DEAR ABBY: My nephew -- I'll call him Neil -- is gay. He came out of the closet to his family a few weeks ago on his 20th birthday. You would never suspect that Neil was gay by looking at him or talking to him, but when his brothers were outside playing baseball, Neil would be in the house drawing pictures of flowers.

Neil's father says that Neil is gay because all the time his mother was pregnant with him she kept praying for a little girl. (She already had four boys and no girls.) Abby, can praying for a little girl have anything to do with having a gay boy? -- NEIL'S AUNT

DEAR AUNT: According to Dr. Judd Marmor, eminent psychoanalyst and past president of the American Psychiatric Association, there is no scientific evidence that supports the theory that a boy could become homosexual because his mother, while pregnant, prayed for a little girl.

It is more likely, however, that Neil was born with a predisposition toward becoming gay, and his mother's strong wish for a girl contributed to his preference for doing "little girl" activities rather than "little boy" activities during his childhood years.

Thus, Neil's ultimately becoming gay was a combination of nature and nurture.

DEAR ABBY: This is in response to the letter from the woman whose mother had a painful lump in her breast.

I, too, had a painful lump in my breast for 2 1/2 years. The lump did not show up on my yearly mammograms, and the doctor said, "Don't worry about it -- it's just a 'mass' -- if it were cancer, it wouldn't hurt." Well, it became painful to the point where I couldn't even lie on my left side. My doctor then did a needle biopsy, which was not accurate because the needle happened to hit a spot where there were no cancer cells present.

Finally, I was in so much pain, I insisted that the lump be removed. It WAS cancer! I was very fortunate, as it was a slow-growing cancer, and I was able to have a lumpectomy followed by six weeks of radiation treatments, which saved my life.

Don't listen to doctors. Cancer DOES hurt. -- DAR BARBAR, COSTA MESA, CALIF.

DEAR DAR: Thank you for sharing your experience. However, I wouldn't advise women not to listen to doctors; I would say, "Get a second opinion, and a third opinion -- and if you are still in doubt, get a fourth opinion."

Some "masses" (or lumps) are painful -- some are not. The most competent doctors follow this rule: "If it doesn't belong there -- it should come out."

CONFIDENTIAL TO 'JUST ME' IN HEMET, CALIF.: Don't put yourself down. You sound like a very worthwhile person to me. In the words of Ralph Waldo Emerson: "The only gift is a portion of thyself." You don't have to spend money to give something of value.

Most teen-agers do not know the facts about drugs, AIDS, and how to prevent unwanted pregnancy. It's all in Abby's new, updated, expanded booklet, "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I work in the Central Baggage Service office for a national airline. I am astonished at the amount of baggage and "lost" articles salvaged every year by the airlines. Every week we receive cameras, eyeglasses, binoculars, expensive pens and pencils, car keys, Bibles, wedding albums, books and every other imaginable article.

It really tears me up to throw away wedding, baby and family reunion pictures after holding them for four weeks -- which is our limit. If we can track down the owners, we return whatever they have left behind, but unfortunately, most of the articles have no identification on them.

In addition, we receive hundreds of pieces of "lost" luggage every year. About half of these we cannot return because the airline baggage tag has come off and there is no other way to track down the owner.

If passengers would put several pieces of identification on the bag -- as well as on the inside of the bag -- we could return it to the owner in a matter of a few hours.

Abby, the airline industry has improved greatly in retrieving lost baggage in the last few years. However, nothing would be lost if all the passengers would label their baggage inside and out -- and this includes carry-on luggage and hanging bags, which some travelers have walked off the plane and left behind! -- CHICAGO

DEAR CHICAGO: Thanks for an important letter. I hope this wakes up a few sleepy travelers.

DEAR ABBY: We have lived in this neighborhood for 35 years and we know almost all of our neighbors very well. As a retired man, I pass these homes two or three times a week on my walks. At Christmastime, I drop off our Christmas cards at the homes of our neighbors rather than go through the postal system.

