DEAR ABBY: I am the sole caregiver for my husband, who has a devastating illness for which there is no cure. He can't walk, talk, express himself or take care of his personal hygiene. He will not get any better.

This is my plea: If you are my friend or acquaintance and you see me at the grocery store or beauty shop, please do NOT ask me how my husband is.

I know you care and are concerned, but a kinder way to show it would be to allow me a few minutes of normalcy. Ask me where the macaroni is, brag about your kids or recommend a good movie I can rent. The sad truth is, my husband will not know you asked about him, and won't understand when I tell him.

I have lived this nightmare 24 hours a day, every day, for a long time. Sometimes I even dream about it. It never ends.

So, should you see me somewhere, please realize that I'm having a brief reprieve and need some time to NOT think -- or talk -- about my husband's illness.

Thank you, Abby, for printing this. -- ILLINOIS READER

DEAR ILLINOIS READER: Your letter is a first, and I am printing it in hopes that it will help you and others in this stressful situation. Caregivers who are living with this heartache need an occasional reprieve.

In past years, when families lived closer together, they could rely on each other in such situations. Today our society is more mobile, and family members may live too far apart to offer the support a caregiver needs. Organizations such as the National Family Caregivers Association fill the gap.

For a small membership fee, it sends a newsletter, puts you in touch with other caregivers, offers help in locating resources to assist in handling your responsibilities, and includes a report validating the commonalities of the caregiver experience.

For information, send a postcard to: National Family Caregivers Association, P.O. Box 5871, Capital Heights, Md. 20791-5871. A self-addressed envelope is not required. Please allow three to five weeks for the material to reach you.

DEAR ABBY: As a faithful reader of your column, I'd like to comment on a column you once printed on how to eat asparagus.

While growing up in Paris, my mother, who was a debutante, attended a dinner given by French President Raymond Poincare at the Elysee Palace for the King of Morocco. Asparagus vinaigrette was served. Everybody waited for the king to try it. He did, but found the tough end too tough. He looked around to see what other people did with it, but of course, everyone was waiting for him. So when he thought no one was watching, he tossed the tough end over his shoulder. The other guests, thinking that was a Moroccan custom, did the same.

Soon the floor around the table became so slippery, none of the servers could get near the table. The rest of the dinner was a disaster -- and to this day, the dinner for the King of Morocco at the Elysee Palace has taken its place in history! -- GILBERT GESTAS, NEW YORK

Abby shares more of her favorite, easy-to-prepare recipes. To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, More Favorite Recipes, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: My best friend, "Martha," works as a cleaning lady for a company that sends crews of women into homes to clean. One of the cleaning women forgot to put a remote control back on a table after dusting. The homeowner called the cleaning company, claiming the remote control was missing. The company made the crew return to the house (after work) where they found the remote lying in full view on the floor next to the table. It seems the homeowner wanted to teach the cleaning women a lesson!

Mrs. Homeowner, Martha didn't get paid for the extra hour and a half it took to get to your house and back. Her daughter was at home alone. Martha received a speeding ticket, which of course she must pay. In her frustration, she slammed the door of the company car, was reported and lost driving privileges, which paid a little extra.

Martha is in a desperate situation. She finally found the courage to leave her abusive husband and is working this crummy job to support herself and her daughter and barely makes ends meet. This pushes her further down.

The moral of this true story: Please, people, try to be more tolerant. Your actions can have profound effects on the lives of others. -- M.C. IN ROBINSON, ILL.

DEAR M.C.: Your friend's frustration is understandable -- in any business there are always a few "difficult" clients.

Perhaps it's time Martha sought a job with another cleaning company or employment in another field. Often, women thrust into the job market must start from scratch to develop skills that make them employable. (That's why I urge women to wait to marry until they have the kind of education that guarantees they can support themselves if they have to.)

Many branches of the YWCA offer a program called "Employee Preparation Services," which teaches women how to fill out job applications, set up resumes, practice job interviews, and provides traditional (clerical) as well as non-traditional job training (e.g. construction).

Although not all branches offer this program, by calling a YWCA in her area, your friend can be referred to a branch that does. Or, she can call the national toll-free information line: 1-800-YWCA-US1 (1-800-992-2871). The YWCA also offers child care, shelter and counseling.

DEAR ABBY: In a recent column, you pointed out that hitting a child teaches him that "might makes right."

It also teaches him that violence is the answer to all conflicts.

I recall the words of the late Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.: "Man was born into barbarism when killing his fellow man was a normal condition of existence. He became endowed with a conscience. And he has now reached the day when violence toward another human being must become as abhorrent as eating another's flesh." -- ARTHUR H. PRINCE, MEMPHIS, TENN.

DEAR ABBY: About divorces: There's an old Irish saying, "It's better to live with the devil you know, than the devil you don't know." Good philosophy, eh? -- OLD PHILOSOPHER

DEAR PHILOSOPHER: Why live with any devil? Better to live alone if your only alternative is living with a devil.

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I am the confused grandmother of a darling 7-year-old granddaughter I'll call Mary. Her father never married my daughter, but there is no question about who Mary's father is because she is the very image of him.

He has never paid child support because he refused to acknowledge paternity, but he drops off a birthday gift and another gift around Christmastime. Mary frequently wants to call him and constantly asks her mother and me why she can't see her daddy more often. He gave her his telephone number once when he was in a good mood and told her she could call him, but he rarely returns her telephone calls.

Abby, what can her mother and I tell this sweet child about her father without hurting her feelings? I need some answers to pass along to her mother. -- ILLINOIS GRANNY

DEAR GRANNY: Stick to the truth and don't try to spare Mary's feelings by making up excuses for her father's obvious lack of interest in her. While it may be painful for her, she's far better off dealing with reality than a well-intentioned fabrication.

DEAR ABBY: I recently lost my only sister. I'll call her Anne. She left a husband, a son and a daughter I'll call Karen. Karen is 22.

Knowing she was dying, Anne asked me to do her a favor. Of course I agreed; how could I refuse? She wanted more than anything else to live to see Karen walk down the aisle. Karen's wedding date is March 6. We discussed the wedding at length, and I offered to buy a card for my sister to present to her daughter. I wrote in it exactly what Anne dictated and promised to give it to Karen on her wedding day if Anne wasn't able to do it herself.

Anne died two weeks ago.

I know my sister meant well and had only Karen's best interests in mind when she exacted this promise from me. But I don't want to make Karen sad on her wedding day. She and her mother had planned every detail together. On the other hand, the card and its message might mean the world to her. Abby, what would you do? -- TORN IN NEW ORLEANS

DEAR TORN: I would give the card to Karen a few days before the wedding. That way she will walk down the aisle with her mother's message without the trauma of reading it on a day already fraught with emotion.

DEAR ABBY: My husband's mother passed away two weeks ago at the age of 100 plus 9 months. His father is still living at the age of 101 plus 5 months.

We observed their 75th wedding anniversary last September. We know of other couples who have been married as long as they have, but we don't find another couple who both attained the age of 100 years old.

Can you -- or your readers -- tell us how rare this is?

My husband thinks you make up these letters, so if he sees this in print, it may make a believer out of him. -- POLLY SCHROCK, CONGERVILLE, ILL.

DEAR POLLY: Your in-laws' longevity is unusual, but not unheard of. People are living longer, thanks to the wonders of medical science and knowledge about the benefits of sound nutrition and regular exercise.

Abby shares more of her favorite, easy-to-prepare recipes. To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, More Favorite Recipes, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)