DEAR ABBY: This refers to your answer to "Out of Ideas," whose wife refused to go to the doctor for checkups.

Your answer was very glib. I, too, refuse to go to the doctor -- my reason is fear, pure and simple. I am so frightened of hearing something bad, I just don't go at all. The word "tests" is enough to send my blood pressure soaring. In fact, I can't get an accurate blood pressure reading due to fear of doctors.

I'm not as bad as "Out of Ideas'" wife; I've gone to the doctor on occasion when I've had uncomfortable symptoms that drove me there. But the experience was sheer torture. The doctors kept saying, "Calm down, calm down" -- but I simply couldn't. I'm in my 50s and I've never had a mammogram, and I never go for regular checkups.

I would be delighted to learn how to overcome this deep-seated terror, but so far, no luck. I think you should consider this in relation to "Out of Ideas'" wife. She may need help, and it has nothing to do with her intelligence. -- SCARED TO DEATH

DEAR SCARED -- and I hope the "to death" is just a figure of speech. I told "Out of Ideas": "Short of hog-tying her, there is nothing you can do. Every intelligent person realizes that routine physical checkups (physical and dental) are essential to maintaining good health; and early detection, should there be a problem, has saved many lives."

The help that both of you need is psychotherapy to overcome your fear of doctors. Literally tens of thousands of women could have added years to their lives had they caught a malignancy sooner.

DEAR ABBY: Our retirement center runs a trip to the shopping center once a week. Recently I noticed one of the residents put a tube of lipstick in her purse instead of in her shopping cart. I was behind her in the checkout line and saw that she didn't declare the lipstick. Since then, I've been watching her. The week before last, she slipped a bottle of fingernail polish into her bag. Last week, it was toothpaste.

If I speak to her about her pilfering, I know she will deny it and say all sorts of unpleasant things. Still, I am uncomfortable now that I know she is shoplifting.

Shall I tell the store manager? Or maybe tell the other village residents? Or just mind my own business? -- IN A QUANDARY

DEAR IN: It would be a kindness to tell the woman privately that you saw her shoplift the lipstick, nail polish and toothpaste. Tell her you fear that if she does it again, she will be caught and asked never to enter that store again -- or worse yet, arrested. This would be not only embarrassing, but a blow to her family -- and it would reflect badly on the retirement center.

DEAR ABBY: More about "dinner" and "supper": So you'll know where I'm coming from, I live in Winona, Minn., a small city in the heart of the Mississippi's famed Hiawatha Valley.

Here when we eat our evening meal at home, it is virtually always "supper" and is our principal meal of the day.

However, when we go "out" to eat, we never call it "supper." Nobody here ever goes "out" for "supper," but everybody goes "out" for "dinner" now and then. -- ROD HURD

Everybody has a problem. What's yours? Get it off your chest by writing to: Dear Abby, P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, Calif. 90069. For a personal reply, please enclose a stamped, self-addressed envelope.

DEAR ABBY: It is again time for the Operation Dear Abby/America Remembers Campaign and the great work it does for our servicemen and women stationed overseas -- and, for the first time, here at home.

From my years of experience as a Navy fighter pilot, I know the importance of the Operation Dear Abby/America Remembers Campaigns. A supportive card or letter to a young man or woman serving our nation can make all the difference in the world.

Operation Dear Abby/America Remembers played a major role during Operation Desert Storm, and we need to keep the momentum going with the America Remembers "Adopt a Unit" program.

For years, schools, groups and communities have been able to "adopt" U.S. military units stationed overseas. Now, for the first time ever, thanks to the Armed Services YMCA, local units in the United States can be "adopted." (Not all the troops stationed here in the United States get to go home for the holidays!)

School groups and communities can "adopt" a ship or unit for the holidays by sending a stamped, self-addressed business-sized envelope (No. 10 envelope) to: Operation Dear Abby/America Remembers, c/o Taco Bell Corp., 17901 Von Karmen, Irvine, Calif. 92714.

Each group will receive a newsletter and other materials on the unit it "adopts." Once again, dozens of volunteers from Taco Bell will process the incoming material.

