts to go out in public without one.

Now that winter has come and I can wear sweaters and sweatshirts that are very concealing, I have stopped wearing a bra -- and love every minute of it. I have overcome the fear of going out in public without a bra, and my roommate has been helping me choose clothes that conceal bralessness. I hope to never wear one again.

However, I'm worried that not wearing a bra will cause my breasts to sag as I get older. My roommate claims there is no proof that bras prevent sagging, and that her 50-year-old mom hasn't worn a bra for 25 years and still has firm breasts.

What do you think, Abby? -- BRALESS AND LOVING IT

DEAR BRALESS: It all depends on how "bosomy" you are. If you are a 32-A, OK; but a 36-DD requires maximum support.

DEAR ABBY: I read your column about the bandleader who played songs in honor of wedding anniversaries. You asked for suggestions for anniversaries over 50 years. How about, "Never in a Million Years"? -- ROGER MCGUIRE, REPUBLIC, PA.

DEAR ROGER: Thank you. Since I have been married for 56 years to a loving husband I'll call Saint Morton, I beg to disagree with you.

Among the other suggestions I received for 50-plus anniversaries were, "We Did It Before and We Can Do It Again," "It Had Better Be Tonight," "Now and Then," "Thanks for the Memories" and "I've Got Plenty of Nothin'."

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I am the sole caregiver for my husband, who has a devastating illness for which there is no cure. He can't walk, talk, express himself or take care of his personal hygiene. He will not get any better.

This is my plea: If you are my friend or acquaintance and you see me at the grocery store or beauty shop, please do NOT ask me how my husband is.

I know you care and are concerned, but a kinder way to show it would be to allow me a few minutes of normalcy. Ask me where the macaroni is, brag about your kids or recommend a good movie I can rent. The sad truth is, my husband will not know you asked about him, and won't understand when I tell him.

I have lived this nightmare 24 hours a day, every day, for a long time. Sometimes I even dream about it. It never ends.

So, should you see me somewhere, please realize that I'm having a brief reprieve and need some time to NOT think -- or talk -- about my husband's illness.

Thank you, Abby, for printing this. -- ILLINOIS READER

DEAR ILLINOIS READER: Your letter is a first, and I am printing it in hopes that it will help you and others in this stressful situation. Caregivers who are living with this heartache need an occasional reprieve.

In past years, when families lived closer together, they could rely on each other in such situations. Today our society is more mobile, and family members may live too far apart to offer the support a caregiver needs. Organizations such as the National Family Caregivers Association fill the gap.

For a small membership fee, it sends a newsletter, puts you in touch with other caregivers, offers help in locating resources to assist in handling your responsibilities, and includes a report validating the commonalities of the caregiver experience.

For information, send a postcard to: National Family Caregivers Association, P.O. Box 5871, Capital Heights, Md. 20791-5871. A self-addressed envelope is not required. Please allow three to five weeks for the material to reach you.

DEAR ABBY: As a faithful reader of your column, I'd like to comment on a column you once printed on how to eat asparagus.

While growing up in Paris, my mother, who was a debutante, attended a dinner given by French President Raymond Poincare at the Elysee Palace for the King of Morocco. Asparagus vinaigrette was served. Everybody waited for the king to try it. He did, but found the tough end too tough. He looked around to see what other people did with it, but of course, everyone was waiting for him. So when he thought no one was watching, he tossed the tough end over his shoulder. The other guests, thinking that was a Moroccan custom, did the same.

Soon the floor around the table became so slippery, none of the servers could get near the table. The rest of the dinner was a disaster -- and to this day, the dinner for the King of Morocco at the Elysee Palace has taken its place in history! -- GILBERT GESTAS, NEW YORK

Abby shares more of her favorite, easy-to-prepare recipes. To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, More Favorite Recipes, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: My best friend, "Martha," works as a cleaning lady for a company that sends crews of women into homes to clean. One of the cleaning women forgot to put a remote control back on a table after dusting. The homeowner called the cleaning company, claiming the remote control was missing. The company made the crew return to the house (after work) where they found the remote lying in full view on the floor next to the table. It seems the homeowner wanted to teach the cleaning women a lesson!

Mrs. Homeowner, Martha didn't get paid for the extra hour and a half it took to get to your house and back. Her daughter was at home alone. Martha received a speeding ticket, which of course she must pay. In her frustration, she slammed the door of the company car, was reported and lost driving privileges, which paid a little extra.

Martha is in a desperate situation. She finally found the courage to leave her abusive husband and is working this crummy job to support herself and her daughter and barely makes ends meet. This pushes her further down.

The moral of this true story: Please, people, try to be more tolerant. Your actions can have profound effects on the lives of others. -- M.C. IN ROBINSON, ILL.

DEAR M.C.: Your friend's frustration is understandable -- in any business there are always a few "difficult" clients.

Perhaps it's time Martha sought a job with another cleaning company or employment in another field. Often, women thrust into the job market must start from scratch to develop skills that make them employable. (That's why I urge women to wait to marry until they have the kind of education that guarantees they can support themselves if they have to.)

Many branches of the YWCA offer a program called "Employee Preparation Services," which teaches women how to fill out job applications, set up resumes, practice job interviews, and provides traditional (clerical) as well as non-traditional job training (e.g. construction).

Although not all branches offer this program, by calling a YWCA in her area, your friend can be referred to a branch that does. Or, she can call the national toll-free information line: 1-800-YWCA-US1 (1-800-992-2871). The YWCA also offers child care, shelter and counseling.

DEAR ABBY: In a recent column, you pointed out that hitting a child teaches him that "might makes right."

It also teaches him that violence is the answer to all conflicts.

I recall the words of the late Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.: "Man was born into barbarism when killing his fellow man was a normal condition of existence. He became endowed with a conscience. And he has now reached the day when violence toward another human being must become as abhorrent as eating another's flesh." -- ARTHUR H. PRINCE, MEMPHIS, TENN.

DEAR ABBY: About divorces: There's an old Irish saying, "It's better to live with the devil you know, than the devil you don't know." Good philosophy, eh? -- OLD PHILOSOPHER

DEAR PHILOSOPHER: Why live with any devil? Better to live alone if your only alternative is living with a devil.

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)