My wife doesn't like that idea. One of our neighbors told another neighbor she thought we were cheap delivering our Christmas cards that way. What we save in postage we give to the Salvation Army. I see nothing wrong with our means of distribution. The wife says, "Write to Abby and ask her."

So, I'm asking. -- CHEAP, OR NOT?

DEAR CHEAP: Do you ring the doorbells and hand the Christmas cards to the recipients? Or do you leave the cards in their mailboxes? If you use the mailboxes, unless you affix appropriate postage to each card, you are in violation of the law.

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have several adopted children. One has many birth defects due to parental drug use. His appearance is startling, but he is the sweetest and most loving of children.

The kindest remarks are always those which praise and encourage. Parents are all too aware of their children's problems. They don't need anyone's pity, and you can be sure they've reviewed every treatment option with their physician.

Offer your congratulations on the birth, or comment positively about the child's lovely eyes or bright smile or even adorable clothes. If there are other children, don't ignore them, or the "disabled" child. And please keep your advice to yourself unless asked, especially if you are not close to the parents.

Thanks, Abby, for doing so much to educate the public on handicaps and on adoption. -- PEG G. IN MILFORD, N.J.

Everything you'll need to know about planning a wedding can be found in Abby's booklet, "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." To order, send a long, business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: The following story is fictitious: A man in his late 20s goes to bed with a 14-year-old girl. He gets caught, is arrested, and goes to prison for a few years where he is subject to all kinds of dangers in prison because of his crime.

The following story is real: A married woman in her late 20s goes to bed with a 14-year-old boy. They are having an affair. The boy and this woman do their frolicking when her husband is at work during his graveyard shift. This boy is some kind of "hero" to his friends, and even to some adults! Why?

This is a double standard in its ugliest fashion. If an underage girl has sex with an adult male, then it is a case of, "Poor girl, he must have taken advantage of her."

When an underage boy has sex with an adult woman, it turns into, "What a stud, atta boy -- learn early!"

Furthermore, I have never heard of a case where a woman went to prison for having sex with underage boys. Isn't it a crime? I am not saying that one is right and the other is not. They're both wrong. Why, however, do women get away with this awful crime? -- FRESNO FRANK

DEAR FRESNO FRANK: Women "get away" with it if the parents of the underage boy are unwilling to charge the woman with having sex with a minor. But regardless of who takes advantage of a minor of either sex -- that person is guilty of statutory rape.

DEAR ABBY: The problem I'm about to tell you is one you probably never heard before.

My husband and I have been married for 14 years and have two great sons. My husband and I have had problems we've tried to resolve with counseling, but the counseling didn't work, so I decided I wanted to leave him while I was young enough to make a happier life for myself.

I called my father-in-law and asked to see him privately so he wouldn't be too shocked when I left his son. Well, he picked me up and we went for a drive out in the country.

When I gave him my news -- he gave me some. He said he and his wife never had a really good marriage, but he stayed with her because of their children, who are all grown now. Then he told me he's always had special feelings for me -- but he would never follow through on them because I belonged to his son.

To make a long story short, we confessed our love for each other and want to spend the rest of our lives together, but we don't know how my sons will feel about having their grandfather for a stepfather. It's a mess, but you only live once. What should we do? -- TRUE STORY

DEAR TRUE STORY: You both need to see a marriage counselor -- but not the one you and your husband saw. Please, think this out carefully and make no announcements before you are certain that your decisions are sound, solid and will stand the test of time.

DEAR ABBY: After reading your wonderful booklet, "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It," what advice do you have for people who are on the receiving end? How does one respond to people who have "lost it" and are venting their anger on you? -- BEEN THERE

DEAR BEEN THERE: If they become physical, get out of their way and put as much distance as you can between them and you. But if they're venting their anger verbally, you'd be wise to simply listen. Anger expressed is anger defused.

This one's for everybody, from teens to seniors! To purchase Abby's new booklet, "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It," send a long, business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054. (Postage is included.)