As the first honorary national chairman of the America Remembers Campaign, I want to say "well done" to America Remembers, Taco Bell, and to you and your readers. -- RANDY "DUKE" CUNNINGHAM, HONORARY NATIONAL CHAIRMAN, 1991 AMERICA REMEMBERS CAMPAIGN

DEAR ABBY: I am getting married soon, and I have my bridal party already picked out, but I have a slight problem. I would like to change my maid of honor because we are no longer as close friends as we used to be.

I am wondering how I should go about telling her I have changed my mind without hurting her feelings. -- CHANGED MY MIND

DEAR CHANGED: How long ago did you ask her to be your maid of honor? If it was a childhood promise made several years ago and you have since drifted apart, she may be relieved to be replaced. Discuss it with her.

However, if you asked her recently, there is no way to tell her you no longer want her to be your maid of honor without hurting her feelings.

DEAR ABBY: I am a 79-year-old woman living at the California State Veterans Home in the beautiful Napa Valley.

One of the first questions I'm asked when I tell people that I live at the Veterans Home is: "Oh, was your husband a veteran?"

Abby, I proudly served as a master sergeant in the U.S. Army during World War II and in the Korean conflict. When will people learn that women are veterans, too?

Abby, perhaps if you publish this, it will serve to remind millions of people that there are women veterans, too. -- MARTHA L. WALKER, YOUNTVILLE, CALIF.

DEAR MARTHA: Consider it done.

Everything you'll need to know about planning a wedding can be found in Abby's booklet, "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." To order, send a long, business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: Please don't steer any more business to those bleepity-bleepin' lawyers. The lady whose dog got multiple bee stings should have had her dog fenced in -- or on a leash. He was obviously in bee territory -- not vice versa. -- TREVA ANDREA, POQUOSON, VA.

DEAR TREVA: Since that letter appeared in my column, I learned more about bees than I bargained for. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: Did that woman get the license number of that bee? Or did she read its identification tag on its collar?

Bees are either directly or indirectly responsible for the pollination of two-thirds of all the food we eat. Alfalfa and many grains that feed our livestock are immensely dependent on bee pollination. The bee-keeping industry is already suffering from below-profit honey prices and the overuse of pesticides. In the next few years, the Africanized (killer) bees will reach our temperate climate, causing even greater mass hysteria among our citizens. -- OLIVER D. FRANK, SAN MATEO, CALIF.

DEAR ABBY: I can sympathize with the reader whose puppy was stung. It happened to our puppy a second time, and I thought she would die! She's 9 years old now and has learned not to snap at anything that buzzes.

Did that woman see the insect that stung her dog? Was it a wasp, bumblebee, hornet or yellow jacket? And if she could identify the insect as a honeybee, can she prove it came from the hive next door? -- JEAN MEAD, WINFIELD, W.VA.

DEAR ABBY: You were right about one thing -- the honeybee stings only once and dies. Proving that the bee came from the neighbor's beehive is another thing. There are more wild bees in tree hollows and people's backyards than there are in all the commercial or controlled hives put together. -- CARL E. LOWMAN, COLUMBIA, S.C.

DEAR ABBY: In case you have forgotten, back in April 1988 you ran the following in your column:

DEAR ABBY: If you're not too tired of the bee issue, here's a little poem for you:

"The sex of a bee is hard to see

"But he can tell, and so can she.

"The queen is quite a busy soul

"She has no time for birth control.

"And that is why, in times like these,

"There are so many sons of bees." -- (Submitted, but not originated, by) JIM HARVEL, ARIZONA BEEKEEPER

P.S. Abby, this poem has been around for a long time, but I doubt if it has a title.

DEAR JIM: Let's call it "To Bee or Not to Bee."

DEAR READERS: Words to live by (I quote New York Times columnist A.M. Rosenthal, Oct. 8, 1991): "Silence is a lie. Silence has a loud voice. It shouts, 'Nothing important is happening -- don't worry.' So, when something important IS going on, silence is a lie."

(Everything you'll need to know about planning a wedding can be found in Abby's booklet, "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." To order, send a long, business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054. (Postage is included.)